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August 25, 2012 at 12:00 AM
I hope you don't feel my first review was a flame. I honestly didn't intend it to come across that way. I am trying to give a different perspective that you can hopefully use to improve your writing. Criticism can help us evaluate ourselves, though I can get defensive about it myself.
Anyway, here is another bit of question this new chapter has brought to mind. Aside from the fact that Harry is an underage wizard, who though gifted in defense, hasn't had the best teachers in his years thus far, I am interested in how you plan on Harry's pregnancies playing out. Do you see him having the same level of difficulty as Starlight does in her story? If so, how will he still be able to teach when he is heavily pregnant?
You might also consider giving your audience more of a look at the thought processes and motivations behind your characters. If we know what an individual is thinking/feeling it can go a long way in making us sympathize with the person and then we can be more accepting of the actions they take.
Honestly, I am probably going to bow out at this time. I do wish you the best of luck with this story and your writing in general. I personally am just finding the pacing too frentic and am having trouble suspending disbelief with everything you've set up so quickly.
Anyway, here is another bit of question this new chapter has brought to mind. Aside from the fact that Harry is an underage wizard, who though gifted in defense, hasn't had the best teachers in his years thus far, I am interested in how you plan on Harry's pregnancies playing out. Do you see him having the same level of difficulty as Starlight does in her story? If so, how will he still be able to teach when he is heavily pregnant?
You might also consider giving your audience more of a look at the thought processes and motivations behind your characters. If we know what an individual is thinking/feeling it can go a long way in making us sympathize with the person and then we can be more accepting of the actions they take.
Honestly, I am probably going to bow out at this time. I do wish you the best of luck with this story and your writing in general. I personally am just finding the pacing too frentic and am having trouble suspending disbelief with everything you've set up so quickly.
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August 25, 2012 at 12:00 AM
I'm going to point out something to all of you crying foul on this poor girl. If you look at her story on FFN (THIS story posted there), StarlightMassacre has reviewed it twice.
Chapter 1, 2-27; mentions PMs between them
Chapter 2, 3-6; nice bit of concrit
Now, if SHE thought this girl was plagiarising, I'm quite sure she would have said something. As the story is now posted here, I'm also certain she would've reported it herself.
We've emailed StarlightMassacre to confirm the existence of permissions. We're waiting for a reply. As the review board on fanfiction.net STRONGLY indicates permissions do in fact exist, there is no need for staff to take punitive action against this user. There is also no need for people to drag this author through the coals without checking facts first.
Chapter 1, 2-27; mentions PMs between them
Chapter 2, 3-6; nice bit of concrit
Now, if SHE thought this girl was plagiarising, I'm quite sure she would have said something. As the story is now posted here, I'm also certain she would've reported it herself.
We've emailed StarlightMassacre to confirm the existence of permissions. We're waiting for a reply. As the review board on fanfiction.net STRONGLY indicates permissions do in fact exist, there is no need for staff to take punitive action against this user. There is also no need for people to drag this author through the coals without checking facts first.
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August 25, 2012 at 12:00 AM
more please!
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August 24, 2012 at 12:00 AM
Nice start, but I suck at guessing games so I'm not even going to try to take a stab at it. Update soon
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August 24, 2012 at 12:00 AM
i really like this story. Are you going to continue it on fanfiction as well. I like the idea of Harry having more than one mate. I wish people would write more stories like that especially with Draco and Severus and Tom as harry's mates.
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August 24, 2012 at 12:00 AM
An interesting beginning though it seems sort of rushed. i look forward to see where this is going though
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August 24, 2012 at 12:00 AM
Okay this is just a copy of Rise of The Drakens by StarLight Massacre. If you wanted to use drakens then you should've at least talked to Star and told her not copy off of her.
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August 24, 2012 at 12:00 AM
This is a nice fic. I like what you've changed compared to StarLight's fic. Update soon, please!
Hugs & Kittens,
~Wizard
Hugs & Kittens,
~Wizard
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August 24, 2012 at 12:00 AM
First of all, I adore dragon-esque creature stories. So it is always fun to see a new one pop up.
I do agree though with the above reviewer who mentioned your pacing. The first two chapters are extremely rushed. I understand you were inspired by Rise of the Drackens, but it is almost as if you are assuming everyone has read it and will fill in the blanks and jumps in Harry's logic with their knowledge from it, instead of fleshing out your story with details.
For instance within a day, Harry has found out what he is, read a short book with just the bare facts, talked only sparingly with his mentor and yet he already has come to terms with his new "condition" well enough to have thought through kicking out suitors with human spouses. I know that there was a line about dominates being able to mate with out consequence to humans, but that doesn't necessarily equate a jump to understanding the people coming to court you might have lovers or families they are leaving to do so. It took others explaining the nature of the call to Harry in Starlight's story, for him to understand that.
It is also interesting that all of the suitors found themselves available and able to arrive with in a few hours of Harry's discovery of his creature side. And why would Elder Kyrimm ask if Harry'd been abused just from catching him napping. Most people don't assume others are abused until they've seen evidence of it.
I think your spin on Drakens could have a lot of potential. As I said I love these types of stories and Starlight's is one of my favorites atm. However, it might do to step back, take a breath and look at what you are writing from an outside point of view. Everything doesn't have to happen in one week. You could have started us out with people wondering where Harry was and a possible out cry of searching for him. You could have taken us a bit on the journey of Harry working to get back to the school and a little of his though process behind what cause him to reach the point of confront Dumbledore in front of everyone on his arrival. You could show us why Draco and the other Slytherins are so immediately accepting of Harry being resorted into their house and bringing his Muggle-born friend to sit with them with no nasty comment. And why Hermione has Draken blood if she come from an unmagical lineage.
Just a few thoughts. I hope to see you continue this and am interested to see where it will go.
I do agree though with the above reviewer who mentioned your pacing. The first two chapters are extremely rushed. I understand you were inspired by Rise of the Drackens, but it is almost as if you are assuming everyone has read it and will fill in the blanks and jumps in Harry's logic with their knowledge from it, instead of fleshing out your story with details.
For instance within a day, Harry has found out what he is, read a short book with just the bare facts, talked only sparingly with his mentor and yet he already has come to terms with his new "condition" well enough to have thought through kicking out suitors with human spouses. I know that there was a line about dominates being able to mate with out consequence to humans, but that doesn't necessarily equate a jump to understanding the people coming to court you might have lovers or families they are leaving to do so. It took others explaining the nature of the call to Harry in Starlight's story, for him to understand that.
It is also interesting that all of the suitors found themselves available and able to arrive with in a few hours of Harry's discovery of his creature side. And why would Elder Kyrimm ask if Harry'd been abused just from catching him napping. Most people don't assume others are abused until they've seen evidence of it.
I think your spin on Drakens could have a lot of potential. As I said I love these types of stories and Starlight's is one of my favorites atm. However, it might do to step back, take a breath and look at what you are writing from an outside point of view. Everything doesn't have to happen in one week. You could have started us out with people wondering where Harry was and a possible out cry of searching for him. You could have taken us a bit on the journey of Harry working to get back to the school and a little of his though process behind what cause him to reach the point of confront Dumbledore in front of everyone on his arrival. You could show us why Draco and the other Slytherins are so immediately accepting of Harry being resorted into their house and bringing his Muggle-born friend to sit with them with no nasty comment. And why Hermione has Draken blood if she come from an unmagical lineage.
Just a few thoughts. I hope to see you continue this and am interested to see where it will go.
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August 24, 2012 at 12:00 AM
Ohy I love this! more please when you can.....