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May 26, 2011 at 12:00 AM
I don't know what to think about this. This was the second story written by you that I've read. I didn't even finish the first chapter, then I found your drabbles and liked them so much that I thought I'll give this one more shot. Maybe there was something I've missed. I'm sorry to say, there isn't.
While your writing is good and the plot is a bit derivative, but good nonetheless, I don't like the characters. It is Bella bashing, but without name-calling. We know, that Harry will steal Jacob from Bella, but it seems that you do everything you can to excuse his actions. I have a feeling that that is the reason why you portray Bella as a mean person, who doesn't know what she is doing. And at the same time, Harry is this loveable adult, who is perfect. So no wonder Jacob is going to leave Bella. Don't get me wrong, I don't really like Bella's character in general, but in this fic you make me like Harry even less than I like her.
You go into details about Harry's weight problems, but when he comes home he is suddenly skinny. You make it seem that weight was the only issue in his life, so that as soon as you lose the weight, you get rid of all your problems. It doesn't work that wat. As a person, who struggled with weight for most of my life and having known a lot of people with similar issues, I know that there are usually some deep psychological issues involved. If you are fat and lonely and don't have any friends, it won't change dramatically as soon as you lose your weight. And why can't Harry be a bit overweight anyway. If he is not "hot" enough, Jacob won't look at him?
I find Harry annoying, an irritating know-it-all. If someone has a problem with me and my choices, I want them to talk to me and not talk behind my back.
And Bella is suposed to be his half-sister, but he is not concerned for her safety at all. How does Harry even know that she knew Edward is a vampire? If Harry thinks that she's so ignorant, why doesn't he chek up on her or confront her. Instead, he is doing everything he can to have Charlie and Billy against her.
One other thing is that you have Bella judge Harry by apperances only. But when he is doing the same in regards to her, it's okay. If he thinks that she doesn't know what she is doing, it's better to go around saying that she is stupid instead of just talking to her and finding out what is going on and let her explain herself.
And there is Harry's obsession with cooking. I like to cook, know many people who like to cook but the amounts of food you have him preparing are ridiculous. No wonder he had weight problems if the only way he knows how to show his feelings is by cooking and stuffing people with food. The fact that it is healthy food, doen't matter.
And then there is Harry's relationship with Charlie. If I were Bella, I would be jelaous too. Imagine, my dad can only say a few words to me, just few sentences a day, but when my step-brother shows up, they start behaving like some mix between fraternity jocks and girly-girls. They start to talk about their feelings, keep hugging each other and they don't try to include me. Not really, just cook me a meal and that's it.
And what's with Harry calling Charlie 'Daddy'. Charlie strikes me as a person, who believes that you don't tell someone how you feel about them you show them. He is not a 'daddy' kind of guy.
And there's also Harry not knowing that Jacob is a shifter, it makes no sense. Charlie is best friends with Billy, so I would expect, that he's visited him at the reservation. If Harry is so close to his father, they probably went there together at least once. Billy even mentions that he expected Harry to visit. If Harry didn't know about Quilette shifters, he must have suspected that there is something more to them.
And there is the issue with Harry's school. You mention that he grew up few towns over, what with the swimming pool incident, but also he's been to magical school, but he finished it and there was some kind of university after that, I got lost.
And when Charlie was still married, did Harry live with them or not, what with Lilly being a free spirit and all.
I already said too much. So, while I love your drabbles, this story is not for me as it just doesn't make any sense.
While your writing is good and the plot is a bit derivative, but good nonetheless, I don't like the characters. It is Bella bashing, but without name-calling. We know, that Harry will steal Jacob from Bella, but it seems that you do everything you can to excuse his actions. I have a feeling that that is the reason why you portray Bella as a mean person, who doesn't know what she is doing. And at the same time, Harry is this loveable adult, who is perfect. So no wonder Jacob is going to leave Bella. Don't get me wrong, I don't really like Bella's character in general, but in this fic you make me like Harry even less than I like her.
You go into details about Harry's weight problems, but when he comes home he is suddenly skinny. You make it seem that weight was the only issue in his life, so that as soon as you lose the weight, you get rid of all your problems. It doesn't work that wat. As a person, who struggled with weight for most of my life and having known a lot of people with similar issues, I know that there are usually some deep psychological issues involved. If you are fat and lonely and don't have any friends, it won't change dramatically as soon as you lose your weight. And why can't Harry be a bit overweight anyway. If he is not "hot" enough, Jacob won't look at him?
I find Harry annoying, an irritating know-it-all. If someone has a problem with me and my choices, I want them to talk to me and not talk behind my back.
And Bella is suposed to be his half-sister, but he is not concerned for her safety at all. How does Harry even know that she knew Edward is a vampire? If Harry thinks that she's so ignorant, why doesn't he chek up on her or confront her. Instead, he is doing everything he can to have Charlie and Billy against her.
One other thing is that you have Bella judge Harry by apperances only. But when he is doing the same in regards to her, it's okay. If he thinks that she doesn't know what she is doing, it's better to go around saying that she is stupid instead of just talking to her and finding out what is going on and let her explain herself.
And there is Harry's obsession with cooking. I like to cook, know many people who like to cook but the amounts of food you have him preparing are ridiculous. No wonder he had weight problems if the only way he knows how to show his feelings is by cooking and stuffing people with food. The fact that it is healthy food, doen't matter.
And then there is Harry's relationship with Charlie. If I were Bella, I would be jelaous too. Imagine, my dad can only say a few words to me, just few sentences a day, but when my step-brother shows up, they start behaving like some mix between fraternity jocks and girly-girls. They start to talk about their feelings, keep hugging each other and they don't try to include me. Not really, just cook me a meal and that's it.
And what's with Harry calling Charlie 'Daddy'. Charlie strikes me as a person, who believes that you don't tell someone how you feel about them you show them. He is not a 'daddy' kind of guy.
And there's also Harry not knowing that Jacob is a shifter, it makes no sense. Charlie is best friends with Billy, so I would expect, that he's visited him at the reservation. If Harry is so close to his father, they probably went there together at least once. Billy even mentions that he expected Harry to visit. If Harry didn't know about Quilette shifters, he must have suspected that there is something more to them.
And there is the issue with Harry's school. You mention that he grew up few towns over, what with the swimming pool incident, but also he's been to magical school, but he finished it and there was some kind of university after that, I got lost.
And when Charlie was still married, did Harry live with them or not, what with Lilly being a free spirit and all.
I already said too much. So, while I love your drabbles, this story is not for me as it just doesn't make any sense.
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May 25, 2011 at 12:00 AM
love harry. i can't wait to read what happens.
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May 24, 2011 at 12:00 AM
Okay, I'm a major Harry/Jacob fan, so I'm staying with this story, so long as you keep up the good work. There's only a few spots where you leave out a word that would make sense, but I'm ignoring that for the moment. If I find a glaring error, I'll point it out to you so you can fix it. Cheers.
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May 24, 2011 at 12:00 AM
god i love this story i do hope that jacob inprints on harry and i do hope they eat all the food want more
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May 24, 2011 at 12:00 AM
This looks interesting, I look forward to seeing where you take it.
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May 24, 2011 at 12:00 AM
I like it ^^ can't wait for more
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May 24, 2011 at 12:00 AM
Wow. So far this is amazing! On to the next chapter..
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May 24, 2011 at 12:00 AM
Haha. I'm liking this story so far and I will be patiently awaiting for the next update! :D
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May 23, 2011 at 12:00 AM
I really enjoy this story it is an interesting concept and I cannot wait until the next chapter.
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May 22, 2011 at 12:00 AM
love it love how harry is the shit. looking forward to jacob imprinting on harry