rate_review Reviews

Fantastic first chapter. Please continue writing,can't wait for more chapters!

excellent. would love to read it again in more standard prose format.

I'm not fond of your story. It rambles, has outrageous details and has a complete lack of flow. I could barely finish the first chapter, and have no desire to continue reading. You can't just shove everything you wish could happen into a story and have it make sense. Make sure you are using the correct word as well. Since refers to time cents is money and sense refers to feelings or judgments.

I already pointed out some of the bad but I do want to mention that the general idea of your story I want to see more of. If I hadn't liked the summary I never would have clicked on your story and I never would have tried to finish the first chapter. I think it would help if you took out a lot of the outrageous details. And stick with the main plot line. Come up with a general story line and only add the things that are absolutely necessary to that and don't contradict yourself when you do add something, such as only muggleborns having the mind reading abilities then all of the sudden Draco the pureblood has the ability. Next, it is better to give general descriptions of people and let your readers come up with what the characters look like. Don't make comparisons to specific people. And don't apologize for having a great ideas. I would rather see you rework the story with a much shorter and more coherent first chapter.

Hey, its Brenna. Don't you dare lose faith in yourself or your writing. Your idea is amazing, and with a beta, I think your story will be amazing too. You're wonderful, never forget. :) Still email to Brenna.Hiemstra@gmail.com if you wanna talk.

I think if you got a beta and fixed your sentence structure you would have a good story. Keep writing, practice will only make you better.

I think you have an interesting premise. Some a bit OCC but I can live with it. If I may offer some constructive criticism you do need a beta or, if you would rather not work with one (the writing is okay just needs some tightening up so I can live without that too), then you need to re-read your work. It was very confusing to go back and forth from Hermione's (surprise) brother and the italics and who was speaking to whom? A bit more of a backstory would be helpful. And also spacing is key. Please cut up those long graphs into more manageable sizes that are more easy to digest. Also, take out the dialogue. Right now, its doing your story a disservice because it reads as huge run-ons and one can't pull rhyme nor reason of what are thoughts, what is actual conversation, what is action, what is storytelling.

I think a bit more time spent on the above and you've got the makings of a nice story there. Good luck! :-)

I tried, I really did. As you state at the beginning of the story, you definitely require a beta. This first chapter was so confusing that I ended up stopping halfway through (sorry). It should have been a few chapters that were explained that much better. So Hermione has an older brother who is never mentioned and her parents are both from wealthy families (her father's being magical in origin)? What was all that about egg removal etc? The timeline is also a little bit muddled. "Australia" wasn't out during Harry/Hermione's time at Hogwarts (nitpicky I know), also, we don't have Junior Year in High School. In England/UK schools are now referred to as High School (in some areas) but if Hermione's parents come from money they would likely have attended a private school where the 'year' system works...

Please get a beta, preferably one who is not only "Harry Potter" cognizant but also a good Britpicker.

Its very hard to read and follow. There is no real grammatical definition to the story. I think that your story would be very fun to read if it were easier to follow. It seemed to flow a bit awkwardly, but I think that might be part the setup. A good beta would do you wonders. You're on the right track! :)