schedule
January 13, 2012 at 12:00 AM
I like the story for the most part. Too funny to rate being a serious stroke story, but a fun read still. I am not sure if you were aiming for writing an adventure/parody filled with smut for the sake of smut or if you were actually trying to create a good adventure/romance/sex story. For the most part you have succeeded in writing a good readable story, but there are parts that irk me.
Fixing Harry's little horcrux problem was anticlimactic. They screw it goes away. No howling soul being destroyed, no sign that it was actually ever there. The dialogue you have written for Voldie; a lot of times it makes him sound like a geeky teenager! Example: "Ooooh, if I had the time and resources I'd go and destroy Nurmengard right now!" What evil dark lord says, "Ooooh"? Most of the times in just the thinness of the plot and dialogue that bug me. Lord Edgecombe finds his daughter doing the nasty with a junior Death Nibbler and you leave it at, "Marietta, we need to...what the hell!"? No hexes thrown, no asses kicked?
Fixing Harry's little horcrux problem was anticlimactic. They screw it goes away. No howling soul being destroyed, no sign that it was actually ever there. The dialogue you have written for Voldie; a lot of times it makes him sound like a geeky teenager! Example: "Ooooh, if I had the time and resources I'd go and destroy Nurmengard right now!" What evil dark lord says, "Ooooh"? Most of the times in just the thinness of the plot and dialogue that bug me. Lord Edgecombe finds his daughter doing the nasty with a junior Death Nibbler and you leave it at, "Marietta, we need to...what the hell!"? No hexes thrown, no asses kicked?
schedule
December 21, 2011 at 12:00 AM
I hope this story isn't dead.
schedule
November 23, 2011 at 12:00 AM
wow that was great .. please update soon i would like to read more .. later for now
angel
angel
schedule
November 21, 2011 at 12:00 AM
I loved your work. The sex seans ar varey deataled with out them beaing to long. the only poblome I have is not haveing enouf sex seans with gaballa.
schedule
November 19, 2011 at 12:00 AM
Hi,
i really like your story. unfortunally im a litte slow with reading it, so im sorry that i'm not reviewed earlier. i'm also not a nativ english speaker, so i'm soryy for my lack of english.
my mother language is german and i'm a little curios about this line in your 45. chapter.
you wrote "sie wird unterbrochen" and made a commentar at the bottom, that this means "you will be broken". thats not exaktly true.
"Sie wird unterbrochen" means "she will be interrupted". if you want to say, that she will be broken you would write "sie wird gebrochen." but this is not a good german. if you wanted to write, that her will is going to be broken you could write kind of this :"ihr wille wird gebrochen" or "ich werde sie brechen" (i will break her).
this is just a advise.
and i have a little favor to ask. could you create a kind of overview about the members of the harem and relationsships between themselfs (wich is the daughter of, which house they belong and so on) it's get a little confusing after a while.
i hope my english wasn't this bad and you could catch what i'm meaning with the german/english translation suggetion.
bye
Iffi
Beta
i really like your story. unfortunally im a litte slow with reading it, so im sorry that i'm not reviewed earlier. i'm also not a nativ english speaker, so i'm soryy for my lack of english.
my mother language is german and i'm a little curios about this line in your 45. chapter.
you wrote "sie wird unterbrochen" and made a commentar at the bottom, that this means "you will be broken". thats not exaktly true.
"Sie wird unterbrochen" means "she will be interrupted". if you want to say, that she will be broken you would write "sie wird gebrochen." but this is not a good german. if you wanted to write, that her will is going to be broken you could write kind of this :"ihr wille wird gebrochen" or "ich werde sie brechen" (i will break her).
this is just a advise.
and i have a little favor to ask. could you create a kind of overview about the members of the harem and relationsships between themselfs (wich is the daughter of, which house they belong and so on) it's get a little confusing after a while.
i hope my english wasn't this bad and you could catch what i'm meaning with the german/english translation suggetion.
bye
Iffi
Beta
schedule
November 3, 2011 at 12:00 AM
Nice story :)
I really like it,
but "Sie wird unterbrochen" means "she is interrupted", "You will be broken" would be "Du wirst gebrochen sein" even better would be "Ich werde dich brechen" what means "I'll break you"
I really like it,
but "Sie wird unterbrochen" means "she is interrupted", "You will be broken" would be "Du wirst gebrochen sein" even better would be "Ich werde dich brechen" what means "I'll break you"
schedule
October 31, 2011 at 12:00 AM
"Beta
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October 30, 2011 at 12:00 AM
Just finished reading through 1-44 and I have to say, it was great! While there were a few problems with homonyms- "RAPT fascination", not "WRAPPED fascination" (there's no "BOE" on it)- it was still a great story! Looking forward to 45! Maybe having two part-veelas- two different types, no less- will have some unforeseen side-effects. Also, is there any chance that the succubus is still on the loose? We never did find out where she went.
schedule
October 30, 2011 at 12:00 AM
Not an hour after I review, and the next chapter's up. Awesome! And I'm mentioned, which makes it sweeter! Thanks!
Anyway, to answer your question, I was thinking of drawing out the two girls' inner veela(part-veela + part-veela + part-demon = Veela awakening), or maybe all the girls get "Amazoned" if they get pissed, something like that.
"Neliel"? You a Bleach fan? Regardless, sounds like another addition to the harem is on her way!
Anyway, to answer your question, I was thinking of drawing out the two girls' inner veela(part-veela + part-veela + part-demon = Veela awakening), or maybe all the girls get "Amazoned" if they get pissed, something like that.
"Neliel"? You a Bleach fan? Regardless, sounds like another addition to the harem is on her way!
schedule
October 27, 2011 at 12:00 AM
please update soon this is a great read.