rate_review Reviews

Please finish this story!! It is brilliantly written, I really want to find out what happens!

currently at chapter 58, 'from the heart'

well, i think i'm going to stop reading this story here. this has just been too much. just too too much. this is a good close in the story for me. this is a great story, such a unique twist to these characters. i haven't read anything of this type of nature in years, and i really wished i didn't read this one to begin with because it puts my own heart at a horrible place. sigh. oh well, i bet everyone else will love to read the rest of the story though. this isn't anything to do with you, or the other readers, but my heart just can't read anymore of this. nope. i'm out. bye /sobs in a corner/

Are you going to finish this? I would really like to read the rest of it!

Ch 50 So glad Ava and Remus finally got together and he was able to move on from Dora. That was a very nicely written scene. I just don't like this Hermione and hope there is some explanation to her behavior. Why is she now ( and I believe in the previous chapter or two) reverting to calling him Professor when way back at the manor he gave her permission ( and she obliged) to call him Severus. Although she recognized how two faced she was for slapping him over his comments about another lover, why didn't she also acknowledge her lying about her motivations for nursing him back at the manor. In the early chapters, she noted she did feel sorry for him and volunteered to care for him because she admired all he did for the order, etc. How dare she act like caring for him was foisted upon her! And, my gosh, what kind of nurse was she if she didn't know he had improperly healed bones resulting in weird lumps? And, if she didn't notice, why not Ava? Please go back through your soup / food paragraphs and review your uses of the word then. In most cases it should be than. Then=time, order: first this then this; Than=comparison, preference: this rather than that.

Ch 44. Glad to see them making some headway with Draco's note. Remus is really starting to piss me off. Did they let him out too soon? I thought it odd that Minerva would refer to Draco as a student of mine- the only one there who wouldn't know him is Ava. I can't help but wonder why no one has thought about Lucius until now. Did they think he was dead or in prison? Now the picky grammar stuff. Please be consistent in the convention you choose to create possessives of names ending with an 'S'. You flip flop between just putting an apostrophe and putting apostrophe s. ( in the USA most are taught if it ends with s no extra s needed.)In this chapter you write Serevus' but then write Remus's. Pick one form and stick with it. Also, twice you err with Malfoy's when your are referring to plural ( Lucius and Draco) without being possessive.It should just be Malfoys. In the second instance, you are referring to them as plural and possessive and that should be Malfoys'. Not sure why you capitalized Lorry. I hope you take this as constructive assistance. I respect you putting yourself out there and know that many readers give up on stories with too many errors and would hate for your story to be tossed aside.

So glad they finally got rescued. I really liked how you portrayed Harry's reaction to Severus and his recognition that Severus took all of the torture in order to spare Teddy. Not sure why it would take them even a moment to figure out the L.M. brand as it was Draco who sent the note and they know Lucius is masterminding the corruption. I don't get Arthur's assessment that Snape was none the worse for wear with only a few physical marks and bruises where in a following paragraph, in contrast to Harry's assessment,

CH 40. Ah, more of the conspiracy is coming to light. I am not sure if you read the books in another language where the translation differs from the U.S. version but based on the American version, you got the name of Hogwarts wrong. It is Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry not academy of Wizardry and Magic. I also noticed you tend to separate out a direct dialog from the sentence when it would flow better to include it as one ie "...one closing remark.

Ch 41. Oh, you have got to be kidding. I just don't know if I can even finish this story if you are not going to think at all before you type. Really? Neville's parents, who were both purebloods, would buy a full truck load ( does the Wizarding world have muggle trucks?) of ink from the internet? Neville's parents were hospitalized in the 80's soon after he was born; the world wide web wasn't in place until the 90's and online stores came a few years later. And, the ink they donated to the school has lasted over 10 years. I believe in allowing for author's artistic license but this is just stretching it. How can you possibly think readers would find this plausible? Why make up something so unrealistic; just say she recognized the ink and leave it at that if you couldn't come up with an explanation that would make sense.

With regards to my comments on the ink, I will apologize for having not read the entire section as you do explain why the special ink is still around, but I do stand by the rest. In this chapter, I find it hard to believe Hermione would so casually toss Arthur's project to the floor. Also, if she just finished the translation how is it that she already sent it off to Minverva through Rabastan? Please double check how you capitalize Father. Unless it is being used as a substitution for a proper name ie. if Draco is addressing his dad, "Father, may I go?" for example it should not be capitalized. In this section, Silencio! You will not speak, fool!

Chapt.30 Wow! Great story. You really managed to shake up our stereotypes of the characters; we just don't know who to trust. I can't make up my mind about Rabastan. Just who or what is responsible for Remus' change in personality? Is it Rabastan or has Sirius come back in some form-especially with him using Snivellus. How does your twisty mind work? Please do take some time to proofread the story again. I noticed that when you make the possessive for Remus you do it correctly with just an ' yet for Severus you make the error of adding a 's. If the name ends with an s no extra s needed. Also, when using a proper noun and pronoun, the proper noun comes first ie. Hermione and he left. Quite often you had them reversed and then chose the wrong form of the pronoun -he/him.