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November 18, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Draco's attitude towards his change is not as accepting as one would think. But then I wonder if I'd be cool with being immortal with the way the world is going to hell...hmm maybe not.
Keep up the good work!
Keep up the good work!
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November 18, 2009 at 12:00 AM
You might want to watch word's like 'bomb' being used by a pureblood wizard who's been sheltered from muggles most of his life. Unless you give a reason as to why he would know what this word would mean. That's something I look out for when I'm writing; not to use words that don't fit a character's background or expereince of life. It's the same with phrasing, since their British and not American, the English is different.
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November 18, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Those are some intense emotions Draco is experiencing. So, is this winter break? Are you going to mention the month of the year?
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November 18, 2009 at 12:00 AM
I most definitely enjoyed the intensity of that scene! I'm not usually a fan of present-tense writting. But you're doing a good job.
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November 18, 2009 at 12:00 AM
All the more reason why Harry should entice Draco to sleep in bed next to him. Draco's angst is so amazingly wonderful...
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November 18, 2009 at 12:00 AM
I think you meant "weaving" not "woving" because that's past-tense and you're writing in present tense. good chap over all though.
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November 18, 2009 at 12:00 AM
I like the sense of dependency that you give both of them. Too bad Snape died.
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November 18, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Ron really sucks with is bad attitude. I can't wait until he turns around and changes his mind.
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November 18, 2009 at 12:00 AM
You need to make it clear whether or not Harry is in the room. One line your saying that Harry is outside the room and the next your saying that Harry is being glared at by Narcissa. Either add him earlier in the scene as the only member of the golden trio to remain or change that line: "She looks defiantly around the room, giving both Dumbledore and Potter an especially disdainful glare." and put Shacklebolt's name there instead.
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November 18, 2009 at 12:00 AM
ooh i read this last night but i hated the ending, sorry i wanted draco to live or turn harry, i mean harry would have survived right? so i was like why wasn't he turned. still really want draco to live because i mean i know that he was a little out of it but he managed to kick bella so why could he use his vamp strength and kick her ass all the way across the field? i'm not trying to knock your story here and if you keep it the same thats cool i guess but the ending made me so sad and i was hoping for a happy one