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October 1, 2014 at 12:00 AM
Love it so fare keep up the good work ASAP
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July 10, 2013 at 12:00 AM
Love it ke up the god work ASAP
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March 4, 2012 at 12:00 AM
Up until the chapter "Soldier Love", this story was at least some what cohesive. Now, I can't help but wonder if you started mixing it up with another story, or maybe Harry is having this really weird dream. I just don't know what to think of it anymore. I mean really, Queens Army? Before getting out of Hogwarts? I greatly doubt it!
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September 27, 2011 at 12:00 AM
Now, I remember back in the day (chapter 5: Gaining Love For Loss) how you spoke of being offended by someone saying you should acquire a Beta. I would like to point out four things on the matter.
1) It is not quantity, it is quality. Even with outside view, you will never, NEVER, see all the mistakes you make. A Beta is an honour and a priviledge. A Beta stands by you, encourages you, and motivates you while also correcting your mistakes. Where would a writer be without an Editor? Beta's are the Fan Fiction community's editors. Please realise that while you may find it an insult, it truly is an experience worth having. I had the same Beta for four years, she was a wonder to work with, but we eventually had no need for each other. I now have a new Beta and I show her all the rspect she deserves because I am aware that it is a hard job. A Beta looks past their ideas for a story and allows the writer to form and create their masterpiece.
2) Characterization and sentence structure is your largest and seemingly only issue. Your characters may be intended OOC, but in reality, they start to blend after awhile. Don't forget the magic of fan fiction; the reason it is written is to honour the characters we are portraying and respect them with our love and adoration by presenting them in odd or unique situations. Your sentences lack the structure needed to make this story flow. I more than once had to go back and reread conversations because I couldn't figure out who was speaking to who.
3) When you ask for critisism, remember that you will come across people that will cut you and your story down. You should take both harsh and sugar-coated words lightly, it is easy to become attatched to someone's opinion (and someone you'll never know, no less) so it is pointless to become so flustered and call an individual out because you're offended. Also remember to take these comments and use them, though. Someone wrote them, took time out of their day to tell you what they see wrong, and expect to be heard. It is petty, but you will learn from it. What's the phrase? You won't learn without listening. Who better to listen to than your readers?
4) Last but not least, this is my own opinion, I believe your story needs more sustenance and less meaningless facts. We all love hearing the latest gossip the Daily Prophet spews off, but not at an inaproppriate time. I walked into the story feeling like I was going to be stuck with to much detail and not enough story, and I ended up with too much detail and not enough story (which can be noticed your pointing out your word count at the end of every chapter). The word count is not necessarily a bad thing, but I often feel that putting in the number is your main concern- hitting that 1k mark- don't worry about count! Worry about your story, go back to middle school with the 1, 2, 3, A, B, and C process. (If you're unfamiliar with the title, don't worry, I'm not entirely certain what to call it, so I displayed it below...)
Now, you can delete this and become extremely angry, and declare this a blow to your pride, OR you can take all that I've written and use it. It really is up to you. I will look forward for your progress as a writer.
~Pirate In A Jar
(The 123ABC process:
1 The first initial paragraph of the page.
-A) Detail
-B) Fact
-C) Support Statement
2 The process repeats.
3 The process repeats.
This is usually an outline for essays, but I find most writers that use it appropriately have their priorities in order by the end of the outline, and can usually perform a finishing draft effortlessly. Not every paragraph MUST contain the three initial ingrediants, but it does help you realise when you're rambling and straying from the original topic.)
1) It is not quantity, it is quality. Even with outside view, you will never, NEVER, see all the mistakes you make. A Beta is an honour and a priviledge. A Beta stands by you, encourages you, and motivates you while also correcting your mistakes. Where would a writer be without an Editor? Beta's are the Fan Fiction community's editors. Please realise that while you may find it an insult, it truly is an experience worth having. I had the same Beta for four years, she was a wonder to work with, but we eventually had no need for each other. I now have a new Beta and I show her all the rspect she deserves because I am aware that it is a hard job. A Beta looks past their ideas for a story and allows the writer to form and create their masterpiece.
2) Characterization and sentence structure is your largest and seemingly only issue. Your characters may be intended OOC, but in reality, they start to blend after awhile. Don't forget the magic of fan fiction; the reason it is written is to honour the characters we are portraying and respect them with our love and adoration by presenting them in odd or unique situations. Your sentences lack the structure needed to make this story flow. I more than once had to go back and reread conversations because I couldn't figure out who was speaking to who.
3) When you ask for critisism, remember that you will come across people that will cut you and your story down. You should take both harsh and sugar-coated words lightly, it is easy to become attatched to someone's opinion (and someone you'll never know, no less) so it is pointless to become so flustered and call an individual out because you're offended. Also remember to take these comments and use them, though. Someone wrote them, took time out of their day to tell you what they see wrong, and expect to be heard. It is petty, but you will learn from it. What's the phrase? You won't learn without listening. Who better to listen to than your readers?
4) Last but not least, this is my own opinion, I believe your story needs more sustenance and less meaningless facts. We all love hearing the latest gossip the Daily Prophet spews off, but not at an inaproppriate time. I walked into the story feeling like I was going to be stuck with to much detail and not enough story, and I ended up with too much detail and not enough story (which can be noticed your pointing out your word count at the end of every chapter). The word count is not necessarily a bad thing, but I often feel that putting in the number is your main concern- hitting that 1k mark- don't worry about count! Worry about your story, go back to middle school with the 1, 2, 3, A, B, and C process. (If you're unfamiliar with the title, don't worry, I'm not entirely certain what to call it, so I displayed it below...)
Now, you can delete this and become extremely angry, and declare this a blow to your pride, OR you can take all that I've written and use it. It really is up to you. I will look forward for your progress as a writer.
~Pirate In A Jar
(The 123ABC process:
1 The first initial paragraph of the page.
-A) Detail
-B) Fact
-C) Support Statement
2 The process repeats.
3 The process repeats.
This is usually an outline for essays, but I find most writers that use it appropriately have their priorities in order by the end of the outline, and can usually perform a finishing draft effortlessly. Not every paragraph MUST contain the three initial ingrediants, but it does help you realise when you're rambling and straying from the original topic.)
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July 30, 2011 at 12:00 AM
the students are in for an arse kicking but the others... can anyone say, one dead Dursley to go? And the rest of them two once sev finds them.
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July 26, 2011 at 12:00 AM
omg i really like this story its deep and moving and actually realistic keep up the good work and could you email me when you update? angelicsheila1978@yahoo.com
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July 14, 2011 at 12:00 AM
the fall out is going to be hard hitting and spectacular, both for Deaco and family and i sincerely hope, for his attackers.
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June 22, 2011 at 12:00 AM
how dare they do that to draco! i hope harry hurts them badly.
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June 22, 2011 at 12:00 AM
i just realized, what will george do when he find out not only did they hurt his boyfriend they raped him!?
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June 7, 2011 at 12:00 AM
OMG! WTF! How the hell could they do that to Draco? Who was it? Imma go crucio them!
Thanks for the update! Can't wait for the next one!
Thanks for the update! Can't wait for the next one!