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December 9, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Beautiful story!
And I love the Ron-bashing...poor git!!! LOL
You have a lyrical way with words that made
me see the scenes of the story as though I
were watching a play or a movie. THAT is
not easy to do!
And I love the Ron-bashing...poor git!!! LOL
You have a lyrical way with words that made
me see the scenes of the story as though I
were watching a play or a movie. THAT is
not easy to do!
schedule
October 27, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 1: Oh my, Ron is such a total slob with no thought but for himself. I
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October 13, 2009 at 12:00 AM
What a wonderful story.I whis you had added just a lil more of Ron looking in on Hermione's new life.lol.
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October 12, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Pretty good! There are a few then/than usage problems but I like how the story did not focus on all the Weaslys bad mouthing Hermione but instead focused on her living the life she deserved.
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October 12, 2009 at 12:00 AM
I enjoy the concept of the idea. However, some serious issues exist that you need to fix.
You have an fondness for the exclamation mark, I have noticed. If you re-read what you write, and pay attention to the punctuation attached to the dialogue, then you will notice that the use of said exclamation mark takes a simple phrase, and makes it completely Out-of-Character. Connotation is a very powerful thing, and the reader's reactions to what a form of punctuation generally means can skew the perception of your writing.
You rather like to tell, rather than show. And for this type of story, its acceptable, but you should really pay attention to your characterization. It does seem to be lacking in quite a few instances.
I noticed that occasionally you have a character repeat an action, as when Hermione woke up twice at the beginning of the story. You should read through and fix those little lapses.
And the thing that honestly annoyed me the most was Lucius Malfoy, Pureblood extremist, using a cellphone in a magical community. I can understand Wizards using cellphones, but it just doesn't fit into his character to be seen using one in public. Perhaps it's just me, but it irked me.
With a little work, and some revision, this poses to be quite a magnificent story.
Death.
You have an fondness for the exclamation mark, I have noticed. If you re-read what you write, and pay attention to the punctuation attached to the dialogue, then you will notice that the use of said exclamation mark takes a simple phrase, and makes it completely Out-of-Character. Connotation is a very powerful thing, and the reader's reactions to what a form of punctuation generally means can skew the perception of your writing.
You rather like to tell, rather than show. And for this type of story, its acceptable, but you should really pay attention to your characterization. It does seem to be lacking in quite a few instances.
I noticed that occasionally you have a character repeat an action, as when Hermione woke up twice at the beginning of the story. You should read through and fix those little lapses.
And the thing that honestly annoyed me the most was Lucius Malfoy, Pureblood extremist, using a cellphone in a magical community. I can understand Wizards using cellphones, but it just doesn't fit into his character to be seen using one in public. Perhaps it's just me, but it irked me.
With a little work, and some revision, this poses to be quite a magnificent story.
Death.