schedule
June 23, 2009 at 12:00 AM
This is a very interesting story and you write quite well, you just have a few grammars that are quite annoying to someone who reads books and such in english regularly.
For one, I think you ment FOOTball, when you wrote kick ball, and second, here's a piece of your story as you wrote it and the same piece after I corrected it:
ORIGINAL:
"He walked out of gym without it. And i thought i would give it back to him on Monday." Harry said as Ron grinned.
"Hey lets go through it." Ron said as Hermione hit him in the back of the head.
"Ron now that is just rude. Riddle may be a cold evil monster but he wouldnt go through your stuff." Hermione said as Harry blinked.
"What do you mean 'monster'?" Harry asked as Ron looked at him.
"It's why he avoid that bastard like the plauge. And why you should avoid him aswell." Ron said as Harry looked very confused.
"Harry... Tom Riddle is the school vampire." Hermione said as Harry felt his jaw drop at the news that he was very attracted to someone who could kill him with a hickey.
CORRECTED:
"He walked out of gym without it. And I thought I would give it back to him on Monday." Harry said as Ron grinned.
"Hey, lets go through it." Ron said as Hermione hit him in the back of the head.
"Ron! Now that is just rude. Riddle may be a cold, evil monster but he wouldn't go through your stuff." Hermione said as Harry blinked.
"What do you mean 'monster'?" Harry asked as Ron looked at him.
"It's why we avoid that bastard like the plague. And why you should avoid him as well." Ron said as Harry looked very confused.
"Harry... Tom Riddle is the school vampire." Hermione said as Harry felt his jaw drop at the news that he was very attracted to someone who could kill him with a hickey.
Notice the difference? When you write anywhere something like 'I'm gay', you write the I as capital and don't forget the throwmarks. If you need a beta, you can reach me at elohopeaa84@luukku.com, but please make sure to notify me first and wait for a reply.
Keep up the good work and I'm serious, I can beta this story for you if you need help. You only need to ask.
For one, I think you ment FOOTball, when you wrote kick ball, and second, here's a piece of your story as you wrote it and the same piece after I corrected it:
ORIGINAL:
"He walked out of gym without it. And i thought i would give it back to him on Monday." Harry said as Ron grinned.
"Hey lets go through it." Ron said as Hermione hit him in the back of the head.
"Ron now that is just rude. Riddle may be a cold evil monster but he wouldnt go through your stuff." Hermione said as Harry blinked.
"What do you mean 'monster'?" Harry asked as Ron looked at him.
"It's why he avoid that bastard like the plauge. And why you should avoid him aswell." Ron said as Harry looked very confused.
"Harry... Tom Riddle is the school vampire." Hermione said as Harry felt his jaw drop at the news that he was very attracted to someone who could kill him with a hickey.
CORRECTED:
"He walked out of gym without it. And I thought I would give it back to him on Monday." Harry said as Ron grinned.
"Hey, lets go through it." Ron said as Hermione hit him in the back of the head.
"Ron! Now that is just rude. Riddle may be a cold, evil monster but he wouldn't go through your stuff." Hermione said as Harry blinked.
"What do you mean 'monster'?" Harry asked as Ron looked at him.
"It's why we avoid that bastard like the plague. And why you should avoid him as well." Ron said as Harry looked very confused.
"Harry... Tom Riddle is the school vampire." Hermione said as Harry felt his jaw drop at the news that he was very attracted to someone who could kill him with a hickey.
Notice the difference? When you write anywhere something like 'I'm gay', you write the I as capital and don't forget the throwmarks. If you need a beta, you can reach me at elohopeaa84@luukku.com, but please make sure to notify me first and wait for a reply.
Keep up the good work and I'm serious, I can beta this story for you if you need help. You only need to ask.
schedule
June 22, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Tom's a vamp! *le gasp* At least that explains his REALLY pale skin, etc.
I love the motorcycle! Harry blushes so much! aww
Good chapter.
I love the motorcycle! Harry blushes so much! aww
Good chapter.
schedule
June 22, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Another great chapter! Good descriptions and I like how you develop the personalities of Harry and Tom.
schedule
June 22, 2009 at 12:00 AM
GREAT STORY!
schedule
June 21, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Well Sirius even though you haven't thought about him in years, it's painfully obvious that Sev remembers every little minute detail right down to the boxers he wore when you and James tied him upside down in the tree outside the school for everyone to laugh at......*sigh*
Pretty good I think I'm liking Tom and Draco already and Harry is just too adorable as always...Can't wait for next update!
Pretty good I think I'm liking Tom and Draco already and Harry is just too adorable as always...Can't wait for next update!
schedule
June 21, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Good first chapter.
Tom and Draco make a dynamic duo, and Harry's adorable!
Might want to get a beta to fix your spelling mistakes, but other than that, you have me hooked! :)
Keep going!
Tom and Draco make a dynamic duo, and Harry's adorable!
Might want to get a beta to fix your spelling mistakes, but other than that, you have me hooked! :)
Keep going!
schedule
June 21, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Very interesting story, I liked how you set the plot, and I am curious as how Harry's high school years will be. I can't wait for the next update, so I hope it comes soon.
Have a good day,
Orme
Have a good day,
Orme
schedule
June 21, 2009 at 12:00 AM
good chapter ^_^ there were some spelling mistakes...but overall it was a good reading :) Keep going ;)
schedule
June 21, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Fantastic chapter!