rate_review Reviews

Hello Jasmine.....


Alright, so I will begin by acknowledging your improvement, and as you go on you will improve even more, but you still have a long way to go. The story has so much potential but you seem in a mad rush to post it. Why not just take it down and take your time and post something that you can be proud of? I personally do not begin posting until my fics are complete. I usually run it by 2 people before I post it, not beta readers but they will let me know if anything is off, and still there are type-os, thats fine, no one is perfect and errors are expected without the use of professional editors. Your story is riddled with them from the summary on....you REALLY REALLY REALLY should take up one of your readers on their offer to Beta read for you hon. I want you to keep writing, and I truly understand the feeling that if you dont hurry and get it out there it will leave your head, I also understand the excitement to have others reading your work, but wouldnt you rather give them something thats easy to read and that you can be proud of? Dont ignore the constructive criticism that the reviewers are offering you, they mean well and they WANT you to succeed and put out a good story.


Happy Writing,
SG

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! i will. question though what was the name of the story that you posted before that is now this one? i love the story and i do hope that it will be regular updates. :) can i ask you to do one thing. would you please seperate each persons statements and not have them grouped in a paragraph, please? :) thank you! doing it like how they are done in published books, it makes it eaiser to read. i do hope that you get everything you want for your birthday and have a great day! :)

I really like this story alot. Can you please write some more chapters?

Excellent. I can't wait to read more.

Do you need another beta-reader? There are quite a few grammatical errors in here that make it hard to read. Email is abrook@agnesscott.edu

This copy is much better than the first version. It is easy to see that a lot of care was put into the current revision.
You have a very nice story concept and I am looking forward to reading further chapters. If you wish a second Beta reader please
feel free to ask me at tenar10r@yahoo.com. I am offering because I feel that this story is going to be fantastic! Please keep writing;
you seem to get better and better every time. :)

I do have a few suggestions for the first three lines of your story.
"2 weeks is up" = 'Two weeks ARE up' -the word 'weeks' is plural and therefore needs a plural verb and you spell out numbers.
"someone for you our choice" = 'someone for you; our choice'- a hard pause in a sentence needs a semi-colon.
"you must have copulate with your" = 'you must copulate with your' -removed the word 'have'. Alternately you could phrase it as
"you must have copulation with your"; but then I think I would choose the word 'intercourse' instead of "copulate".

If you spent as much time revising your chapters as you do reposting your story, you might have a well written story on your hands; as it stands right know, it is gapping with spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors and this fourth chapter doesn't even look like you've revised it from the original.