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March 11, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Wow so long... i was thinking it was abandonned :)
That was a great chapter, so...
Continuuuuuuuuuuuue,
Z.
That was a great chapter, so...
Continuuuuuuuuuuuue,
Z.
schedule
March 11, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Loves loves loves it! One of my fave AU fics.. you do such an awesome job of writing believable smut!
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March 11, 2010 at 12:00 AM
read all the chapter this evening. Wonderful job by the way.
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March 10, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Wow! I'm loving this story, and I hope that you plan on finishing it! I never thought I would read a believable Dom!Harry but you've done it. Well done and I can't wait to see what happens next!
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March 1, 2010 at 12:00 AM
You know, you have a very interesting story here.... And indeed, it is a different way of looking at things.
I stumbled across this story about....2 years ago, and I had forgotten before today what its title was. I found it interesting back then, so much so, that I went looking for it again, and eventually found it.
Okay, enough praise. Time to get down to business...
You have quite a few spelling and gramatical erorrs, but not as many as some authors that I've seen. Even if you don't have a BETA reader, you should proof-read and grammer check everything before you post it...
Another problem that I am seeing, whether or not it's just me, I don't know, but you seem to lack a full sense of a passage of time. Sure, you can write down the basics of how long it has been, and generally what life's been like, but I think that, with your chapters as short as they are, they seem to lack a good sense of how much time has passed in any sense... I'm assuming that, according to the name of the most recent chapter, Yuletide draws near. However, it does not feel, to me, that about 3 to 4 months, or so, have occured since the beginning of the fic.
I do think that your descriptions are masterfully done, and I can really understand how the people feel, what is actually going on in a scene, and can visualize the events without help. I would say, though, that your physical descriptions might be a touch more thorough. However, it's up to you how much detail you put into those. As an example, I can say that we all have some sort of visual as to what Harry, Hermoine, Luna, Ron, Ginny, and perhaps Daphne Greengrass might look like. However, in all of my readings with Tracy Davis, I have yet to concieve a good picture of her. One of the best things to do, as I was told by my Creative Writing teacher a few years ago, is to Show, rather than Tell. I'm not the greatest at doing this, however, if you put about 3/4 as much effort into your character descriptions as you do with your scene descriptions, they would be hell of a lot better.
Okay, I know I'm being spastic now, but I want to talk about your approach to the whole D/s and Slave aspect of the relationship here. I've read many a story, HP or otherwise, where the main character either is given slaves, willing or by force, and treats them as equals, they(The slaves) rebel against the idea and are eventualy freed, or are just so naturally submissive that it doesn't matter....and they hardly ever go into the punishment aspects of what is needed to be the Dominate in the relationship.... There are a few HP/Many Slave fics where one of the slaves(about 50% of the time it's Hermione) who enacts the whole idea of being a slave...and Harry doesn't seem to have a problem with that.
You...you however have Harry begin the D/s relationship, with him as the Dominant of course, and do go into the neccescity(I can never spell that word right) of punishment.
I like your style, I would love to see this story continue. If you wish it, I will give you my services as a BETA, if that will help. While I am not well versed in the community of Dominate/submissive, and cannot help you with that aspect of your story, I would offer to help with spelling and gramatical errors, as well as maybe a few ideas on describing people and objects.
Your fan,
Kuronosa Kunsai, Kitsune dimensional traveler
I stumbled across this story about....2 years ago, and I had forgotten before today what its title was. I found it interesting back then, so much so, that I went looking for it again, and eventually found it.
Okay, enough praise. Time to get down to business...
You have quite a few spelling and gramatical erorrs, but not as many as some authors that I've seen. Even if you don't have a BETA reader, you should proof-read and grammer check everything before you post it...
Another problem that I am seeing, whether or not it's just me, I don't know, but you seem to lack a full sense of a passage of time. Sure, you can write down the basics of how long it has been, and generally what life's been like, but I think that, with your chapters as short as they are, they seem to lack a good sense of how much time has passed in any sense... I'm assuming that, according to the name of the most recent chapter, Yuletide draws near. However, it does not feel, to me, that about 3 to 4 months, or so, have occured since the beginning of the fic.
I do think that your descriptions are masterfully done, and I can really understand how the people feel, what is actually going on in a scene, and can visualize the events without help. I would say, though, that your physical descriptions might be a touch more thorough. However, it's up to you how much detail you put into those. As an example, I can say that we all have some sort of visual as to what Harry, Hermoine, Luna, Ron, Ginny, and perhaps Daphne Greengrass might look like. However, in all of my readings with Tracy Davis, I have yet to concieve a good picture of her. One of the best things to do, as I was told by my Creative Writing teacher a few years ago, is to Show, rather than Tell. I'm not the greatest at doing this, however, if you put about 3/4 as much effort into your character descriptions as you do with your scene descriptions, they would be hell of a lot better.
Okay, I know I'm being spastic now, but I want to talk about your approach to the whole D/s and Slave aspect of the relationship here. I've read many a story, HP or otherwise, where the main character either is given slaves, willing or by force, and treats them as equals, they(The slaves) rebel against the idea and are eventualy freed, or are just so naturally submissive that it doesn't matter....and they hardly ever go into the punishment aspects of what is needed to be the Dominate in the relationship.... There are a few HP/Many Slave fics where one of the slaves(about 50% of the time it's Hermione) who enacts the whole idea of being a slave...and Harry doesn't seem to have a problem with that.
You...you however have Harry begin the D/s relationship, with him as the Dominant of course, and do go into the neccescity(I can never spell that word right) of punishment.
I like your style, I would love to see this story continue. If you wish it, I will give you my services as a BETA, if that will help. While I am not well versed in the community of Dominate/submissive, and cannot help you with that aspect of your story, I would offer to help with spelling and gramatical errors, as well as maybe a few ideas on describing people and objects.
Your fan,
Kuronosa Kunsai, Kitsune dimensional traveler
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October 30, 2009 at 12:00 AM
I just wanted to say that this story is very well written and it is a great story. It has really captured my attention and I can't wait to read more.
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September 27, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Is this story going to be updated or is it done already? I really enjoy reading it, actually its one of my favorites on here and I would like to read more.
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September 8, 2009 at 12:00 AM
hey, great and hot story so far,will there be anymore?
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July 22, 2009 at 12:00 AM
I love your story as I have said before. I keep watching for you to update it. I love how you keep to the basic Charactor of Harry and Hermione. Keep up the good work. If you wish to let me know when you next plan to write some more please contact me at cinder_phenix@hotmail.com. Once again, I am becoming a big fan of your story.
Your fan,
Hedwigseyes.
Your fan,
Hedwigseyes.
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June 11, 2009 at 12:00 AM
A different way of looking at things. This is a good story. I think I had seen it updated before, but had not started reading it. I look forward to more of this. Keep up the good work.
Liz
Liz