rate_review Reviews

you should write more! intersting beginning

Alright... I won't say anything about the plot of this story for it is still the first chapter and I believe everything is possible. What I noticed were three things:
First, you have some mistakes in spelling. For example "Serius" instead of "Sirius" or "Horcruxe's" instead of "Horcruxes" and "its" instead of "it's". Maybe you need to read through your chapters another time or get yourself a Beta-Reader.
Second: Please pay attention to your English and OOC-ness. Harry Potter is a British English story, but "Dammit" spoken by Bellatrix is OOC as well as more American.
Third: Your grammar. You confused "was" with "were" and some other things that just make you stumble while reading.
Please don't take this personal. It is just meant to help you with your story. My recommendation would be to get yourself a Beta-Reader to help. It can work miracles ^^
Regards, Obscura

The first chapter was quite nice, but I think you need to revamp the details in the second chapter. There's no issue with where you're trying to go, but their motivations change too quickly and the characterizations aren't convincing. For example, why did Hermione volunteer exactly which Horcruxes they had already destroyed? She could have kept her answer a lot shorter with less info. If she was really that terrified of the Crucio that she'd spill her guts, say so. Maybe go back and consider each action they do and what they say, and see if it is appropriate for the character given what had just happened?

Your dialogue is just fine. WHat I don't understand is why herm gave in so easily? I would have expected her to fight back. Oh well, at least she wasn't so viciously raped and broken to almost nothingness

ooh more please!!!!