rate_review Reviews

Rest of it, pkease!!!??,

i am really liking the premise of this story and i would really like to see an update soon! And i can also say that i got my way with my husband too. He wanted only two kids, but i wanted three. When we found out i was pregnant the second time, it turned out to be twin boys!lol

I like it. Please update soon.

i love this story i hope you update soon

I really like this story alot. Can you please write some more chapters?

Ah... this is interesting. Firstly, I just want to say that my first review seemed very harsh, but I didn't mean for it to sound like that. I truly appreciate this story, but there are alot of imrovements that you need to make. If you are going to redesign the characters, that's fine, but you must still give them believable lines. It just seems... painfully mechanical, because the writing is so disjointed. Despite it all, I still find this story to be so intruiging. Don't stop here. I really want to know what happens! And twins! Good grief! lol

I really like this story alot. Can you please write some more chapters?

You committed my number one writing pet peeve over and over and over again. For example when you wrote:

"'Hermione are you ok?' When she just nodded he sat down next to her, put his hand under her chin and tilted her head to look at him.

"'I will be fine Severus.'

"'I kind of doubt that Hermione. You had a huge shock tonight and surprisingly I want to help you.'

In this example, there are two issues. Number one, you use language in an unnatural way. Who, in conversation speaks without contractions except a California Valley Girl? And even they use contractions. Number two, you had each character use each other's names obsessively. "'HERMIONE, are you okay?'" then, "'I will be fine SEVERUS.'" followed by, "'I kind of doubt that HERMIONE.'" Overall, the dialogue is very, very forced. I suggest reading your chapter through from quote to quote and pruning it to sound realistic.

It also doesn't help that neither Snape nor Hermione seem very convincing to me. The plot also seems forced and rushed. I am still intrigued by the premise, and will continue reading another chapter. Good luck.

Congrats on your double blessing. I like this story enough to finally register so I could review it. Your comment about how Hermione seems to end up pregnant struck a chord with me. Of the 12 stories I've written (but not published) Hermione always ends up with child. Interesting?
Keep writing & I'll keep reading
Doodle

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, because I really think you are writing okay. The piece of constructive criticism that I would just like to share is that perhaps you are pushing too many ideas into the one story too quickly. You've picked up on some really great plot lines that can definately make a good story but your rushing through things very quickly without much character devolpment sanf jujdy packing to much into it. I think you just need practice, good luck!