schedule
February 16, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I really liked this chappie but I think the chapters should be longer...but then I always think that about stories I like. How hot was the dancing. Dayam. *fans self* I think I need a drink now as my throat is so dry from all that panting that chapter made me do. SOOOO HOT. Nellie
schedule
February 16, 2008 at 12:00 AM
This fic has GREAT promise, but it is a nightmare to read; please don't take what I'm going to say as an insult, but as constructive criticism and advice!
Your paragraphs are huge and that can be rather off-putting to a lot of people (I had to have a lot of determination to read to the end, and I had to read it twice to get the gist of it), try and split the monster paragraphs into smaller ones with lines between - it really helps a reader and makes your fic easier to access and understand.
Another issue is that new speakers (and thoughts) aren't on completely new lines, following the conversation and thought is hard in this. And really, thoughts should be in ' marks and speech in " marks, lots of novels only use ' for speech, but thoughts shouldn't be in ".
Its a html code once you've posted to add lines, just copy the code from previously in the text to insert new lines, pressing return won't work once it is posted.
Right, onto the plot now the technicalities are out of the way... this is wonderfully unique - and I'm a huge fan of an original plot or idea, fanfiction sees far too many cliches for its own good. What did Hermione win to end up on the trip? Was it a competition, or did she open a box of cereal and find a golden ticket? I presume she didn't really know Draco and Blaise during Hogwarts, but perhaps wanted them from afar.
Keep up the good work and have a little play with the formatting; I'd also like to suggest finding a beta reader to go through a fic with a fine toothed comb before its posted to weedle out the errors.
THIS IS A BRILLIANT IDEA, but it needs a bit of work.
Your paragraphs are huge and that can be rather off-putting to a lot of people (I had to have a lot of determination to read to the end, and I had to read it twice to get the gist of it), try and split the monster paragraphs into smaller ones with lines between - it really helps a reader and makes your fic easier to access and understand.
Another issue is that new speakers (and thoughts) aren't on completely new lines, following the conversation and thought is hard in this. And really, thoughts should be in ' marks and speech in " marks, lots of novels only use ' for speech, but thoughts shouldn't be in ".
Its a html code once you've posted to add lines, just copy the code from previously in the text to insert new lines, pressing return won't work once it is posted.
Right, onto the plot now the technicalities are out of the way... this is wonderfully unique - and I'm a huge fan of an original plot or idea, fanfiction sees far too many cliches for its own good. What did Hermione win to end up on the trip? Was it a competition, or did she open a box of cereal and find a golden ticket? I presume she didn't really know Draco and Blaise during Hogwarts, but perhaps wanted them from afar.
Keep up the good work and have a little play with the formatting; I'd also like to suggest finding a beta reader to go through a fic with a fine toothed comb before its posted to weedle out the errors.
THIS IS A BRILLIANT IDEA, but it needs a bit of work.
schedule
February 16, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Excellent start... I really liked that it seemed she and Draco had never argued. It makes for a much more mysterious start for all of them. The foreplay was really hot! I can't wait till you get to the actual deed... please update soon!!
schedule
February 16, 2008 at 12:00 AM
hot hot hot hot!! pleasssssseeee update soon!
schedule
February 16, 2008 at 12:00 AM
please i need more!
schedule
February 15, 2008 at 12:00 AM
omg more!!