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January 8, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Still intriguing! You've got a nice twist in there with the Weasley's. I never expected Molly to say what she said, and it caught me totally unaware, which only makes me want more of your story. I also liked the bit with Harry finding Dumbledore's note to Petunia, another unexpected twist, especially with him telling her to use a firmer hand with Harry and to keep him isolated. I like it that Harry isn't as clueless as he was portrayed to be in the canon story. This looks to be as interesting as your prologue promised, and I can't wait for your next update. You've got a good thing going here.
I have a few suggestions (not flames or criticisms!) that you might find useful. Chapter One for some reason was much wider than the page, which made it difficult to read. This may be a glitch with AFF, but is worth checking out. There were a couple of instances in which you suddenly switched tenses, so you may want keep an eye on that. There's a timeline mistake if you're going to stick to the canon timeline. Harry was born in 1980, which would make him 8 years old at the start of your story, but then, its your story so if that's what you had planned, disregard my pointing it out. There is a small inconsistency also. You wrote that the passersby on the street recognised Harry; "strangers seemed to know him, and were fascinated by his scar," and then two paragraphs later say; "Harry quickly took out the shard of mirror he had nicked..... He lifted his fringe and checked to make sure the make-up from Petunia's kit was still in place over his scar. Seeing all was well...." The strangers on the street can't be fascinated by his scar if it's hidden under his fringe and under make up unless they can somehow magically see it. If that is indeed the case, you may want to edit in a line explaining that.
Again, these are not flames or criticisms and I hope you will not take them as such. As you've invited suggestions and corrections, these are mine and are intended only to be helpful, not hurtful in any way, and which you are free to either take or ignore as you see fit. :)
All in all, IMO, you're doing a great job, and I can't wait to see where you go with this. Please update soon, I'll be looking for it!
I have a few suggestions (not flames or criticisms!) that you might find useful. Chapter One for some reason was much wider than the page, which made it difficult to read. This may be a glitch with AFF, but is worth checking out. There were a couple of instances in which you suddenly switched tenses, so you may want keep an eye on that. There's a timeline mistake if you're going to stick to the canon timeline. Harry was born in 1980, which would make him 8 years old at the start of your story, but then, its your story so if that's what you had planned, disregard my pointing it out. There is a small inconsistency also. You wrote that the passersby on the street recognised Harry; "strangers seemed to know him, and were fascinated by his scar," and then two paragraphs later say; "Harry quickly took out the shard of mirror he had nicked..... He lifted his fringe and checked to make sure the make-up from Petunia's kit was still in place over his scar. Seeing all was well...." The strangers on the street can't be fascinated by his scar if it's hidden under his fringe and under make up unless they can somehow magically see it. If that is indeed the case, you may want to edit in a line explaining that.
Again, these are not flames or criticisms and I hope you will not take them as such. As you've invited suggestions and corrections, these are mine and are intended only to be helpful, not hurtful in any way, and which you are free to either take or ignore as you see fit. :)
All in all, IMO, you're doing a great job, and I can't wait to see where you go with this. Please update soon, I'll be looking for it!
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January 8, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Intriguing beginning. I'll keep checking back for updates to see where you go with this.
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January 8, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Good story so far, but somehow it was all stretched out to the sides.. made it annoying to read.. but it was only the second chapter o.O odd... anyway, like it, do continue soon plz <3