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January 5, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I was stupid to start reading this *sighs*
Great story so far. I love non magical fics! I'd right more but, I have to work in 3 hours. Nights!
Great story so far. I love non magical fics! I'd right more but, I have to work in 3 hours. Nights!
schedule
January 4, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Just read chapter 12 and have a few things I think need clarifying:
1) I don't think you meant to be incredibly racist in this chapter, but the implication is there that the Japanese are paedophiles. Yes, no doubt there are children who work as prostitutes in Japan, just as there are in England, America, etc. etc. But, by stating that MOST of them were under 12 implies that the Japanese are only intersted in children.
2) Some reserach is needed (clearly) as Leiwong is NOT a Japanese name.
3) Your beta is missing a few glaring errors - it is wrong to say "swear by Buddhist". "swear by Buddha" "swear by Buddism" are both fine. Perhaps your beta needs to be given more time to proof read? I understand the desire to update quickly, but some grammatical errors are in this story that make it very difficult to follow.
4) It's lovely that your beta is so enthusiastic, but leaving a review that implies "Leiwong" is interested in all children is frankly adding further offense.
5) You spotted that some of your comments were sexist, but didn't spot a huge slur against the Japanese? The fact that you had SEVERUS making this judgement made it worse - he is not an ignorant man!
1) I don't think you meant to be incredibly racist in this chapter, but the implication is there that the Japanese are paedophiles. Yes, no doubt there are children who work as prostitutes in Japan, just as there are in England, America, etc. etc. But, by stating that MOST of them were under 12 implies that the Japanese are only intersted in children.
2) Some reserach is needed (clearly) as Leiwong is NOT a Japanese name.
3) Your beta is missing a few glaring errors - it is wrong to say "swear by Buddhist". "swear by Buddha" "swear by Buddism" are both fine. Perhaps your beta needs to be given more time to proof read? I understand the desire to update quickly, but some grammatical errors are in this story that make it very difficult to follow.
4) It's lovely that your beta is so enthusiastic, but leaving a review that implies "Leiwong" is interested in all children is frankly adding further offense.
5) You spotted that some of your comments were sexist, but didn't spot a huge slur against the Japanese? The fact that you had SEVERUS making this judgement made it worse - he is not an ignorant man!
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January 4, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Good chapter.
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December 31, 2007 at 12:00 AM
good chapter.
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December 31, 2007 at 12:00 AM
good chapter.
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December 30, 2007 at 12:00 AM
i really really really really liked it! i cant wait to read more.. please update lots! don't torture us like this! especially since it's finished being written! i love the story.
one word of advice though.
I'd go back and delete the caps lock on certain words. i know you capitalize certain words to show us emphasis on Severus's tone but it really isn't necessary. it's just fanfiction but it makes the story look more unprofessional and annoying to certain readers. maybe its just me? but i'd prefer the chapters without caps lock unless its extremely necessary.
cant wait for more! much love-
one word of advice though.
I'd go back and delete the caps lock on certain words. i know you capitalize certain words to show us emphasis on Severus's tone but it really isn't necessary. it's just fanfiction but it makes the story look more unprofessional and annoying to certain readers. maybe its just me? but i'd prefer the chapters without caps lock unless its extremely necessary.
cant wait for more! much love-
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December 29, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I am so totally loving this story! You are an awesome writer, so tell my buddy to hurry up her beta-ing! lol! Or I'll tell her later! Good work, though! I love it! *stares at computer, waiting for next update*
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December 29, 2007 at 12:00 AM
update soon
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December 29, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Interesting story. Not quite sure how I feel yet. It's.....an interesting take. However, it's well written, got great moments (loved the Sev/Sirius banter). Will say this: you've got a fan and I'll continue reading. :)
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December 29, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Do you know what an 'incomplete' or 'fragmented' sentence is? Your story has an annoyingly large number of them. You may want to find a beta reader to help you with your grammar and sentence structure.