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January 11, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Awww! That was perfect!!!!
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December 29, 2007 at 12:00 AM
love it! u r great at the sappy romance.
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December 27, 2007 at 12:00 AM
This was wonderful! For it being your first M/M fic, you did great! Couldn't ask for a better christmas gift! Thanks Epona!
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December 25, 2007 at 12:00 AM
that was cute!
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December 25, 2007 at 12:00 AM
OK I really really liked it. I thought it was excellent, especially if this is your first try at slash? You asked to know where you could improve and I picked up on a few things that you could work on for next time. Please don't take this as a flame, it's only meant as constructive criticism.
1. I thought you could work a little on the dialog tags like the "Yes," Harry said kind of sections. I'm not saying they were all he said Name said kinds of things, I thought you used too many adjectives for it and it was a little jolty to read. Most of it was good though, but I read once somewhere, which does make sense, good dialog doesn't really need all that much tags, especially if it's only between two people.
2. Your characterization of Harry and Draco was a little off. They were too much in a set gender role, like Harry was the male while Draco was the female. Yes, it's OK to do this and have Draco very girly like, but I felt that the descriptions and things were a little too much like how a girl would react and not how a gay male would react. Just something to think about when you're writing, as placing the gender roles, how the couple actually functions is a big thing in writing a fic, it can completely change how you portray your character and the kinds of reactions they have, the kinds of things they say.
3. I didn't like having the thoughts in brackets, it was like they were an after though or something. If you're going to specifically separate the thoughts, I'd tend to put them in italics because it doesn't interrupt the flow of the story. On AFF, you need to use html tags, and for italics you put < i > text for italics < / i > but without the spaces.
Anyway, that's all I can really advise, otherwise it was a good read and very entertaining. I loved the idea behind it. Congrats on a good fic!
1. I thought you could work a little on the dialog tags like the "Yes," Harry said kind of sections. I'm not saying they were all he said Name said kinds of things, I thought you used too many adjectives for it and it was a little jolty to read. Most of it was good though, but I read once somewhere, which does make sense, good dialog doesn't really need all that much tags, especially if it's only between two people.
2. Your characterization of Harry and Draco was a little off. They were too much in a set gender role, like Harry was the male while Draco was the female. Yes, it's OK to do this and have Draco very girly like, but I felt that the descriptions and things were a little too much like how a girl would react and not how a gay male would react. Just something to think about when you're writing, as placing the gender roles, how the couple actually functions is a big thing in writing a fic, it can completely change how you portray your character and the kinds of reactions they have, the kinds of things they say.
3. I didn't like having the thoughts in brackets, it was like they were an after though or something. If you're going to specifically separate the thoughts, I'd tend to put them in italics because it doesn't interrupt the flow of the story. On AFF, you need to use html tags, and for italics you put < i > text for italics < / i > but without the spaces.
Anyway, that's all I can really advise, otherwise it was a good read and very entertaining. I loved the idea behind it. Congrats on a good fic!