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November 9, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I hope you will take this as the constructive criticism it is intended to be and not as a negative review. On the whole, I really am enjoying your story. I'd seen a lot of positive recs for this fic, and decided to give it a try. I'm on the second chapter, and while I am finding a lot that is very charming, there are two things that are driving me up the wall and taking my attention away from the fic.
1) Why does Donny constantly use the word "babe" instead of "baby?" Since "babe" is now far more often used of hotties (normally of the well-endowed female persuasion), or as a term of affection, rather than as a term designating young children, I'm finding this usage is jarring.
2) Wolf and Zane are second cousins. There is no removal in their relationship as they are the same generation. Draco and Nymphadora, as the children of siblings Narcissa and Andromada, respectively, are first cousins. Therefore, his children are her first cousins once removed, and her children are his first cousins once removed. The children's relationship to each other is that of second cousins. In twenty years or so, when Wolf has a daughter named Lupe and Zane has a son named Grey, Lupe will be Draco's first cousin, twice removed, Zane's second cousin, once removed and Grey's third cousin. Here's a link to a kinship chart dealing with degrees of kinship for legal purposes, which gives the titles of the relationships. Now, I am aware that there are regional differences in usages of such terms as "great aunt" and "grand aunt" but that's not the issue here. There's no dispute about the "once removed" terminology. http://www.mystatewill.com/degrees_of_kinship.htm
Again, this is meant as concrit, not as a dig at your story telling abilities. A Wonderful Caricature of Intimacy is an engaging fic.
1) Why does Donny constantly use the word "babe" instead of "baby?" Since "babe" is now far more often used of hotties (normally of the well-endowed female persuasion), or as a term of affection, rather than as a term designating young children, I'm finding this usage is jarring.
2) Wolf and Zane are second cousins. There is no removal in their relationship as they are the same generation. Draco and Nymphadora, as the children of siblings Narcissa and Andromada, respectively, are first cousins. Therefore, his children are her first cousins once removed, and her children are his first cousins once removed. The children's relationship to each other is that of second cousins. In twenty years or so, when Wolf has a daughter named Lupe and Zane has a son named Grey, Lupe will be Draco's first cousin, twice removed, Zane's second cousin, once removed and Grey's third cousin. Here's a link to a kinship chart dealing with degrees of kinship for legal purposes, which gives the titles of the relationships. Now, I am aware that there are regional differences in usages of such terms as "great aunt" and "grand aunt" but that's not the issue here. There's no dispute about the "once removed" terminology. http://www.mystatewill.com/degrees_of_kinship.htm
Again, this is meant as concrit, not as a dig at your story telling abilities. A Wonderful Caricature of Intimacy is an engaging fic.
schedule
September 7, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I want to thank you for giving me the privilege of reading such a fantastic story!
I love all of the new characters, and how you portrayed the old.
I would love to read more from you
All the best
Jen x
I love all of the new characters, and how you portrayed the old.
I would love to read more from you
All the best
Jen x
schedule
September 5, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Just finished this story!! And as I told you on LJ. I think its absolutely brilliant!
I just love how you portray them all!! Even Pansy lol.
Great stuff! Can't wait for the sequel about Zane!
Ithilwen aka Calairiel ;)
I just love how you portray them all!! Even Pansy lol.
Great stuff! Can't wait for the sequel about Zane!
Ithilwen aka Calairiel ;)
schedule
September 5, 2008 at 12:00 AM
aw man... i honestly did mean to, but i can not stop crying! its just such a great story, and it is amazing how zane grew up! i know i will re-read this whole thing over and over again.
I can't wait for the sequel!
I can't wait for the sequel!
schedule
September 4, 2008 at 12:00 AM
wow a sequel?really? nice, loved the chap btw
schedule
September 4, 2008 at 12:00 AM
What a superb story! You really did an excellent job. Congratulations!
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September 4, 2008 at 12:00 AM
love the end. made me feel bad for Pansy.
:D
:D
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September 4, 2008 at 12:00 AM
What a great story! Thank you so much for sharing it! I have to say that I still hate Pansy but, at least he's going to get to know her as an adult and that way he can make the decision as to whether or not he wants to have her in his life. Anyway, thanks again for sharing your story, I loved it!
schedule
September 3, 2008 at 12:00 AM
What a nice ending! I'm glad to see that Pansy has changed a bit. Can't wait for the sequel. :D
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September 3, 2008 at 12:00 AM
UM...
cliche...
the ending could have been a lot better if focused on hermione and draco instead of pansy and zane.
cliche...
the ending could have been a lot better if focused on hermione and draco instead of pansy and zane.