rate_review Reviews

I like the beginning of the story and I look forward to read more of it.

This is a promising start to an interesting premise. I hope that the rest won't be as dialogue-heavy as this, it will need more description rather than just what perople are saying.

I just have a bit to say on OO-ness. You could say that all fanfics are a little OOC, simply because it is done by someone else and the characters are in different situations than the original author ever had them in. But when people use that in a review, its mostly about the believability of the character. For instance,it irritates me when I see Snape made into some lovey-dovey, poetry-spouting sap when he's in love. No sarcasm, no Slytherin sneakiness, none of the traits that make Snape such an interesting character. It takes more work and skill from a writer to keep Severus Snape "in character", and yet still make it believable that he could soften up a bit when he falls in love. I hope you won't dismiss every honest criticism just because it claims one of your characters is "OOC". If you are a fan of a certain character (and if you weren't, then why write about them?) then you must have liked that character the way it was originally written.

If this story changes Hermione into a man-hungry twit who completely ignores all the other stuff we know she likes (books, academics, learning, school) and Snape is transformed into some love-sick puppy, then I won't want to read any more. It needs to be realistic that the character might actually act like that in such a situation. That would be too OOC for me, the characters would not be Hermione and Snape anymore, they would just be ridiculous. Some people might like that kind of thing, but I don't. I hope that's not the direction you are going with this, but if it is that's your business. We all like different things.

This is just my honest opinion, not a flame or anything. I think this story will be very interesting if it goes in the direction you seem to describe in the summary- where Snape isn't happy about being a "mate" to veela-Hermione, and Hermione has her own difficulties to deal with- the first one being Fleur Delacour! I think you are off to a good start and it will be interesting to see how both Snape and Hermione (and all the others around them) deal with the changes in their lives. So good luck to you, and keep writing!

If I end up not liking a story, I won't bother flaming, I will just read something else. My criticism tends to be more about the mechanics- grammar, spelling, punctuation, that type of thing. If I ever write a less than positive review, I try to make it as constructive as possible, so you won't have to deal with that from me.

Summing up this extremely long review- good start, looks interesting, keep it up! A little less dialogue, and don't dismiss every constructive review just because it mentions OOC-ness, it could be a valid and helpful suggestion.

that was an interesting chapter please write more...

Yeah I got the First Reciew cant wait for more

Well, that was an interesting beginning. Hermione got surprised enough to get whiny. I can't wait to see her interact with Fleur.

Hi chelleybelle,
I enjoyed the first chapter of your story very much.The plot is known but yet you have a different approach to it.I've read a lot of adoption stories where Hermione is of pureblood lining but the idea that her mother is a squip and her oncle a known death-eater is simply genious.
The fact that Fleur Delacourt will teach her everything she needs to know about Veelas makes me hope that there will be some humorous events coming.I cannot wait to read more.LOL Sureves Epans

I like it. Please update soon.

Now this storyline is certainly interesting. Can

OK, I'm prepared to give you some feedback which isn't about oocness or anything. I don't know much about Veela blood and I doubt anyone else does so you're prob on safe ground there canon-wise. My comments relate to two things. 1st is this: nearly your whole first chapter is dialogue. It feels very random, like there is no background to this dialogue. I know you give a little, and you may give a little more in future, but it's unusual to read a good story that is so dialogue intensive without the story to support it. The second thing relates to the first: why would anyone want to kill Hermione's mother that desperately if she were a squib? And what 'dark wizards'? It just doesn't feel plausible.

I guess the importance of my points raised only matter if the plot is essential to the story, that may not be the case. Ch 1 may just be a reason to have "veela-hermione" with "Sev-mate," and that's fine. I'm not trying to be uber-picky, but just wanted to pass on a view. It's not completely against the odds that Herm's parents could be magical (well, apart from canon, but still it's not totally out of bounds), it's just the way you've presented it.

gosh, there must be a reason I said all this??? I normally give concrits a miss, but I felt like I really wanted to because it's interesting, but I'd like it a little bit tighter :-))

Just a continuity thing: you wrote that Mrs. Granger's parents were dead then later on you wrote something about Hermione's grandfather still being alive. I think you meant her great grandfather.

Hermione certainly doesn't look Veela. Will this come out with her inheritance? I really can't see her with blond hair.

It will be interesting to see where you go with this.