Wow. This was really... bad. I don't know if you were trying for intentionally bad or not, but it was just..... nearly unbearable. The first few lines seemed promising, but after that. there seemed to be a total meltdown of writing. It's like the written version of poorly acted, overproduced porn.
It reads as though when you wrote it, you'd never actually experienced anything you wrote about. The sex scenes were skeletal, with the bare minimum, as though reading a quickly jotted porn script. The afterword with McGonagal was completely out of character, and no way in hell a virgin is going to take an ass pounding on the first go with no warning, lube, prep, and do anything other than say 'stop, ow, no'.
I know it's supposed to be fantasy, but the total lack of believability, wrongness of the character depictions, poor dialogue, and worse sex imagery make it cringe-worthy.
can you please put your stories on my site? the url is in my profile
great story man do some more :P
Tammy Kaiser