rate_review Reviews

great story! I love it!! I'm a little confused though, is hermione really really pretty? or really ugly? I couldn't figure it out...

Okay, I know it is not exactly the idea of reviewing someone else

There is a english rule that has helped me grandly in my developement as a writer. And is simply to "get rid of all unnecessary fluff." -to put it so eloquently. And in this story, I feel there is a need for that. While I love the ideas and plot to this story, it would be so much better if you let the reader a little freedom and room to think for themselves. Allow the reader to put the pieces of the puzzle together instead of you just laying it all out BOOM! in our face.
For instance, instead of saying "What?! Me shag you after I just met you..... etc etc..." say something like, "... She cocked her head to the side and gave him a look of great incredulity. 'You have lost your mind.'" (or a witty line that would be more a part of Hermione's character.)
And instead of making the personal thoughts all long and drawn out to the point where they are almost cliche, just something simple. Like instead of saying:'I knew she's be quick to fall just like the rest. It's so easy with these stupid girls, I wonder why I even thought this one would give some fight. No matter, I'll still get great pleasure in breaking her. Just hope she isn't another limp fish like that last girl.' Say: 'Pity. She is just like the rest. Stupid and easy.'
I am not trying to be a jerk, and it is just my oppinion. I know my advice was not asked for, and you may not want it, but I would rather someone leave me a comment that helped me grow as a author rather than "oh thats great!" and it not really be great, ya know? But anyways, I do like this story, and I will keep reading. Good luck,

Yours in Eloquence

Ok, I just read some of the other people's reviews and more chapters and all that... and now I feel like a jerk. I wasnt aware that english wasn't your first language. I still stand by what I said in my last comment, but depending upon how long you have been taking english, it may be a little too harsh? I'm not sure, but if I offended in anyway, I am deeply sorry.

Yours in Eloquence

Naughty Tom, yet so good! As i sit here munching on my kit kat, i am dreaming of Tom doing slightly similar things to me...oh i love being his Dark Lady ... Great chapter! x x

YES! YES!! YES!!! Me wanting cookie from Tom.. PLEASE!!! begs on all fours herself.

"A/N This chapter is for all those people that believe in Tom Riddle

Yay for smutness!!!! ;D
I think Mione is going to regret making that deal. Buttt oh lucky girl she gets to be with Tommy! XD
Can't wait for more chappys!

strange & mysterious beginning. one nit pick- in the 1940s, when Tom Riddle was head boy, no one was called 'Ms.' A student would have been called 'Miss,' just as JKR uses 'Miss' in the books that take place 50 years later.

In the 1940s, it would be 'Miss X' for an unmarried lady and 'Mrs. X' for a married lady, a VERY few ladies kept their maiden names and sometimes those went by Miss X,

The story is going great! Certainly there are mistakes, but nothing that can't be overlooked or corrected at a later time when you finally get a beta reader. Excellent writing and I do hope you update soon!

oh no! Hermione is going to spill out everything isn't she? Ahhh! Need to find out! Write soon!! :)