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November 11, 2007 at 12:00 AM
The plot is very good, and the chapters flow nicely into each other, as do the paragraphs. This fic has SO much potential, but isn't quite polished enough to be top class - yet - a bit of work and this will be 10/10.
The sentence structure is the main issue to keep an eye on; they have a tendency to be a bit short and choppy
For example, from the opening paragraph of chapter one: Hermione made her way from the Head Girl common room. She could hardly believe that she had to share the area with her most hated enemy. The full stop between 'room' and 'she' is too harsh a pause, you could easily replace that with other punctuation marks, a comma, dash or semicolon could easily be substituted. There are many other opportunities such as this to extend your sentences and be a bit more creative with grammar - there are lots of exciting punctuation marks out there! Use them to your writing's advantage!
Some words in speech or description could be stressed through the use of italics - don't put every word that could possibly have a different/stressed context into italics, but one or two would give the reader a better impression of what you are thinking as you write - and thus you'd enhance your description and conversations.
You need to keep an eye out for one of my pet hates of writing: Homophones. Homophones are words that sound the same, are spelt differently and have different meanings (for example: their, there, they're) Due to them being spelt correctly, a spellcheck on a computer won't pick them up. Keep a sharp eye out for them and just make a tiny edit to the correct word.
I would like to politely suggest you find a beta-reader for this fic to iron out the little creases in it - the errors in themselves are small, but over 31 chapters they add up and get a little annoying - especially the sentence structure. A beta reader would be able to give this the editing and polish it needs to SHINE and become a brilliant piece of fanfiction! In the summer months between my time at University, I myself am a beta reader - if I had the time now, I'd gladly take this from you for a few weeks and give it a once over with a fine-toothed-comb. I can see the HUGE potential this story has; work with a beta and it will meat and probably SURPASS the potential it is showing. Don't just ask a friend to do it for you (though, in that sense I am the ultimate hypocrite, as my housemate checks my fics once I've gone through them myself, but I'm usually pretty good at spotting my own errors, especially as I spend three months of a year spotting other peoples' - do as I say, not as I do - lol); advertise on here for one and see if anyone gets back to you.
You could do to add a little more description to the plot, the actions speak for themselves, but I think I am only able to 'see' the places and situations because I've read so much more Harry Potter fanfiction before yours and know what you're trying to put across. Don't think you're repeating what's already been done and assume a reader doesn't need to read a description of a room - everything has been described before you, but a reader will WANT to imagine YOUR take on a situation - plus it gives your story a beautiful scaffold of support.
Don't get me wrong, the plot is EXCELLENT and the twists and turns along the journey are simply marvelous ideas - you keep a reader on their toes! Your take on the characters isn't 100% stereotypical (another of my hates), but keeps them firmly in character.
I hope this fic will become the MASTERPIECE that it deserves to be... please get a beta and take this story from OK to EXTRAORDINARY!
The sentence structure is the main issue to keep an eye on; they have a tendency to be a bit short and choppy
For example, from the opening paragraph of chapter one: Hermione made her way from the Head Girl common room. She could hardly believe that she had to share the area with her most hated enemy. The full stop between 'room' and 'she' is too harsh a pause, you could easily replace that with other punctuation marks, a comma, dash or semicolon could easily be substituted. There are many other opportunities such as this to extend your sentences and be a bit more creative with grammar - there are lots of exciting punctuation marks out there! Use them to your writing's advantage!
Some words in speech or description could be stressed through the use of italics - don't put every word that could possibly have a different/stressed context into italics, but one or two would give the reader a better impression of what you are thinking as you write - and thus you'd enhance your description and conversations.
You need to keep an eye out for one of my pet hates of writing: Homophones. Homophones are words that sound the same, are spelt differently and have different meanings (for example: their, there, they're) Due to them being spelt correctly, a spellcheck on a computer won't pick them up. Keep a sharp eye out for them and just make a tiny edit to the correct word.
I would like to politely suggest you find a beta-reader for this fic to iron out the little creases in it - the errors in themselves are small, but over 31 chapters they add up and get a little annoying - especially the sentence structure. A beta reader would be able to give this the editing and polish it needs to SHINE and become a brilliant piece of fanfiction! In the summer months between my time at University, I myself am a beta reader - if I had the time now, I'd gladly take this from you for a few weeks and give it a once over with a fine-toothed-comb. I can see the HUGE potential this story has; work with a beta and it will meat and probably SURPASS the potential it is showing. Don't just ask a friend to do it for you (though, in that sense I am the ultimate hypocrite, as my housemate checks my fics once I've gone through them myself, but I'm usually pretty good at spotting my own errors, especially as I spend three months of a year spotting other peoples' - do as I say, not as I do - lol); advertise on here for one and see if anyone gets back to you.
You could do to add a little more description to the plot, the actions speak for themselves, but I think I am only able to 'see' the places and situations because I've read so much more Harry Potter fanfiction before yours and know what you're trying to put across. Don't think you're repeating what's already been done and assume a reader doesn't need to read a description of a room - everything has been described before you, but a reader will WANT to imagine YOUR take on a situation - plus it gives your story a beautiful scaffold of support.
Don't get me wrong, the plot is EXCELLENT and the twists and turns along the journey are simply marvelous ideas - you keep a reader on their toes! Your take on the characters isn't 100% stereotypical (another of my hates), but keeps them firmly in character.
I hope this fic will become the MASTERPIECE that it deserves to be... please get a beta and take this story from OK to EXTRAORDINARY!
schedule
November 9, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Yeah an update! I had to re-read a few chpaters to remember where we were. Poor Hermione, having to go through that crap! Great work. Hopefully she can get back to 'normal' with Draco.
schedule
October 21, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I jus want to ask you. Are you going to update or not? Cuz its been lik this for a long time and no new chapters man.
schedule
October 18, 2007 at 12:00 AM
its a fantastic fic with amazing twists and turns. But wen is nex cahp comin?
schedule
October 8, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Whoa! Poor Hermione. Yeah for Draco kicking Zabini's ass. More, more, more!!
schedule
October 8, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Great story so far. I was a little disappointed in Draco at first, but am glad to know that he is not completely heartless. Gross- Voldemort raping Hermione. I am so glad she is already pregnant so that he could not get her pregnant. Poor Hermione -- will happiness find her?
schedule
September 24, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Holy crap. I missed a few chapters, where the heck was I?
Okay, so, YEAH,they are now married and of course, that frickin' idiot Rita Skeeter had to go and ruin everything.
I was surprised that Lucius didn't divulge their plan in the howler making Hermione second guess what she had done.
Anyway, keep it up, can't wait to see another new chapter!!!
One stupid question... in the beginning Harry & Pansy were having a 'thing' but then the next chapter it was Ginny & Harry??
Okay, so, YEAH,they are now married and of course, that frickin' idiot Rita Skeeter had to go and ruin everything.
I was surprised that Lucius didn't divulge their plan in the howler making Hermione second guess what she had done.
Anyway, keep it up, can't wait to see another new chapter!!!
One stupid question... in the beginning Harry & Pansy were having a 'thing' but then the next chapter it was Ginny & Harry??
schedule
July 11, 2007 at 12:00 AM
OOh, tricky Dumbledore! Great story, I really like it.
schedule
July 10, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Wow, that was a good twist even though I love Draco and Hermione as a couple. And the episode with Ginny was very hot - well done! Hope Ginny and Harry together will be just as good. Please post soon.
schedule
July 10, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Wow, it started out all sappy and lovey-dovey only to turn dark and hurtful.
Very nice transition there.
Hot stuff with Hr/G/D!
Very nice transition there.
Hot stuff with Hr/G/D!