rate_review Reviews

Poor Harry, I was so feeling with him when Sev walked away. Hope you will updete soon. I already love this story.

I really like your story so far. It's very interesting.
Calling Snape William is something new and it sounds good.
Hope you will continue. Can't wait for another chapter.

good start.

good chapter.

What I wouldn't do to be in Harry's shoes right now!!!

good chapter.

good chapter.

Lovely work keep it up.

I love the premise of your story, and it is a fascinating tale. I am sure that your writing style with improve greatly as you continue to write. Please don't stop working on this story! Remember, practice makes perfect, and as I have said many times, it takes a lot of courage to allow other people to view the inner workings of one's imagination. I am thankful that you have allowed me to peek into it! Please update soon! I want to find out what happens next!

This is interesting so far, but there are some things I'm curious about. You've obviously made Snape's full name William Severus Snape, but why do you keep having Dumbledore call him William? This is just kind of bothersome in the story because even if you don't like the name Severus, to have him be the same person JKR wrote about, you're going to have to accept that his name (and the only name Dumbledore calls him) is Severus. I'm not trying to flame you or anything, but that just doesn't work in the story.

As for the plot, I think you need to watch how emotional you make your characters. Their emotions seem to very choppy at this point, and I don't think Severus is one to frequently go into screaming fits. He rants yes, and fumes, and scowls... but he doesn't scream that he wants thing such-and-such a way. Making him less pouty and more dark and scowling is much more true to character.

I really like the idea you have for this story and I hope you plan on continuing it. I think a good beta would be very beneficial and help you smooth out any kinks in your plot, grammar, etc.

Best of luck writing!