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June 30, 2008 at 12:00 AM
i love talk-back harry! update
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May 23, 2008 at 12:00 AM
on the whole this story is very good. the only problem i have is the misspelling of harry's fake name. if you wanted the name Miles Timor to mean Soldier of Doom then Timor should be Timoris.
i just had to say that. i'm a latin junky and when people have something wrong i go crazy.
i can't wait for the next chapter.
i just had to say that. i'm a latin junky and when people have something wrong i go crazy.
i can't wait for the next chapter.
schedule
May 22, 2008 at 12:00 AM
yay your back can't wait for the severus panthera to find out what really happens at the dursleys update soon
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May 22, 2008 at 12:00 AM
You have just received a new eager reader. I can't wait for your next update.
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May 21, 2008 at 12:00 AM
More please. This is really good so far. Poor Harry. Why is everyone so mean to him. McGonagall was being mean right there. Anyway, please update soon.
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May 20, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I rarely review because I simply get too caught up with other stuff, prefer to leave well enough alone or am, unfortunately, simply lazy. However, I am enjoying your story immensely and feel that these slight adjustments can only benefit the quality. You haven't rushed it and thus far, you haven't dragged anything out that should be dealt with a bit more quickly (you can email me if you want the full story on that comment). I don't know if you have a Beta. If not, I would suggest looking one up on: www.perfectimagination.co.uk. Please also realize, before you read further, that I'm not trying to come off as overly critical. I really am enjoying your story quite a bit! Anyway, here are the "issues" I wanted to bring up. If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to let me know. You can email me at faeryqueen07@gmail.com.
examples:
1) You tend to overstate matters. While you should definitely avoid assuming that we know certain things about the plot or maybe picked up on something that was only fleetingly foreshadowed, you don't need to map out every little detail. If Harry leaves the room, you don't have to say that Prf. Snape and Dumbledore set aside their tea and stood up to follow. Just say that they followed him into the other room. Your readers (if they have any sense whatsoever) should know that setting things down and standing up were steps taken before the rest could follow. And if they carried those teacups into the other room because they were to be a part of the upcoming scene, we will figure it out.
An example from your story:
"Hermione looked from Harry to Ron, and then back to Harry, before twisting her face into a scowl of concentration, as she pieced together everything that Ron had said that related to the way Harry acted, while eating automatically with a very much distracted manner." That just comes off as more wordy than necessary. Perhaps something more along the lines of: "Hermione scowled into her food as she analyzed everything she had just witnessed."
"Snape sat watching the three friends interact with each other, and couldn't believe that after the first few minutes in the kitchen, nothing more had been said about last night. Allowing his curiosity to gain the better of him, he broke into the conversation, although not in a kind way." "...he broke into the conversation with his usual snappish manner."
2) Keep track of your tenses, i.e. "Therefore he was not as surprised as he should be when he felt Snape kneel on the floor in front of him." It should read: "Therefore he was not as surprised as he should have been when he felt Snape kneel on the floor in front of him," / "Just as Snape was about to correct Harry's statement about nothing being wrong, Dobby freezed (this should be froze) Harry with a glare and did it for him."
3) Just fine-tune your grammatical errors. If you have Microsoft Word, this should be easy as it usually highlights any mistakes. I'd suggest MS Word 2007 as it shows you spelling red, grammatical in green and misuse of words in blue (i.e. 'too' instead of 'to' and 'then' instead of 'than'). If you don't have this, I would suggest finding a Beta who does.
4) Just make sure you don't overuse the sneer and smirk. After a while it loses its uniqueness, so to speak.
Other than that, I say keep up the good work!! (P.S. I've only gotten to chapter 3 in your story. For whatever reason the next page won't load properly. I'll try again later tonight.)
examples:
1) You tend to overstate matters. While you should definitely avoid assuming that we know certain things about the plot or maybe picked up on something that was only fleetingly foreshadowed, you don't need to map out every little detail. If Harry leaves the room, you don't have to say that Prf. Snape and Dumbledore set aside their tea and stood up to follow. Just say that they followed him into the other room. Your readers (if they have any sense whatsoever) should know that setting things down and standing up were steps taken before the rest could follow. And if they carried those teacups into the other room because they were to be a part of the upcoming scene, we will figure it out.
An example from your story:
"Hermione looked from Harry to Ron, and then back to Harry, before twisting her face into a scowl of concentration, as she pieced together everything that Ron had said that related to the way Harry acted, while eating automatically with a very much distracted manner." That just comes off as more wordy than necessary. Perhaps something more along the lines of: "Hermione scowled into her food as she analyzed everything she had just witnessed."
"Snape sat watching the three friends interact with each other, and couldn't believe that after the first few minutes in the kitchen, nothing more had been said about last night. Allowing his curiosity to gain the better of him, he broke into the conversation, although not in a kind way." "...he broke into the conversation with his usual snappish manner."
2) Keep track of your tenses, i.e. "Therefore he was not as surprised as he should be when he felt Snape kneel on the floor in front of him." It should read: "Therefore he was not as surprised as he should have been when he felt Snape kneel on the floor in front of him," / "Just as Snape was about to correct Harry's statement about nothing being wrong, Dobby freezed (this should be froze) Harry with a glare and did it for him."
3) Just fine-tune your grammatical errors. If you have Microsoft Word, this should be easy as it usually highlights any mistakes. I'd suggest MS Word 2007 as it shows you spelling red, grammatical in green and misuse of words in blue (i.e. 'too' instead of 'to' and 'then' instead of 'than'). If you don't have this, I would suggest finding a Beta who does.
4) Just make sure you don't overuse the sneer and smirk. After a while it loses its uniqueness, so to speak.
Other than that, I say keep up the good work!! (P.S. I've only gotten to chapter 3 in your story. For whatever reason the next page won't load properly. I'll try again later tonight.)
schedule
May 20, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I love it!! more please!
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May 19, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Hooray!! An update!!! And Snape tries to comfort him. I missed you!
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May 19, 2008 at 12:00 AM
ooh, burn. man, she stepped in it, they all did. oh, i can't wait to see what's gonna happen next.
schedule
October 15, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Cmon cmon cmon! Update update update! Please? :)