rate_review Reviews

Well if Tom is the 'bad guy' then the little couldn't have been taken by the death eaters. I can't wait to see. So when is Tom going to remember lillith? And when is he going to kill the pig?

You are fleshing out the story a lot more now and that is wonderful! It makes me want to keep reading to find out what's next...lovely! Keep up the good work!

I just know it running a lot more smoothly together. And it makes for a much better read!

I liked how you had it the first time,the almost instant recognition. I also like how you rewrote the story.

YES! Ok, that's what I'm talking about! Much better, we have background information, we have Lilith being pleasured over and over by her rapist and it was enjoyable! I am so proud of you, you have made this something that can reach leaps and bounds and I am so glad you have come back. Hope your trip went well! Can't wait for the updates.

I just read all of your chapters and like your story. Since you asked for suggestions, I think that Keith should have something truly awful happen to him. The poor woman surely doesn't need to be saddled with him for the rest of her life. She has someone else taking care of her now, so she won't need him to support her family anymore, he could be removed. I am torn as to whether I should suggest her being with Riddle. Even though you have explained his political views, and what Dumbledore did to him, he still is obviously a very feared man, so would she really be any better off with him? I am sure you already have ideas on what to do with that. I look forward to reading more and seeing what you do with the story.

Hello! I just wanted to give you a little advice. I hope that isn't out of line since you asked.

Ok here goes: The story has promise. Overall, I like the play on names and I also like how they seem to be two generations removed from the current Harry Potter universe. Approximatly I should say. The story is original and I hope to read more.
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Things I would like to see you improve on: You have a good grasp of what you want to write and that is evident by the continuty of the story. My biggest thing would be to tell you to slow down. There are times when you are flying through what you want to say and making conversation stinted and weak or avoiding descriptions because you have to much you want to say. For example, in the beginning of the story you start right away with Tom 'raping' Lilith. In my opnion, you should slow down the opening. Like I said it shows promise, you just have to either get a Beta reader or stop writing for a bit and come back to it. Grammatically, you should clean it up and little and maybe show more background information regarding the SLytherin/Tom Riddle joke that carried over so many years that people are hating him for.

There are some times when it is hard to tell where parts end and begin, you are lacking in segue between points in the story. I think the most important part of the story is the world you create for the reader. We know they are in London but you are leaving out critial elemtents that paint the largest picture for your audience. I know you can make this story superb! And I would like to read more :)

Awww Tom is so cute *pinch cheeks*
I so want to know what happens next, you evil writer you.Cutting the story at such time, i will be checking for the update everyday.

I hope you have fun in France. I really like this Tom Riddle, and his history of how he became Voldemort. Dumbledor isn't one of my favorite characters, so I think him and Keith should die horrible deaths. I eagerly wait for your next chapter.

Oh I love this story please please update soon,