Hi, still reading (up to chapter 13 and even skipped doing homework {stupid college}) I felt the need to make a note for you. We all agree that your story is good but the bocks of FLASHBACK/ ENDFLASHBACK really interrupt the flow of the story. If the information is important (and indeed, most of it is) keep it in the block of preceding text.
e.g.-
"...And then finally ;
3. Breastfeeding - But this class ended up being postponed as soon as Seamus asked whether the lads could give it a go, too.
As the class departed, Hermione was left feeling completely bewildered.
What had just happened?
They did some breathing exercises...and Malfoy was getting praised for Helping Hermione by 'showing' her how to do it!
AND THEN McGonagall showed the boys how to give the girls a simple, yet effective massage to help calm them down during their labor....
Hermione could still remember it;
F L A S H B A C K
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
'Now, just lean back into your Partners chest, and let him put his hands gently onto your shoulders-'
'-OUCH!' Pansy shouted again. 'Longbottom, I SWEAR I am going to throttle your windpipes in a minute!'..."
Could be-
"...And then finally;
3. Breastfeeding - But this class ended up being postponed as soon as Seamus asked whether the lads could give it a go, too.
'Now, just lean back into your Partners chest, and let him put his hands gently onto your shoulders-'
'-OUCH!' Pansy shouted again. 'Longbottom, I SWEAR I am going to throttle your windpipes in a minute!'..."
.
.
.
As the class departed, Hermione was left feeling completely bewildered.
What had just happened?
They did some breathing exercises...and Malfoy was getting praised for Helping Hermione by 'showing' her how to do it!
AND THEN McGonagall showed the boys how to give the girls a simple, yet effective massage to help calm them down during their labor...."
(apart from butchering your masterful text) easier to read right? Too many flashback can make your readers wonder why we aren't just reading it first hand if the action just happened a moment ago (Flash back can also make on wonder why so many drugs were consumed. This isn't the 60's, 70's or 80's ^_-).
You also need to punctuate your dialog.
You are probably tired of long reviews. Sorry ^_^. I hope I helped some ^^;
-Talia
e.g.-
"...And then finally ;
3. Breastfeeding - But this class ended up being postponed as soon as
Seamus asked whether the lads could give it a go, too.
As the class departed, Hermione was left feeling completely bewildered.
What had just happened?
They did some breathing exercises...and Malfoy was getting praised for
Helping Hermione by 'showing' her how to do it!
AND THEN McGonagall showed the boys how to give the girls a simple, yet
effective massage to help calm them down during their labor....
Hermione could still remember it;
F L A S H B A C K
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
'Now, just lean back into your Partners chest, and let him put his hands
gently onto your shoulders-'
'-OUCH!' Pansy shouted again. 'Longbottom, I SWEAR I am going to throttle
your windpipes in a minute!'..."
Could be-
"...And then finally;
3. Breastfeeding - But this class ended up being postponed as soon as
Seamus asked whether the lads could give it a go, too.
'Now, just lean back into your Partners chest, and let him put his hands
gently onto your shoulders-'
'-OUCH!' Pansy shouted again. 'Longbottom, I SWEAR I am going to throttle
your windpipes in a minute!'..."
.
.
.
As the class departed, Hermione was left feeling completely bewildered.
What had just happened?
They did some breathing exercises...and Malfoy was getting praised for
Helping Hermione by 'showing' her how to do it!
AND THEN McGonagall showed the boys how to give the girls a simple, yet
effective massage to help calm them down during their labor...."
(apart from butchering your masterful text) easier to read right? Too meny flashback can make your readers wonder why we aren't just reading it first hand if the action just happened a moment ago (Flash back can also make on wonder why so meny drugs were consumed. This isn't the 60's, 70's or 80's ^_-).
You also need to punctuate your dialog.
You are probably tired of long reviews. Sorry ^_^.
-Talia
Cal
xx
I wanted you to know that this story is amazing.
Absolutely.amazing.
I've been sick lately, so i've been able to read it in (almost) one shot...
And I'm absolutely in love. I love the fact that you're taking the time for Draco an Hermione to fall in love, instead of simply lust...
It's greatt.
I send my bestest wishes to your stepmother...hopefully everything goes alright. :)
Can't wait for your next update!!
--Tina
ok I know I don't review reay often but I'm french and i'm having a " shy wrtiting in english" kind of isue so...
But you not posting on regular basis anymore is driving me nuts!
I can't take it any more so...
If you care about your readers' sanity please please give me someting to read!
Thank you
Sheryne
I'm really looking forward to the rest of the story!
Keep up the marvelous work!
~Erin