errorYou must be logged in to review this story.
schedule
March 12, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Wow.. that was a sad one, but a very good one.... It brings tears to my eyes as i read it, and i'm going to read it again...
schedule
November 30, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Don't worry about the bad reviews, your story is good and does not at all deserve these reviews.
I really like the plot for this story, it is very touching and very original, nice work! But I would have liked you to go a bit more in depth with details, which would have made the story a bit longer and which would have made it more catching to the reader. It seems a little bit rushed.
It is good to have a full plot for the story, and to know where you're going with it, but don't forget to dwell on the moment here and now and to go into depth with how Ron is feeling or with the events that happened. A beta-reader might be able to help you with that.
Good luck with your future writing!
I really like the plot for this story, it is very touching and very original, nice work! But I would have liked you to go a bit more in depth with details, which would have made the story a bit longer and which would have made it more catching to the reader. It seems a little bit rushed.
It is good to have a full plot for the story, and to know where you're going with it, but don't forget to dwell on the moment here and now and to go into depth with how Ron is feeling or with the events that happened. A beta-reader might be able to help you with that.
Good luck with your future writing!
schedule
November 30, 2006 at 12:00 AM
This was extremely sad! I've read one like this before, both are so touching.
schedule
November 30, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Okay, you have had the immense flamer. (Thanks, Shit boy, no story would be complete without your bullshit.) Don't worry, he is about as unoriginal as the 6,000 Toyota Camry to come off the line in a day.
But what I have to say is this:
This is a lovely story. It has great potential. Hoever, you need to really work on grammer and punctuation. You have far too many fragments in this story. Also, I think this can be expanded quite a bit, so that you can include the actual feelings that Ron has, rather than the just suggesting that he has feelings through his words.
The one thing that I think you have to change, no matter what is this - Ron being Harry with Polyjuice. I get it, I do, but without the balancing out of a healthy love life between Ron and Hermione? That is just plain creepy. And gross. And it makes it feel like she is only with him because she is too weak to be alone. We all know Hermione isn't that.
Take it back, work on it. It is a lovely first draft, but it is just that, a first draft. Nice try, but polish it up.
But what I have to say is this:
This is a lovely story. It has great potential. Hoever, you need to really work on grammer and punctuation. You have far too many fragments in this story. Also, I think this can be expanded quite a bit, so that you can include the actual feelings that Ron has, rather than the just suggesting that he has feelings through his words.
The one thing that I think you have to change, no matter what is this - Ron being Harry with Polyjuice. I get it, I do, but without the balancing out of a healthy love life between Ron and Hermione? That is just plain creepy. And gross. And it makes it feel like she is only with him because she is too weak to be alone. We all know Hermione isn't that.
Take it back, work on it. It is a lovely first draft, but it is just that, a first draft. Nice try, but polish it up.
schedule
November 30, 2006 at 12:00 AM
ROFL. This is one of the worst stories I've ever read on this site. I'm laughing my arse off. Great joke, buddy!
schedule
November 30, 2006 at 12:00 AM
This story sucks!
schedule
November 29, 2006 at 12:00 AM
I for one love this story. It is quite sad, but that's what I like about it. I like how you choose to tell Harry and Hermione's story through Ron. One the one side you had already this heartbreaking part about Harry dieing young and it even intensify because of Ron's unfulfilled wish that Hermione would love him. I really love the concept. As a suggestion: it may have been even more intense if you had extended the part of Hermione dieing and also included more of Ron
schedule
November 29, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Sorry, but for this one I can't be nice. It's totally superfluous. What do you want to tell us with this "masterpiece". This is just a piece of junk. Please be nice and delete this crap. Thanks in advance!
schedule
November 29, 2006 at 12:00 AM
> AN/ please be kind my first fict :) Reviews are always nice though
And I hope it's your last. This was awful.
And I hope it's your last. This was awful.