schedule
November 19, 2006 at 12:00 AM
As with the other reviews, I agree that this story has a promising potential. However, the plot and ideas don't seem really thought out. The POVs are all confusing, and what happens in the story is also unclear. If you develop the little things, such as why Hermione's doing what she's doing and explain her relationships with the others, along with where and when she actually become interested in Tom, then this story will have a huge impact. I believe a beta would help you there, as there are a few misspelled words here and there. Please don't take this the wrong way, because I really enjoyed this fic. I just know that it can be so much better. =] Good luck!
schedule
November 17, 2006 at 12:00 AM
I've read all the chapters, and I have to say that this story really has a potential. Anyway, you should follow the advice Koppe has given to you, because there are some things that aren't that clear in ths fic. And I think that, if you do as you have been suggested to, your work will be brilliant.
I know you might be annoyed by people saying you how to write your story, it's just that I think that some constructive criticism would help.
And don't mind people who flame, they are simply so ignorant to not be able to give advice to the others, acting like brainy people when they are all but that.
So, keep writing, and make of this story the great piece of work it could be if you paied much attention to the way you develop the plot.
I know you might be annoyed by people saying you how to write your story, it's just that I think that some constructive criticism would help.
And don't mind people who flame, they are simply so ignorant to not be able to give advice to the others, acting like brainy people when they are all but that.
So, keep writing, and make of this story the great piece of work it could be if you paied much attention to the way you develop the plot.
schedule
November 13, 2006 at 12:00 AM
The story and plot have great potential.
I would however like a bit more background about Hermione's decent into darkness, and her friends abandoning her (I thought it went awfully fast): When and how did she start becomming interested in the Dark Arts; when did she fall in love with Voldemort (when did he fall for her); when did she start hanging around Slytherins... how did they welcome her; when did her friends start to drift apart. Hopefully that would answers questions about how she was still being confided with about the orders plans (admittedly, hunting horcruxes is a rather long-term endevour). I would expect the crumbling of the Trio's friendship to be more drawn out.
I did find the jumping between POV -- especially since even they weren't always consistant all the time (wrong pronoun).
The story is OK now, but would be better if you chose one POV and stuck with it. It could be truly great if slowed it down and expanded it some... how did little-miss-Gryffindor-know-it-all decend into the dark arts? how did she fall for a monster? how did Voldemort fall for a mudblood? how could her friends let her decend so far into darkness?
Keep up the good work,
-Koppe
I would however like a bit more background about Hermione's decent into darkness, and her friends abandoning her (I thought it went awfully fast): When and how did she start becomming interested in the Dark Arts; when did she fall in love with Voldemort (when did he fall for her); when did she start hanging around Slytherins... how did they welcome her; when did her friends start to drift apart. Hopefully that would answers questions about how she was still being confided with about the orders plans (admittedly, hunting horcruxes is a rather long-term endevour). I would expect the crumbling of the Trio's friendship to be more drawn out.
I did find the jumping between POV -- especially since even they weren't always consistant all the time (wrong pronoun).
The story is OK now, but would be better if you chose one POV and stuck with it. It could be truly great if slowed it down and expanded it some... how did little-miss-Gryffindor-know-it-all decend into the dark arts? how did she fall for a monster? how did Voldemort fall for a mudblood? how could her friends let her decend so far into darkness?
Keep up the good work,
-Koppe
schedule
November 12, 2006 at 12:00 AM
i really really like your story .. please update soon i would love to read more ...later for now
angel
angel
schedule
November 12, 2006 at 12:00 AM
@7 awesome story there aren't enough voldemort and hermione stories!! I love this story!!!! Update soon
schedule
November 12, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Good story, keep it up. Oh, and keep the chapters comeing.
schedule
November 11, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Ok; I'm kinda confused. What's with the 'you'? Like you said or you walked? Isn't this about Hermione? If it's in her P.O.V, shouldn't it be 'I said' or 'I walked'? Why and what's with the 'You'? Lucious isn't spelt like that by the way; it's spelt as 'Lucius'
schedule
November 10, 2006 at 12:00 AM
If you don't want to flamed I suggest you stop writing such utter crap. I read all 7 chapters and they all were badly written. If more than one person tells you that it's really bad-- maybe you should listen and stop posting,
schedule
November 10, 2006 at 12:00 AM
The majority of stories on AFF are ooc, so Hermione siding with LV is no shock.
The constant changes in POV's was irritating to say the least. I much prefer a story to flow rather than snippets of different views.
And the dialogue was a little wooden.
The constant changes in POV's was irritating to say the least. I much prefer a story to flow rather than snippets of different views.
And the dialogue was a little wooden.
schedule
November 10, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Interesting idea. I have read all 7 chapters and I think that you would benifit from having someone beta read for you. The way that you jump around from different peoples points of view disrupts the flow of the story and you seem to have some trouble working out your you's and I's which makes your work very hard to read.