rate_review Reviews

I love this story

First off i'd like to say that if you can't take critism then you don't need to be writing because your writing is absolutly deplorable. Your whole structure of the story is confusing and too fast. Slow it down, write from one POV (Hermione's), and get a beta. Other then that you have a great idea for a plot.(Maybe you should think about making challenges for other writers... hint hint)

I really like this story. You have a good plotline and it's moving at a good pace. The only complaint that I have is the way you write the POV's. They should be written in the first-person (I.E. I saw a cat.) not in the second person (I.E. You saw a cat.)

Well, I was planning on just writing a review of your first paragraph. But then you wrote your little disclaimer, and so I'm tempted to start a review of the whole freaking chapter.

First of all, it's really poor taste to include paragraph headings saying things like "Mysterious Narrator" or "First Person Narrator." A truly good story teller will be able to tell a story without such auto-reflexivity.

First Paragraph:

You need to capitalize the word "Slytherin," since it's a proper noun. And you should decide whether you mean to say "some Slytherins" or "a Slytherin."

After interjections like "well," it is conventional to include a comma.

The group of words that begins "Well now the other side has me" is a so-called "run-on sentence." It would not be inappropriate for you to end the sentence with "I belonged there." Then you could start a new sentence with "Now he has me." But then you'll need to start another sentence when you get to "he will hate me." And I know you're trying to be vague and "mysterious" with your pronouns, but it's really confusing because the reader doesn't know whether you're talking about Tom or Harry.

The plural noun "others" does not need an apostrophe, since you are not trying to indicate possession.

I'm really trying to convince myself that it would be pointless for me to mention that ending a sentence with a preposition is generally frowned upon in educated literature. Yes, this is a smut site, but grammar still exists.

Again, a good writer doesn't need to use stage directions in between asterices to indicate a change in setting.

Second paragraph:

I think you meant to say "when I WAS close enough..."

"Who" is a singular pronoun in the first sentence, so you need to use a singular verb. Or you can use the plural conjugation and change the subject of that claus to "the people that were speaking."

If you can possibly avoid it, you should really avoid referring to your characters as "person 1." If you absolutely must refer to them "anonymously," then say "the first person." But saying "1st person" or "2nd person" is just as tacky as saying "person 1" or "person B."

Use commas within your dialogue quotations as needed. For example, the first person's dialogue quotation should end with, "'...I don

I have read all 8 chap. and I LOVED each one of them. I'm a SS/HG type of preson but I wanted something diffrent. Please update soon.

This is not a bad story. A bit hard to follow but the idea is quite good. I do hope you ignore the mean reviews and keep posting.

Really i will jus say it.
Can i be ur beta?
u really need one.
The POV r very badly done.
but u did try and thats worth every thing.
so email me and i will see wat i can do for u.

Okay. I'm a fan of Hermione stories. And this one has the potentional to be a good one. I feel compelled to tell you that the use of the english language is not high on your list of priorities. Your use of tenses and point-of-views is very interesting, but you need to work on the grammer aspect of it. If it from a pov then they speak in the first person. Example.. "You

For the love of God stop writing this shit. How fucking old are you? My three year old nephew could write better than this.

This is possibly one of the worst pieces of shit I have ever had the misfortune to stumble upon. You should definitely use a beta reader. Not that they'd be able to do much with this... "story." This pairing has such potential, but this, really, is utter crap.

Oh, by the way, if you don't want negative reviews, then you really shouldn't post it on the internet. Really. Don't. If you want to grow as a writer, then you should revel in criticism, not shun it. And you definitely have a lot to improve upon.

Some suggestions:
- no point of view shifts. Stick with one person [Hermione]. If you want to convey other perspectives, then I'd recommend the third person omniscient.
- spell your character's names correctly: it's Lucius.
- you need some sort of motivation/reasoning behind your character's actions. As it is now, nothing makes sense. Why does Hermione fall into the Dark Arts, reject her friends, etc. Just because it's fanfiction doesn't mean it doesn't have to make at least some sort of sense.
- Pay more attention in your English/Grammar class. Please.

I will, at least, give you props for trying.