rate_review Reviews

couldn't finish the first chapter because of the writing..switching mid paragraph to first and third person..annoying!

This story has a lot of potential but right now it's very choppy. The choppiness is probably because of all the second person (yous). If you make the mysterious POV third person and fix the character POV into 1st person you could have a really good story. I like the subject and tags and the type of stuff you have written isn't bad. You just need to work on the formatting, and such. Maybe start with a scene about the dreams. They seem to come out of nowhere and are confusing. All in all you have a lot of potential.I know you haven't updated since 2007 put if you were going to, you have the potential for an amazing story.

ok... first off - the name is LUCIUS. its not hard to google if you arent sure of the spelling. a manor is a large residence. a manner is a trait or behavior of a person. then.. your story is incoherent. one second you are speaking in first person perspective using 'I did x'.. then you switch to using 'You did x' while still apparently speaking about the same person.. then you switch to an eye of god perspective suddenly for no apparent reason and then back to the I's and You's. its not just that your plot isnt plausibly sold (and its not. not one single character behaves as that character is conceived of in canon. not ONE.) but they are also internally inconsistent - e.g. apparently hermione is more powerful than the dark lord yet she is incapacitated by potter and weasely, who she herself considers incompetent and who are each seperately and together certainly less powerful than voldemort. uh.. what?
and also - hermione goes to see the dark lord in a freaking tube top and silver mini skirt - not only is that terrible fashion sense but.. um.. WHAT?? hermione isnt lavender brown and probably even lavender brown wouldnt wander about in that getup.
sigh.. there arent enough LV/HG stories so its hard not to force myself to keep reading this anyway but i know if i do its just going to irritate the crap out of me more as i continue.

loved it!!!!

This is a good story. It confuses me on some parts because one sentence you will be using third person point of view, then the next you use 1st person, and then a few words down you start using the word you. I do like this story and im not flaming or anything, im just advising that maybe you should start trying to keep to the same point of view unless otherwise stated. But again i do like the story so far

I like the concept of your story; however, the shifting second person point of view makes it awkward and hard to follow. You might want to consider keeping it in an omnicscient third person, so that shifts can happen smoothly for the reader. I know that criticism is hard to take but that is how we grow as authors, and if something is hard to read, people won't read it. I hope you'll revise so that we readers can enjoy this story.

more please.

This is an excellent story. I hope that there is more to come. Please update soon.

I really like this story alot. Can you please write some more chapters?

YIKES