rate_review Reviews

this would have made a great series if you had ever bothered to update it. It actually looked like it had depth to it and it was also well written.

I like this idea and would love to see more! When is an update coming?

oh my god i luv the story please please please update soon!!!!!!!!

so far so good. Please update soon!

I hope to read more soon. This is the darkest response I've seen for this challenge.

like it so far cant wait to read more

Overall, this is promising. There are a couple of things that jumped out at me as off-kilter, though. The first is that your sentences seem a bit stilted at times and you repeat things when you don't need to. For example, Hermione put the ring in her pocket to dry it off, then she tells Harry she wanted to dry it off. Another is the **flashback** warning. This is better presented with italics or by using a good segue into the flashback. Use narrative but never put up warning signs because this breaks the reader out of the magic of your story. The reader wants to believe they are truly there with Hermione, and *FLASHBACK* really is a jolt to the senses. Finally, the scene where Hermione wakes up in a different time was handled very poorly. Hermione wakes up hearing strange voices. She opens her eyes and is surrounded by unfamiliar students. What does she do? She says, "Hi, I'm new." What? Wouldn't you be utterly terrified to find yourself surrounded by people you don't know and in a place that is familiar yet unfamiliar? I'd imagine Hermione waking to say, "Where am I? Who are you?" After all, when she went to bed she was secure and knew where she was, and expected to wake in the same place and time. The students in her room would be the ones she'd expect to explain themselves. Hermione also asks, "What's the date?" Why on earth would she ask this? You've not given us any kind of hint that she knows she's been moved through time, so there's just no logical reason to have her ask these strangers what the date is. Would you go to sleep in your own bed and upon waking find yourself surrounded by new people and just blurt out, "What's the date?" What difference would the date make to you at that point? How about, "Where am I? What's going on? Who are you?" Your author's note at the bottom mentioned that this second chapter was longer than the first. Don't worry too much about length, think about the quality of the story you're telling and where it's going. The story will flow and you won't need to concentrate on word count. When you get on a roll, things will just come to you. The prophesy at the end was nice, and is nice foreshadowing. I hope you continue but perhaps tweak your first two chapters a little bit and put yourself in the characters' shoes a bit more so you can really feel what they're feeling. Your story will come over more authentic if you can empathize with your characters.

wow i love it and i like how you word the prophecy .. please please please please please please please please please please please please update soon i would love to read more ... later for now

angel

Intereting. I like it and hope you update soon. Poor Hermione lost her parents and is being abused by her uncle. Poor girl it's a wonder she's even functioning at school or that any of her teachers haven't noticed a change in her yet. too soon I guess. More more more please. Update soon please.

wow that was a great start ....please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please update soon i would love to read more ... later for now

angel