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schedule
October 31, 2006 at 12:00 AM
OMG!!!!! So f***ing amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
schedule
October 31, 2006 at 12:00 AM
very good so far, I hope you continue.
and heres a little prezzy for the story.
http://ser8.imgdump.net/images/10312006/s8_22ba550859d3f6f.jpg
and heres a little prezzy for the story.
http://ser8.imgdump.net/images/10312006/s8_22ba550859d3f6f.jpg
schedule
October 31, 2006 at 12:00 AM
please don't take my critisism badly, i'm simply going to point out things that you can improve upon. It takes time and other peoples imput to become a great writer...use the "bad" reviews or the "flames" to help you improve your writing.
One thing you have done in this story is repeat yourself, there is no need for you to spell out snape thinking "i'm sure the man raped harry this morning and he's sore" three times..I know you didn't say it exactly like that and each time you said it diffrently..but its still very redundant.
Try reading your story aloud to yourself it may help you notice mistakes.
One thing you have done in this story is repeat yourself, there is no need for you to spell out snape thinking "i'm sure the man raped harry this morning and he's sore" three times..I know you didn't say it exactly like that and each time you said it diffrently..but its still very redundant.
Try reading your story aloud to yourself it may help you notice mistakes.
schedule
October 31, 2006 at 12:00 AM
This is really good^.^. I hope you continue!
schedule
October 31, 2006 at 12:00 AM
I would really like to see where this story goes, please keep updating :)
schedule
October 31, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Ok, you need to work on the dialog some. It seemd really forced, really nothing in it showed your characters personalities. You need to make it clearer that Snape is there alone, i didn't realize he was until he said "dumbledore would not mind him spending the money" or something similar to that. Work more on showing your characters personalities through the way they speak and thier mannerisms.. Copy and paste this link http://archive.skyehawke.com/story.php?no=7335&chapter=1&font=&size=
and go there. It is another fanfic site and that is something a writer wrote to help other writers.
and go there. It is another fanfic site and that is something a writer wrote to help other writers.
schedule
October 31, 2006 at 12:00 AM
You're using a concept used many times before, not a bad thing in itself but you also carry it out... badly. You need to work on your writing skills and grammar. You shift POW in the story something terribly, not just from one person to another but from third person to first person POW.
Try to put yourself in the reader's position when you write. A reader cannot see what is going on in your head, you have to describe it, everyithing (don't overdo it, though) smells, sounds, views. Everything needs to be there, or at least implied. Else, the story will be mostly dialogue and it'll be like reading the manuscript of a play or movie. And remember, most readers are stupid so you really have to spell everything out to them. Views and sounds also makes the mood, pathetic fallacy and all that, adn that is what makes a story come alive.
Please don't take this in a bad way, I only mean to help you become a better writer, and being one myself I know what traps it is easy to walk into. And please continue writing.
Try to put yourself in the reader's position when you write. A reader cannot see what is going on in your head, you have to describe it, everyithing (don't overdo it, though) smells, sounds, views. Everything needs to be there, or at least implied. Else, the story will be mostly dialogue and it'll be like reading the manuscript of a play or movie. And remember, most readers are stupid so you really have to spell everything out to them. Views and sounds also makes the mood, pathetic fallacy and all that, adn that is what makes a story come alive.
Please don't take this in a bad way, I only mean to help you become a better writer, and being one myself I know what traps it is easy to walk into. And please continue writing.