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February 9, 2010 at 12:00 AM
I do hope Severus mate with Jareth.
I love it. Please say your going to contue this!
I love it. Please say your going to contue this!
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December 22, 2007 at 12:00 AM
This is shaping into a nice and rather original story, but spoiled a little for me in places by a few simple mistakes which jolt me back out of your narrative and therefore disrupt the impression that you are so obviously working to build.
Presents/presence: 'presents' are either something giftwrapped that are given to someone. The word can also denote a formal introduction, for example: in the statement 'Disney Pictures presents Snow White and the Seven Dwarves'. However, on each occasion you have used it, you are actually talking about the impact of someone's personality, i.e. their presence.
There are several grammatical errors in your writing, the most common of which is that you appear to change tense within a single sentence. Decide for yourself whether something has happened, is happening, or is about to happen and then stick to writing it from that perspective. This particular problem happens wherever you miss off the correct endings:
"he need to contact Hoggle" ... should be written: 'he needed to contact Hoggle'. I can't actually think of any occasion in which 'he need' would be correct English.
"caught it with a bewilder look on his face" ... should read 'bewildered'.
"unaware that he was being watch or". A watch is something you wear so that you can tell the time - Severus being watched is what is happening here. That little 'ed' is crucial if you don't want half your audience tutting away to themselves instead of getting onto the next sentence.
Your writing is good, in that the ideas are excellent, however your structuring lets you down in places "if he hadn
Presents/presence: 'presents' are either something giftwrapped that are given to someone. The word can also denote a formal introduction, for example: in the statement 'Disney Pictures presents Snow White and the Seven Dwarves'. However, on each occasion you have used it, you are actually talking about the impact of someone's personality, i.e. their presence.
There are several grammatical errors in your writing, the most common of which is that you appear to change tense within a single sentence. Decide for yourself whether something has happened, is happening, or is about to happen and then stick to writing it from that perspective. This particular problem happens wherever you miss off the correct endings:
"he need to contact Hoggle" ... should be written: 'he needed to contact Hoggle'. I can't actually think of any occasion in which 'he need' would be correct English.
"caught it with a bewilder look on his face" ... should read 'bewildered'.
"unaware that he was being watch or". A watch is something you wear so that you can tell the time - Severus being watched is what is happening here. That little 'ed' is crucial if you don't want half your audience tutting away to themselves instead of getting onto the next sentence.
Your writing is good, in that the ideas are excellent, however your structuring lets you down in places "if he hadn
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May 6, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Love this story! Please update soon. Um... and I'd love to see the marauders find out about Sev being a fae (and even see him dressed up and pretty), before being sent back to Hogwarts.
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January 4, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Wow, just found this and you've definitely caught my interest; not familiar w/Labrynth (sp?) but loving the fic so far that the 6 chapters I just read flew by; if you're still considering what to do w/the mauraders, I'd just let wizards deal w/them; can't wait for more:-)
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January 4, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Poor Jareth just can't have anything easily can he? Well done with this fic so far, I look forward to the next chapter! xxx
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January 3, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I like this story ^_^
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January 3, 2007 at 12:00 AM
i love your crossover into Labrynth (awesome movie!) and your severus is too cute or should i say pretty kitty lol:) thanks for sharing
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January 3, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Keep updating!
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November 15, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Update, update, update. What is taking so long? Love this story, can't wait to see you happens next.
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October 29, 2006 at 12:00 AM
i love your story, it combines two of my fav. movies, and characters. PLEASE CONTINUE, i need more snape/jareth loving.lol.