schedule
September 11, 2006 at 12:00 AM
man ..poor molly .. please please please please update soon i would love to read what is going to happen next .. later for now
angel
angel
schedule
September 8, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Good concept, poor execution. Everything is too convenient. There is no real challenge to discovering the information. There is a lack of emotion and motivation. Characters react in ways without any explaination. Hermione screams when Snape is tortured, but then angry and bitter about the rape. Is she defending him? Or is she angry? Because we, the readers, lack the insight into her emotions, this is a problem. It's confusing.
"in love" does not need a hypen. There are several mixed up words, homophones, or words close enough to be homophones, and either extra or missing commas.
The action is great, the plot really moves along, but we lose the story because it is incredulous. Because we lack the motivation or the back story, we cannot give credit to the story.
Severus just happens to have the cup with him, the locket just happens to be somewhere convenient, they just happen to know a spell that will bring down Voldemort. It's too neat. Too clean. We don't see Dumbledore agonizing over finding a spell, or a real explaination of why and how Severus took the cup. Yes, it says that he took it to prove his loyalty, but that is a piece of Voldemort's soul, Ol' Voldy is going to be a biut more protective of it, don't you think?
Also, going back to lacking motivation, Severus just agrees to be bound to Granger? No struggling to be free of any master, no freewill? One minute the unnamed wizard is torturing Sev, and the next minute everything is hunky dorey?
It's too simplistic.
My advice: go back, fill in the gaps. Give someone an internal monologue, have a bit of angst. Make them spend hours in the library searching through books. Make it a little hopeless. We all want them to win; we all want them to succeed, but life isn't full of easy answers. It needs a little reality, a little despair, a little suspense. The character's need depth that they are lacking right now.
You have a wonderful idea. But right now, it is a skeleton. We need a little flesh, a little blood. It's and amazng plot line, and i story i would like to see pursued. But it needs work.
I am not bashing you. I am giving my honest opinion in hopes that you will be able to use this as constructive criticism. I don't hate you, and I rather like your story. That is my advice.
KaS
"in love" does not need a hypen. There are several mixed up words, homophones, or words close enough to be homophones, and either extra or missing commas.
The action is great, the plot really moves along, but we lose the story because it is incredulous. Because we lack the motivation or the back story, we cannot give credit to the story.
Severus just happens to have the cup with him, the locket just happens to be somewhere convenient, they just happen to know a spell that will bring down Voldemort. It's too neat. Too clean. We don't see Dumbledore agonizing over finding a spell, or a real explaination of why and how Severus took the cup. Yes, it says that he took it to prove his loyalty, but that is a piece of Voldemort's soul, Ol' Voldy is going to be a biut more protective of it, don't you think?
Also, going back to lacking motivation, Severus just agrees to be bound to Granger? No struggling to be free of any master, no freewill? One minute the unnamed wizard is torturing Sev, and the next minute everything is hunky dorey?
It's too simplistic.
My advice: go back, fill in the gaps. Give someone an internal monologue, have a bit of angst. Make them spend hours in the library searching through books. Make it a little hopeless. We all want them to win; we all want them to succeed, but life isn't full of easy answers. It needs a little reality, a little despair, a little suspense. The character's need depth that they are lacking right now.
You have a wonderful idea. But right now, it is a skeleton. We need a little flesh, a little blood. It's and amazng plot line, and i story i would like to see pursued. But it needs work.
I am not bashing you. I am giving my honest opinion in hopes that you will be able to use this as constructive criticism. I don't hate you, and I rather like your story. That is my advice.
KaS
schedule
September 7, 2006 at 12:00 AM
not rushing into the romance makes me happy! that means this will be a long story! yay! love the story so far! and i really do hope hermione is under somekind of spell or something because her being this bitchy is just unsettling. take care of sev too! great story!!
schedule
September 7, 2006 at 12:00 AM
It's great to have build up and a plot. Lots of emotions.
schedule
September 6, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Why is this story in the Snape/Hermione relationship folder if you clearly hate Hermione and are probably going to pair Snape with another (the nurse)? Unless you have Hermione suddenly have a change of heart, and Snape suddenly fall in love with someone who he was forced to rape by imperious but is not the least bit attracted to...
I'd suggest moving it to Snape/Other category.
I'd suggest moving it to Snape/Other category.
schedule
September 6, 2006 at 12:00 AM
man .. that was great .. i hope the can turn mione back in to the kind and loving witch she once was .. please please please please update soon .. later for now
angel
angel
schedule
September 5, 2006 at 12:00 AM
I just wish you would get to some Severus/Hermione romance soon. Poor Severus and what is going on with her to want him to die and get rid of their child??? When will the turn around start and hopefully Severus can lead a happy life with Hermione.
schedule
September 5, 2006 at 12:00 AM
what did ron do to hermione to make her such a bitch. please tell soon
schedule
August 25, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Boy that Poppy can sure hold a grudge. Makes me wonder if she is going to get into trouble or not course I highly doubt it considering who the patient is. Poor Severus.
schedule
August 25, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Now a werid start indeed but very good, but it feels a little rushed a bit. I mean it has good plot and I like what i see so far but I can't explain it seems bit rushed and still some things not being told to the reader... I don't know could be me. Stilll great though.