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July 18, 2007 at 12:00 AM
what was the potion that tippy gives hermione in chapter 2?
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December 11, 2006 at 12:00 AM
This is a pretty hot story. I'm looking forward to seeing the rewrite/alternate version, though, because the scenes with Tippy the House-Elf were kind of weird/silly rather than sexy. I think I'd like it better if Draco at least had a *human* servant of some sort to "train" his slave, or if he did it himself. (The training is half the fun, isn't it?))
I like how you have Hermione sort of becoming accustomed to being a sex slave but I think it happens too fast; it should be more gradual. There should also be at least a little angst when she discovers that her master is none other than Draco Malfoy. Malfoy is OOC too but I can sort of understand that; Hermione's *reactions* to her situation are what's OOC in her case. I think Malfoy might behave surprisingly in the (apparently frequent!) situation of having Hermione as his sex slave (you could argue that he secretly has a crush on her and this is the only way he, as a bigoted Pureblood Death Eater, can fulfill his desire). I probably would have made him meaner, more dominating, and especially, more smug. At least to start with.
The whole situation when Lucius showed up seemed kind of odd, for reasons that have been explained by others.
As a couple people have mentioned, there are quite a few errors (spelling/grammar/etc.) in this story, so if you do intend to go ahead with a rewrite/alternate version, I second (third, fourth, whatever) the recommendation that you find a beta to fix these.
Finally, I'd like to see more of that clit-ball! I was never clear on how it works, the description of what it even looks like is sort of confusing, but the concept is hot! (I would think Hermione would figure out what the initials "DM" stand for, especially since he had called her "Mudblood.")
I like how you have Hermione sort of becoming accustomed to being a sex slave but I think it happens too fast; it should be more gradual. There should also be at least a little angst when she discovers that her master is none other than Draco Malfoy. Malfoy is OOC too but I can sort of understand that; Hermione's *reactions* to her situation are what's OOC in her case. I think Malfoy might behave surprisingly in the (apparently frequent!) situation of having Hermione as his sex slave (you could argue that he secretly has a crush on her and this is the only way he, as a bigoted Pureblood Death Eater, can fulfill his desire). I probably would have made him meaner, more dominating, and especially, more smug. At least to start with.
The whole situation when Lucius showed up seemed kind of odd, for reasons that have been explained by others.
As a couple people have mentioned, there are quite a few errors (spelling/grammar/etc.) in this story, so if you do intend to go ahead with a rewrite/alternate version, I second (third, fourth, whatever) the recommendation that you find a beta to fix these.
Finally, I'd like to see more of that clit-ball! I was never clear on how it works, the description of what it even looks like is sort of confusing, but the concept is hot! (I would think Hermione would figure out what the initials "DM" stand for, especially since he had called her "Mudblood.")
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December 11, 2006 at 12:00 AM
OK, I took a closer look at some of the other reviews, particularly those regarding whether or not the DM/HG relationship in this story is "real BDSM." Obviously in a (proper) real-life BDSM relationship there is trust, a safeword, etc., and there is no rape or kidnapping or manipulating someone into signing a one-sided contract.
However, adult stories (porn, erotica, whatever you want to call 'em) with BSDM *themes* often do not depict real-life BDSM relationships. Remember this is *fantasy*, not reality. Think of it as sort of like a role-play if that analogy helps you. Lots of us (myself included) have fantasies of things we would never do/want done to us in real life. This type of story is a way to put such fantasies in writing. I don't know about you but sometimes I get turned on reading a story that would shock and horrify me if it were non-fiction.
I can't speak for the author, but I doubt that this story is meant to show Hermione and Draco in a proper BDSM relationship, with mutual trust, respect, etc. (See my previous post, for why Draco probably wouldn't go for such a relationship anyway, IMHO: even if he has a secret crush on Hermione, Draco can't afford to become romantically involved with her. The only way he can be with her is by making her his slave.)
A reader has a right to be offended by a story, but it's best to try to take that up through *polite discourse* (rather than insults and name-calling - I'm not naming names, you know who you are) with the author, explaining that you think the story should have a particular warning, or whatever. Trying to get the story censored by reporting it to the moderator is not an appropriate step unless you have already tried politely addressing your problem with the author, IMO.
Obviously, if someone did report this story to the moderator (as at least one person threatened to do), the moderator did not think that person's complaint merited removing the story. Ever hear the story of the boy who cried wolf?
I do think that a "noncon" warning would be in order here. I mean, yes, Hermione likes it, but she doesn't really get a choice, after all, does she. That way people who only want to see stories about relationships in which everyone is treated with respect will know not to read it. That said, I hope you don't let all the nasty reviews discourage you. I try to offer constructive criticism and mention what I *like* about the story too; I don't think there's ever any excuse for posting nasty comments, name-calling, unfounded accusations, etc., no matter how offended one may be. Those people need to find a more mature way of expressing themselves.
However, adult stories (porn, erotica, whatever you want to call 'em) with BSDM *themes* often do not depict real-life BDSM relationships. Remember this is *fantasy*, not reality. Think of it as sort of like a role-play if that analogy helps you. Lots of us (myself included) have fantasies of things we would never do/want done to us in real life. This type of story is a way to put such fantasies in writing. I don't know about you but sometimes I get turned on reading a story that would shock and horrify me if it were non-fiction.
I can't speak for the author, but I doubt that this story is meant to show Hermione and Draco in a proper BDSM relationship, with mutual trust, respect, etc. (See my previous post, for why Draco probably wouldn't go for such a relationship anyway, IMHO: even if he has a secret crush on Hermione, Draco can't afford to become romantically involved with her. The only way he can be with her is by making her his slave.)
A reader has a right to be offended by a story, but it's best to try to take that up through *polite discourse* (rather than insults and name-calling - I'm not naming names, you know who you are) with the author, explaining that you think the story should have a particular warning, or whatever. Trying to get the story censored by reporting it to the moderator is not an appropriate step unless you have already tried politely addressing your problem with the author, IMO.
Obviously, if someone did report this story to the moderator (as at least one person threatened to do), the moderator did not think that person's complaint merited removing the story. Ever hear the story of the boy who cried wolf?
I do think that a "noncon" warning would be in order here. I mean, yes, Hermione likes it, but she doesn't really get a choice, after all, does she. That way people who only want to see stories about relationships in which everyone is treated with respect will know not to read it. That said, I hope you don't let all the nasty reviews discourage you. I try to offer constructive criticism and mention what I *like* about the story too; I don't think there's ever any excuse for posting nasty comments, name-calling, unfounded accusations, etc., no matter how offended one may be. Those people need to find a more mature way of expressing themselves.
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December 3, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Wow! Great story! But did Draco really have to die? That part was so sad *tear*. LOL.
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December 3, 2006 at 12:00 AM
I just read Jade's review...Okay, I'm not sure if you've realized it, but this is not only a FANfiction, but an adult fanfiction...porn actually. It doesn't have to go perfectly with the books! The whole POINT of this website is to write stories about hot sex, which this story had a lot of!...even if the Hermione/elf parts were kind of strange. LOL. As with any other story you read, if you don't like it, don't read it. It's as simple as that.
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November 30, 2006 at 12:00 AM
First thought... get a beta reader who will catch your mistakes. No offense to your current one, but they let an amazing amount of things slip by (plot holes, improper grammar, constantly changing tenses, etc...).
As for the story... I felt it was very disjointed. Maybe it's just me, but if some guy raped me, made me agree to something while I was tied up and in pain (which I very much doubt Hermione would *ever* agree to, in pain or not), then allowed a house elf to torture me, my first thought wouldn't be "Oooh, I hope I please him when he gets back!"
It seemed very out of place that Hermione suddenly "loved" her master and wanted to please him after all of the crap he'd done to her... I thought maybe you'd explain that by way of the potion the elf made her drink, but no, apparently she just had a very quick change of heart about her master. Then she finds out her "master" is Draco Malfoy, someone she absolutely despises in the books. This still doesn't change her feelings for him. Huh.
And then the end of the slave part... suddenly Lucius is there all evil and rape-happy, then he's dead. Draco's suddenly all nice, protective, and feel nothing for killing his father, only love for Hermione (who he still called "mudblood" in the first chapter). Then other wizards arrive, and Draco (one of the main characters) is dead. All in the space of a paragraph or so. BAM! BAM! BAM!
It felt extremely rushed and thrown together. And if Lucius told the cops (so to speak) and knew other wizards were coming, then why did he think he'd have time to rape Hermione? Eh, it was just rather strange. Again, seemed thrown together.
The end in general also seemed rushed, though I don't have much to say about it, except when is this set? If it's while they're still in school (which I'm guessing, since Dumbledore, Snape, and McGonagall were called in), why were her parents not also called in when they found her? Muggles or not, I'd assume it'd be pretty dang important to let them know their daughter had been kidnapped, raped, and tortured. That was off-putting to me. And why was Snape (a teacher she, Harry and Ron are all known to hate) chosen as the one to obliviate her memory? I'd think her own Head of House would have been the best person for the job there (since Hermione seems to be rather fond of McGonagall in the books).
So yeah, I didn't care much for it. Had there been some explanation for Hermione's sudden love for her master (Stockholm syndrome, anyone?) and vice-versa, less torture with the house elf, and better beta reading, I might have found it mildly enjoyable, but as it is, I too am wondering if you're of age to be contributing to this site.
As for the story... I felt it was very disjointed. Maybe it's just me, but if some guy raped me, made me agree to something while I was tied up and in pain (which I very much doubt Hermione would *ever* agree to, in pain or not), then allowed a house elf to torture me, my first thought wouldn't be "Oooh, I hope I please him when he gets back!"
It seemed very out of place that Hermione suddenly "loved" her master and wanted to please him after all of the crap he'd done to her... I thought maybe you'd explain that by way of the potion the elf made her drink, but no, apparently she just had a very quick change of heart about her master. Then she finds out her "master" is Draco Malfoy, someone she absolutely despises in the books. This still doesn't change her feelings for him. Huh.
And then the end of the slave part... suddenly Lucius is there all evil and rape-happy, then he's dead. Draco's suddenly all nice, protective, and feel nothing for killing his father, only love for Hermione (who he still called "mudblood" in the first chapter). Then other wizards arrive, and Draco (one of the main characters) is dead. All in the space of a paragraph or so. BAM! BAM! BAM!
It felt extremely rushed and thrown together. And if Lucius told the cops (so to speak) and knew other wizards were coming, then why did he think he'd have time to rape Hermione? Eh, it was just rather strange. Again, seemed thrown together.
The end in general also seemed rushed, though I don't have much to say about it, except when is this set? If it's while they're still in school (which I'm guessing, since Dumbledore, Snape, and McGonagall were called in), why were her parents not also called in when they found her? Muggles or not, I'd assume it'd be pretty dang important to let them know their daughter had been kidnapped, raped, and tortured. That was off-putting to me. And why was Snape (a teacher she, Harry and Ron are all known to hate) chosen as the one to obliviate her memory? I'd think her own Head of House would have been the best person for the job there (since Hermione seems to be rather fond of McGonagall in the books).
So yeah, I didn't care much for it. Had there been some explanation for Hermione's sudden love for her master (Stockholm syndrome, anyone?) and vice-versa, less torture with the house elf, and better beta reading, I might have found it mildly enjoyable, but as it is, I too am wondering if you're of age to be contributing to this site.
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October 15, 2006 at 12:00 AM
co coo
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October 10, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Damn it. why? why? i want the rest!!!!!!!!!!!!
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October 9, 2006 at 12:00 AM
aww, thats so sweet
i love it!
i love it!
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October 3, 2006 at 12:00 AM
I only want to give you constructive criticism. I really liked your first chapter, but throughout the chapters you didn't stay true to your characters. How can Draco suddenly be so soft and gentle towards her? I think in the first chapter you made it clear about the BDSM relationship they had. Also, I appreciate you trying to add a plot into your story to liven things up, but it didn't really work out. The 'obliviate' plot reminded me of another recent story with Dr/Hr as well. You might know which one I'm talking about. I'm not saying you copied or anything and at least you made the plot yours. I dislike the way you have so much elf scenes in, it's torture all the way through. You constantly update with very short chapters which is quite annoying, those chapters are 1/4 of what I would expect in a proper chapter. If this is to boost your page views and maintain your readers, then I think you should cut it out.