schedule
August 7, 2003 at 12:00 AM
I really liked this story--it\'s sexy and well-written, two things which too often don\'t come together. I have only one piece of constructive criticism; while your imagery is beautiful and spot on, you have... rather a lot of it too close together. Take this sentence;
One of them, a pale and slender boy with a pointed face, brushed his silvery-blonde hair ois fis face with a sleep-laden arm and opened his glinting steel-grey eyes, which blinked a few times bemusedly.
The hyphenated words--silvery-blonde, sleep-laden (I really like that one, by the way--very pretty *grin*) and steel-grey are basically wasted in one sentence. Because they\'re all clumped together, you notice them as repetitious descriptors rather than the really good imagery you would notice them as were you to use only one every two or three sentences. Mind you, you only have this problem in the beginning of the story--the rest is just gorgeous. Keep up the good work!
One of them, a pale and slender boy with a pointed face, brushed his silvery-blonde hair ois fis face with a sleep-laden arm and opened his glinting steel-grey eyes, which blinked a few times bemusedly.
The hyphenated words--silvery-blonde, sleep-laden (I really like that one, by the way--very pretty *grin*) and steel-grey are basically wasted in one sentence. Because they\'re all clumped together, you notice them as repetitious descriptors rather than the really good imagery you would notice them as were you to use only one every two or three sentences. Mind you, you only have this problem in the beginning of the story--the rest is just gorgeous. Keep up the good work!
schedule
August 7, 2003 at 12:00 AM
Sorry, I didn\'t mean to post that last comment anonymously. Don\'t want to seem like a hit-and-run flamery-type person :^) Loved the story, really.
schedule
May 28, 2003 at 12:00 AM
sexy!
schedule
May 28, 2003 at 12:00 AM
This had better be the first review.
Also, that was great, but I sure hope they weren\'t under (bond)age!
Also, that was great, but I sure hope they weren\'t under (bond)age!
schedule
May 28, 2003 at 12:00 AM
Another amusingly titilating story....
Thank you so much Keshu youhave out done your self; was ROFL at several points... What an amazingly vivid imagination!!!
The future looks bright
Thank you so much Keshu youhave out done your self; was ROFL at several points... What an amazingly vivid imagination!!!
The future looks bright