schedule
February 12, 2006 at 12:00 AM
great story...please update soon
schedule
February 12, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Just read the 4. chapter and I find it really great !
At beginnig I find it odd for Harry to have two mates, but now I just find it hot ! >.<
Can't wait to see the next chapter !
Hope you will update soon. ^^
At beginnig I find it odd for Harry to have two mates, but now I just find it hot ! >.<
Can't wait to see the next chapter !
Hope you will update soon. ^^
schedule
February 10, 2006 at 12:00 AM
like the story its great! can't wait to read more
schedule
February 10, 2006 at 12:00 AM
hn. interesting. decently written thought i see mistakes here and there. I suggest you consider getting a beta. It will help your story.
So far, the plot is wonderful, interesting, hot.
Update, I'm getting excited over this fanfic.
So far, the plot is wonderful, interesting, hot.
Update, I'm getting excited over this fanfic.
schedule
February 10, 2006 at 12:00 AM
this was very very good keep going and post soon
bye bye
bye bye
schedule
February 10, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Keep going!!! I love the story!
schedule
February 10, 2006 at 12:00 AM
hey, nice story! update asap, k?
schedule
February 10, 2006 at 12:00 AM
your writing style.. to put it bluntly, sucks. As constructive criticism, i will give you some advice. Stop rushing the story. The plot is wonderful but you're making the story go too fast without details.
Also, I absolutely hate it when the authors give their main character a lot of pity and or sympathy. You make the other characters seem useless and coldhearted.. like they arent as important as the main character. You WANT us to gather on a pity party for Harry. You made him seem weak and all naiive and innocent. Theres no problem with that but you are pushing it wayyy over the borderline.
You are also writing in past tense. "He had..."
I, myself prefer present tense over past tense. It sort of ruins the story. Of course, you do not need to change it.. but I think most readers prefer it. Past tense needs to be written carefully.. and I saw many slip ups in this first chapter. With your writing style.. I suggest u change it to present tense. It will make the story seem a whole lot better.
and theres not such word as "sorta". Change it to sort of.
Your story plot is wonderful. You made it more creative then the cliche 'harry/severus mate' stories. Harry now has two mates and that makes the story seem more interesting and hottt.
You're doing an alright job. Just try to use my criticism usefully instead of hatefully. I know its annoying to get these criticism from us reviewers... but you cant have "WOW your story is so good!" reviews all the time. Dont write in the upcoming chapter to bitch at me. Ignore this review if you will. but i can tell you that you are not a good author if you ignore this. Us (critics) are just trying to help you. We see potential in you to do better. You have a good plot going and all you need is a little help with your writing style.
Thanks for listening and i hope this helps. I will continue to read this story because I find it interesting. Expect more criticism later. No fanfic is perfect.
Also, I absolutely hate it when the authors give their main character a lot of pity and or sympathy. You make the other characters seem useless and coldhearted.. like they arent as important as the main character. You WANT us to gather on a pity party for Harry. You made him seem weak and all naiive and innocent. Theres no problem with that but you are pushing it wayyy over the borderline.
You are also writing in past tense. "He had..."
I, myself prefer present tense over past tense. It sort of ruins the story. Of course, you do not need to change it.. but I think most readers prefer it. Past tense needs to be written carefully.. and I saw many slip ups in this first chapter. With your writing style.. I suggest u change it to present tense. It will make the story seem a whole lot better.
and theres not such word as "sorta". Change it to sort of.
Your story plot is wonderful. You made it more creative then the cliche 'harry/severus mate' stories. Harry now has two mates and that makes the story seem more interesting and hottt.
You're doing an alright job. Just try to use my criticism usefully instead of hatefully. I know its annoying to get these criticism from us reviewers... but you cant have "WOW your story is so good!" reviews all the time. Dont write in the upcoming chapter to bitch at me. Ignore this review if you will. but i can tell you that you are not a good author if you ignore this. Us (critics) are just trying to help you. We see potential in you to do better. You have a good plot going and all you need is a little help with your writing style.
Thanks for listening and i hope this helps. I will continue to read this story because I find it interesting. Expect more criticism later. No fanfic is perfect.
schedule
February 9, 2006 at 12:00 AM
wow this is very very good story keep going
and keep writing and post soon soon!!!!!!!!!!
byebye
and keep writing and post soon soon!!!!!!!!!!
byebye
schedule
February 8, 2006 at 12:00 AM
This is really good! Can't wait till uoi update>:D