rate_review Reviews

Why all the Mary-Sues? Why? What is the POINT?!

There was a lack of consistancy in whether the female was in the first person or not. The constant switching between 'he looked at me' and 'he looked at her' didn't do this any favours, as the ensuing confusion distracts from anything you might be trying to write as plot. And you have him 'sliding into her virginity' after you have already written them having sex! Things like this have to be addressed. I'm not saying the idea isn't good, just that technicaly it needs to be tidied. And stopping to point out how big his penis is in inches kills the mood. You can indicate it's size without having to be so blatent.