rate_review Reviews

The following review reflects the opinion of the reviewer and can be seen as either constructive criticism or a flame by the reviewee. If the reviewee chooses to acknowledge the review as a flame, the reviewer hopes that the reviewee enjoys his s'mores...

What on earth have you done to these characters? I think that just about every single character that you have written in the story so far (as far as I had the stomach to read) has been OOC to some degree. Especially Harry. His attitude towards certain woman is disgusting. The fact he has certain words in his vocabulary says a lot, and none of what it's saying is good. It doesn't matter what the women in question may have said or done, any decent person wouldn't even think to use those words. And making Ginny walk around naked? ...Why? I won't even get into the rest of what I find to be 'wrong' with this story as I would be sitting here all night.

On a positive note... Aside from the actual content, I think that the story is well written (spelling, grammar, sentence structure, etc.).

Hey man I really like your stories.
this one is pretty good.
I think you should have a bit of talk/action concerning Hermione's parents. who
don't have a clue there daughter was a) molested, b) held against her will c) tortured d) given mind altering 'drugs'

keep up the good work.

cheers

Chapter 4

First off, I will focus on the things I found interesting in this chapter, because I did have a serious issue with a major development in the story.

I found it interesting that Harry is pretty much accelerating his plan to consolidate his behind the scenes attempt to create a base of power. His decision to take a third wife so quickly, and stressing that is occur before returning to Hogwarts, makes it appear that he is running on some sort of time schedule that has never been mentioned before. He has also made a great deal of effort in establishing a serious rapport with the werewolves. This will allow him to have a base of rabid and loyal followers. I found his discussion with Arthur to be in character for the story; he is still friendly to the majority of the Weasleys and holds no grudge. Arthur, being a man of deep conviction and honor, was quite willing to air his family's shame, yet Harry's plan needs to have this kept secret. Unexpectedly for Harry, Arthur gratitude for saving the rest of the family was even greater than he could have imagined. Arthur's oath has basically guaranteed another set of permanent allies for Harry to work with.

Another aspect of the story I liked was Cho. The introduction of her as a potential wife/slave came pretty much out of the blue; her family's background and standing is unknown in canon, but you gave the readers a good recap in a believable manner. Rather than just have a generic third-person overview, you instead had Harry question Hermione's choice of Cho, checking to see if she was just being jealous (and as seen with Hermione's treatment of Pansy, this question was not unfounded). This allowed you to give us the rationale for the Chang family's importance. But the main reason I found Cho's character to be interesting was the fact she wasn't a cookie-cutter copy of Pansy. You set up her family to be just as rigidly old fashioned as the Parkinsons, but rather than being accepting of the decisions of her family's head, Cho is more than slightly rebellious. She has "disgraced" the family honor by not remaining chaste; she has no desire to bend her will to Harry, nor does she want to be his wife simply because he has bought her dowry price. You made the effort to give a different personality from Pansy.

But you did falter with Cho's personality almost immediately though. You have her being very strong willed and independently minded. To the point of completely refusing to obey her new husband, obviously going against the traditional upbringing she was given. Yet, she instantly succumbs after a meager few punishment swats and the threat of a hanging. She is more than intelligent enough to have realized that Harry paid more than the normal dowry fee for a chaste daughter (let alone one who was no longer pure) to simply throw away the investment by immediately killing her. So why the abrupt and totally out of character conversion? It can't be that she suddenly cannot stand by her convictions due to the thought of pain, seeing as not only was she smack around pretty hard by both her father and her new husband, but more importantly, even when stewing over her father's treatment, she is hatching a plot to expose Harry's secrets to the Prophet. So her sudden collapse is a bit jarring when it occurs.

However, that out of character moment wasn't the only event. You have Harry lay out the ground rules to Pansy right in the beginning, explicitly stating that Hermione's word is second only to Harry's. That she is not to even consider disobeying her, unless it is countermanding an existing order from Harry. And the slave spell she is under is such that she can do nothing but think of pleasing him, no matter to order (see the question regarding Cho's gallows for example). Ergo, obeying this order should be second nature to her. Yet, the very first time Hermione gives Pansy an order, she balks. How would this be possible.

Yet still this is not the worse offense in losing sight of the character motivations. Back when Harry rescued Hermione from Ron's spell, he had to rape her, much like his slave spell he has used on his slaves. However, unlike his three slaves, he did not have Hermione's consent which is key to the spell. Instead, this act was driven on his desire for how he wanted Hermione to act upon her awakening. He wanted her to be as she was before this all began. In fact, upon her recovery, he was desperate for her forgiveness for having to using the spell. So why the hell would he start this chapter off by calling her his slave? He has never used this term for her before. He has been gentle and kind toward her, knowing the endless abuse she received from the Weasleys. Yet, here he is heaping the exact same physical and emotional abuse on her. He brutally forces her to masturbate and then without warning anally rapes her. And worse, given his reaction to the news that the Weasleys (especially Ginny) used her as a toilet), he makes her clean her own filth off of him. Again, why would he do this? She was getting above her station? For doing what, being the first wife? For being his confidant and aide? He turns around and relies upon her decisions to choose the next girl to be taken as a slave as well as doing the negotiations. He needs her to help with the planning with the wards for the werewolf asylum. Why does Harry suddenly treat her the same as he has treated Ginny, the bitch had been plotting to control his life and steal his future? And to make things even more confusing, you end up the chapter with Harry being extra protective, to the threat of disembowelment, toward Hermione. Again, this comes across very contrary to the treatment he himself shows her during the opening portion of the chapter.

Personally, I think you lost sight of the fact that Hermione was not a slave in this story. Yes, she was "taken", but not willingly, not by Harry's own choice. He would not want to treat her in the manner in which you suddenly did, after establishing her as his partner, no less. You are suddenly trying to establish (once again as you did in you last multi-chapter story) a need for Hermione to be submissive, after establishing her as anything but submissive.

I have hopes that this story continues to be interesting and entertaining, but a complete and utter reversal of characterizations will make it hard to follow. Sorry if this comes across as a flame, but the sudden creation of Slave-Hermione was more than a little hard to accept.

Chris

great update hope to read more soon

ok like the new chapter but harry changed from someone who simply wanted hermione back to normal to treating her like a normal slave whats up with that

You're very good at this.

Cho's a bit of a bitch, isn't she? As for Hermione, given what she went through, its impressive that she's even that sane.

Nice bit with the were's, its good to see that even Semi-Dark, sadistic Harry still has his conscience.

I look forward to more of this. Soon, please.

Can't wait for more, please keep up the good work and try to update this story as soon as you are able to

please update soon!

Very hot, interesting part.

More soon, please.

Chapter 3

This was a nice plot advancement chapter. From the beginning scene with Hermione outlining the pros and cons of the different approaches to Harry's end goal to the eventual fallout at the Auror corps now that the Death Eaters have been eliminated to the idea of reaching out to the persecuted members of society such as the werewolves, you have done an excellent job of setting the stage and giving the reader a keen understanding as to exactly what is motivating the different players.

A couple of things stand out as very interesting and yet positive (to me) items. The first is Tonks. I am glad you decided not to have her be inducted into Harry's cadre of wives (at least not yet). This action immediately differentiates this story from the other Harry-Harem stories out there and prevents anybody from accusing you as just rehashing the same story as your last multi-chapter saga.

The second point was the Parkinson family; rather than have them be irredeemably evil; they are merely "dark" and self-serving. This in itself is not "evil"; it just makes them not on the side of "good". But given Harry's recent experience, he would feel more comfortable dealing with people who are open as to their desires and wishes. So for Harry to deal with them may seem odd at the surface, the Parkinsons, too, would find Harry's abrupt frankness to be quite refreshing. And even if their apparent bigotry might be real, and they would be placing their daughter in a position subservient to a "lesser" being (a muggle-born), she still is attached to the future leader and therefore would be better off than a majority of the populace.

Another very key event, although it had a left me feeling a little odd, was Hermione's actions against Pansy. By having her acting out on her own wishes and ideas when prepping Pansy for Harry's bonding, you explicitly show that even though Hermione had to be enslaved in order to be freed from the spells that Ron placed on her, her situation is completely different from Pansy or Ginny. With the latter two, neither one seem to be able to have the ability to have the initiative to act out on their wishes; I would guess that similar to "Sisters Black" they might have an innate connection to Harry's subconscious and will never be able to deviate from his wants. Hermione on the other hand, was "taken" with the desire that she be as she was before she was assaulted. This means that she is her own person, if only that she will make her decisions. As in the case with Pansy, she took it upon herself to make sure that Harry could not be accidentally bound to the witch. The reason this scene felt odd to me is two-fold. First - Hermione knows that Harry knows the limitations of the spells involved with the binding. So why would she think that he would be stupid enough not to bind Pansy to himself first? Second - Hermione's experience. As far as I remember, Harry hasn't even had vaginal intercourse with Hermione. Again, so why would she assume that Harry would do so with Pansy, especially given the ranking of the wives? The only assumption that I can come up with is that she is jealous, and that makes sense only if Ron took Hermione's virginity. If he did, she *could* be jealous of any other witch that Harry might have sex with. But again, as the rules of the spell are that the witch can bind the wizard through vaginal sex, and that Hermione stated that she knew that Ron was trying to bind her, it doesn't seem likely that Hermione would have let Ron take her virginity. Anyway, I would expect that Harry's anger at Hermione to pass -- it is an offence that is too minor to keep a grudge over.

As to upcoming scenes, I am looking forward to a few different events. The first is Harry's revenge on Voldemort's peace offering (By the way, thanks for the explanation on the quick death of the Weasleys. Hermione wanting it over quickly makes a great deal of sense). I would think that Harry has some serious issues to deal with given the assumed identities of the three Death Eaters. The other scenes I am looking forward to both deal with school. The first will be seeing the fallout over the shake-up of Dumbledore's sudden death coinciding with Voldemort's "fall". I would think the social structure of the school will be completely shot to hell. But more importantly will be the reaction to Harry and his newly required living arraignments. And who will be next on his list of girls to suborn into his power base

Chris