rate_review Reviews

Please Finish this story.

Avidly awaiting new chapters,

Merrideth

Please write more I really like the story. How bad will Dumbles become? Will Voldie get it soon with the trap at the school? What about the crown? Will Charles be in major troble from his Mum the queen and how are the princes doing with learning magic? What about Draco and his friend Ben? Anymore kissing for them? Thank you.

You shouldn't have put the Queen in. She ruins everything she touches, including your story.

Your history of England needs study. England did not exist as a country 2000 years ago, nor did any Royal line. This royal line only came into being in 1714 and is not legitimate or appreciated (except by countries which have never had the misfortune to have to pay for the priveledged upbringing of undeserving foreigners).

England 2000 years ago consisted of a collection of smaller countries headed by Chieftains or Chieftainesses. This culture was decimated after Roman Emperor Constantine created Christianity when he declared a long dead political rebel to be the son of God, insisted that the world become Christian and wiped out pagan Albion (England).

If you want more information on the truth, feel free to e-mail me. I am an English teacher, I write children's novels based on ancient english history and have a theology PhD. I can fill you in easily.

I've caught up. Now I understand why someone reviewed and hoped your arm would be better. I really appreciate how you wove the current British government into your story. I was wondering about those wards in the forbidden forest and now you've answered that question. I was wondering what you meant about Dumbledore. . . is he the first Black Mage? I'm really hoping you don't plan on sacrificing or torturing the King or Harry. I congratulate you. I was worried that with such a powerful Harry and Company you would not have enough of a story line to continue, a trap many novice's fall into. Not just writers, but gamers or role players too. Instead you upped the ante, very evily I might add. I can't wait to see where you go from here. The AU you created was so good, I was dissappointed to run out of story and return to my own life!!!! The mark of a truly well-crafted story.

Hmm. Harry may be Elven in this story, but he is still English. An Englishman not appreciating booze? (We never ever use the word liquor by the way - booze, beer, spirits, wine, alcohol but not liquor, that is a purely American creation) It is simply not done dear, especially not with a teenager. Good God, just think how pliable we'd be if we never got into altered states of consciousness, we'd be as gullible as the rest of the Western World. Sorry but I can't believe in a world where a party happens without booze. For goodness sake, our Houses of Parliament have 17 bars that are open 24 hours a day just for the use of the politicians and their staff. I think you have a very misguided impression of our country. After all, Winston Churchill, the greatest leader we ever had, saved the entire Western world from Hitler in a booze and drug enhanced haze of indignance. We are just too damn proud of our centuries and centuries of drug and booze led history to adopt the soulless abstinence of our political neighbours. It had us leading the world while the other powers filthied their nappies and now it has us replete in our historical context laughing our heads off at Kindergarten despotism masquerading as democracy. No liquor? "We demand to have some booze" is our national ruddy slogan.

Smirking and giggling, but serious nonetheless
Akinaria x
Most famous British Drinking/Drugged leaders - Queen Elizabeth I, Queen Victoria, William Pitt, Winston Churchill

The magical world that you are ceating here is complex and well thought out. I am enjoying your story immensely. The introduction of an external "guide" character staves off any potential criticism about the rapidity of change in the story and there is little constructive criticism I could offer on story creation. Your world is compelling.

There is however a language difficulty. It is not intense enough to hamper enjoyment or comprehension, but I thought that perhaps you might appreciate some analysis in this regard. You mentioned in a note, in a previous chapter, that you use a couple of betas to check your spelling and grammar. I would suggest that the one checking your spelling and use of language is hoodwinking you about their own skills and is actually merely using the spellcheck on the computer (press F7). There are many instances where a word has two or more potential spellings, based upon meaning and your beta had not picked up on any of the occassions where the incorrect choice has been made. Nor have they picked up on points where a word had been used incorrectly, for example using "yet" instead of "so far", this is evident in word order in various places too. A beta should be someone with an "eloquent" grasp of language, they should certainly be able to tell you when "whom" should be used instead of "who". The person who has been betaing for you does not have a very good grasp of the english language and finding a better one would help you to improve your own grasp of english and also create a better impression upon your readers.

One final thing, you alternate between saying stave and staff, I would suggest choosing one. When considering the choice, bear in mind that stave does not mean staff within existent language. It would of course, be perfectly legitimate to choose to apply this as the name for the weapon anyway, but you ought to be aware of its current meanings before doing so. There are three meanings currently accepted for stave; 1) the framework upon which music is notated (five horizontal lines). 2) to stave off - prevent the occurence of. 3) a thin strip of wood used in the construction of barrels, tubs or similar. There is also a tree in australia called "stave wood".

I hope that this review helps you to improve your writing, as is the intention of sending it. I do not, by any means, intend to discourage you. As I said, the world of magic that you are weaving is a compelling one and I am enjoying your story. The technical issues do not impede enjoyment of the story, I merely thought that you might appreciate an intelligent and helpful review. I don't review writers whom I do not think are worth the effort.

Akinaria - (english teacher and former editor)

Oh my god!!!!! In two days, I have only read 6 chapters!!!! I'm fascinated with your world. I remember the first chapter but lost track of you after that. I didn't know what I was missing. All I can say is I wish I could offer you a plateful of my favorite cookies, oatmeal butterscotch, and a half gallon of milk. I'm looking forward to reading more!!! I may even have to move onto white chocolate chip walnut cookies!!!!

I must say I

Yes... You are back... I am so very glad..... I love your story and what you have done... Only have one thing to say.... The dragonling seemed to come from left field, by way of familiars. You could have gave us some kind of mentioning about familiars on the sly..... Other thatn that this story rocks and I can't wait for you to update.....

Yay you updated!!!!! I love this ff can't wait for the next chapter, update soon please.