schedule
July 25, 2005 at 12:00 AM
^_^ so good... I can\'t wait for the next chapter. Great story and writing!
schedule
July 22, 2005 at 12:00 AM
i LUV your story!!!! it\'s awsome, and well thought out! The only thing i have to complain about is the lack of chapters!!!! Im greedy, thus i know, but still *stars to pout* I want to read more of the goodness that is your story. Lol, later dude, ~*ArSeNiC*~
schedule
July 20, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Very good, but more more more!
schedule
July 20, 2005 at 12:00 AM
I\'am so glad that I found out where this fic is relocated to now I know
it is adult fan fiction I can keep up with the up dates could you please
let me know when you up date this awesome fic.
it is adult fan fiction I can keep up with the up dates could you please
let me know when you up date this awesome fic.
schedule
July 20, 2005 at 12:00 AM
This story is really good-I like the species and everything! And yes, the sweetness is wonderful, but I\'m gonna have to beat that T guy\'s booty, aren\'t I? Please update soon!
schedule
July 20, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Okay, I like your story, very much so. But I do have some critisism (hopefully the constructive kind):
You need you find a way to make the exposition less explicit. When you have some information to tell you kinda do it too long and too obvious. The letter to Lily\'s mom was soooo long, and monotone, and boring that I had to force myself to read through it. And the biggest problem - it wasn\'t the kind of letter a person would actually write - it was more a like a short biographical sketch. A lot of the information in it wasn\'t even needed. You don\'t have to explain every step in his life, at least not in one blow. You could give less info.
There are similar problems with the explanation about getting pregnant. Harry asks a valid question but in a very contrived form. And once Draco answers \"I already explained it, but Let me just do it again in detail...\" - it is just toooo fake. You could say that the boys were having a conversation about their kind, and Draco, being the more educated on th subject was explaining some things to his submissive. Then remembering their previous conversation about his body preparing for pregnancy, Harry decided to ask if he could get pregnant from what they did in the dreams. Then Draco would explain.
This way it is a reasonable part of a flowing conversation, and we don\'t get the feeling of 1) it being forced, and 2) Harry having the I.Q. of a five year old since he needs a repetition of info. that he just heard recently.
And the whole story about why Lily couldn\'t be with her mother - it feels like you\'re willing to do anything to excuse her (after creating the accusation yourself), and you dump a teary story with too many details to do so. When Petunia started to cry after that, it felt so contrived and fake that I just wanted to laught and/or scream.
Now, that is not to say I didn\'t like the story. I really did. (Would appreciate the sex being a little more explicit, but that\'s up to you.) Hope I wasn\'t too harsh here. I don\'t mean to offend in any way.
You need you find a way to make the exposition less explicit. When you have some information to tell you kinda do it too long and too obvious. The letter to Lily\'s mom was soooo long, and monotone, and boring that I had to force myself to read through it. And the biggest problem - it wasn\'t the kind of letter a person would actually write - it was more a like a short biographical sketch. A lot of the information in it wasn\'t even needed. You don\'t have to explain every step in his life, at least not in one blow. You could give less info.
There are similar problems with the explanation about getting pregnant. Harry asks a valid question but in a very contrived form. And once Draco answers \"I already explained it, but Let me just do it again in detail...\" - it is just toooo fake. You could say that the boys were having a conversation about their kind, and Draco, being the more educated on th subject was explaining some things to his submissive. Then remembering their previous conversation about his body preparing for pregnancy, Harry decided to ask if he could get pregnant from what they did in the dreams. Then Draco would explain.
This way it is a reasonable part of a flowing conversation, and we don\'t get the feeling of 1) it being forced, and 2) Harry having the I.Q. of a five year old since he needs a repetition of info. that he just heard recently.
And the whole story about why Lily couldn\'t be with her mother - it feels like you\'re willing to do anything to excuse her (after creating the accusation yourself), and you dump a teary story with too many details to do so. When Petunia started to cry after that, it felt so contrived and fake that I just wanted to laught and/or scream.
Now, that is not to say I didn\'t like the story. I really did. (Would appreciate the sex being a little more explicit, but that\'s up to you.) Hope I wasn\'t too harsh here. I don\'t mean to offend in any way.
schedule
July 20, 2005 at 12:00 AM
UPDATE!!! *cries* no bad cliffie update soon this is really intresting
Who is the brown haired person??
Who is the brown haired person??
schedule
July 20, 2005 at 12:00 AM
YAY! It\'s back, So this is why you took it off fanfiction? To repost it here? Oh well, i love this story so i\'m just happy to see it again! :D Don\'t leave it too long between the updates please?!
schedule
July 20, 2005 at 12:00 AM
OMG POST MORE PLZ PLZ PLZ THIS IS REALLY GUD neway great story hope u post more
l8rs
l8rs
schedule
July 20, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Uh oh! Not good! I can\'t wait for chapter 4!