schedule
June 25, 2005 at 12:00 AM
more is demanded
schedule
June 24, 2005 at 12:00 AM
The lines between being masterful and overpowering are sometimes very narrow... your characterization of Harry is not terribly dissimilar to JKR\'s depiction of his almost uncontrollable anger in the early chapters of Book 5, and it works quite well. This is a young man who wouldn\'t quite know how to display affection/love/lust in an appropriate fashion. That his sudden epiphany would happen on the brink of losing that \'thing\' he suddenly realizes is the raison d\'etre of his life is certainly plausible. I could see Harry taking the opportunity to tell Hermione what he feels, even if his original intention wasn\'t to force her. That he makes the decision to \'take\' her is a bit of a stretch, but hey, this is fan fiction, and you work Hermione\'s sudden capitulation fairly well. That Harry gets what he wants because he has been forceful is perhaps a little difficult to take, but you\'ve balanced it by describing his need in such a way as to garner the sympathy of your readers. That\'s very well done.
Realizing that all it takes to be a critic is an open mouth and ten fingers, please do not be offended by this next little paragraph. I do not mean to offend you, but I\'ve read both of your stories and wanted to make a comment on two contextual matters (as in grammatical). You might want to re-read your chapters a final time before posting them (\'new\' instead of \'knew\', \'feudal\' instead of \'futile\'). We all make these mistakes from time-to-time and a final read-through can really help. At least it\'s helped me so many times that I\'m certain I\'m a fumble-fingered hack most of the time. I think it\'s great to read fanfiction written by a man -- as unusual as it is to find -- but I\'d like to make a small comment about the cohesiveness of your tone. You seem to have a tendency to vacillate between romanticism and crudity (for example, \'his tongue doing slow exploratory circles in the recesses of Hermione\'s mouth\' this is quite a romantic form of expression -- and perfectly aligned to your target audience; however, shortly after this description you have quite a dissimilar one, then letting the tit meat slide out between his lips -- the phrasing is graphically different from the first expression and is a bit jarring to the erotic \'tone\' you\'re attempting to create. I think it may simply be that men and women have different modes of expression, but I found myself startled on more than one occasion by some of terms you use, and it has nothing to do with prudery, simply the jarring juxtaposition of erotica with smut (which are two entirely different things).
I look forward to seeng what you do with this story... the potential long-term consequences are very intriguing to contemplate, and I quite like your conscientious and, yet, possessive and determined Harry.
Realizing that all it takes to be a critic is an open mouth and ten fingers, please do not be offended by this next little paragraph. I do not mean to offend you, but I\'ve read both of your stories and wanted to make a comment on two contextual matters (as in grammatical). You might want to re-read your chapters a final time before posting them (\'new\' instead of \'knew\', \'feudal\' instead of \'futile\'). We all make these mistakes from time-to-time and a final read-through can really help. At least it\'s helped me so many times that I\'m certain I\'m a fumble-fingered hack most of the time. I think it\'s great to read fanfiction written by a man -- as unusual as it is to find -- but I\'d like to make a small comment about the cohesiveness of your tone. You seem to have a tendency to vacillate between romanticism and crudity (for example, \'his tongue doing slow exploratory circles in the recesses of Hermione\'s mouth\' this is quite a romantic form of expression -- and perfectly aligned to your target audience; however, shortly after this description you have quite a dissimilar one, then letting the tit meat slide out between his lips -- the phrasing is graphically different from the first expression and is a bit jarring to the erotic \'tone\' you\'re attempting to create. I think it may simply be that men and women have different modes of expression, but I found myself startled on more than one occasion by some of terms you use, and it has nothing to do with prudery, simply the jarring juxtaposition of erotica with smut (which are two entirely different things).
I look forward to seeng what you do with this story... the potential long-term consequences are very intriguing to contemplate, and I quite like your conscientious and, yet, possessive and determined Harry.
schedule
June 24, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Great story! We definatly need more.
schedule
June 24, 2005 at 12:00 AM
I love Harry in this. He is like a puppy who is just begging for love and affection. I hope you write more about this couple.
schedule
June 23, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Great story, interesting idea. Hope you continue it. Looking forward to future chapters.
schedule
June 23, 2005 at 12:00 AM
MORE!!! What will Ron\'s reaction be? Will Harry live after the final battle and get married to Hermione?