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December 24, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Dont bother emailing me its fake. I'm in love with the story you have and can't wait to read more. I have a request though. I was wondering if you could do more where Hermione is being sandwiched instead of Harry or Draco. The tatoos is okay but I like it when both boys are in. Thank you so much and keep writing.
schedule
December 23, 2005 at 12:00 AM
nice
schedule
December 23, 2005 at 12:00 AM
I admit I was reluctant to read such a huge fic- albeit a very popular one. I'm not yet halfway through, I'll leave you another review when I finish the other half, but so far, it's very good work. I have to commend you on your creativity. What A Witch Needs is a very enjoyable and amusing piece of work.
Constructively, I have a few comments to make. You have a habit of being too blunt with the plot lines and having new twists and turns occur too suddenly without any development. Be subtle. Learn to insinuate things. Instead of saying "Pansy assumed Draco was going off to meet his lover and followed after" say "Draco left. Unknowingly, Pansy shadowed him, suspect of his destination" or something of that effect. You need to reread and edit WWN a little more. It's sprinkled with a few grammatical mistakes ("your" in the place of "you're" and such, minute details that drive readers insane). You move some plots lines too fast. Hermione's birthright popped up for a chapter, lay dormant for a while and then reappeared without any warning. Though I like the twists and turns, giving WWN a fast pace, I think you should tone all the twists and turns down, even if it means cutting some things out. It's cluttered that way, suffocating. Let things breathe and develop. That's another thing you need to concern yourself with, development.
But, when I wrote FanFic, I had all the same problems as you did. You get better with more and more practice (as is apparent in WWN), so practice lots.
I'll be reviewing the rest shortly, and please, do put me on that mile long alert list of yours.
Constructively, I have a few comments to make. You have a habit of being too blunt with the plot lines and having new twists and turns occur too suddenly without any development. Be subtle. Learn to insinuate things. Instead of saying "Pansy assumed Draco was going off to meet his lover and followed after" say "Draco left. Unknowingly, Pansy shadowed him, suspect of his destination" or something of that effect. You need to reread and edit WWN a little more. It's sprinkled with a few grammatical mistakes ("your" in the place of "you're" and such, minute details that drive readers insane). You move some plots lines too fast. Hermione's birthright popped up for a chapter, lay dormant for a while and then reappeared without any warning. Though I like the twists and turns, giving WWN a fast pace, I think you should tone all the twists and turns down, even if it means cutting some things out. It's cluttered that way, suffocating. Let things breathe and develop. That's another thing you need to concern yourself with, development.
But, when I wrote FanFic, I had all the same problems as you did. You get better with more and more practice (as is apparent in WWN), so practice lots.
I'll be reviewing the rest shortly, and please, do put me on that mile long alert list of yours.
schedule
December 23, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Another wonderful chapter, Petalsoft. I enjoyed the twist on the Draco/Ron confrontation. It was quite unexpected and very refreshing.
And I can't WAIT to see my Dark! Harry next chapter. I couldn't agree with Harry more. *Mmmm the possibilties.* I'm concerned about the whole
mess with Ron, though. *sniffs the air for the wretched stench of Betrayal* He felt abandoned before, and now he feels betrayed. He just may return the
favor. Dumbledore's got secrets, Snivellus has stolen the key. *sigh* I need a latte.
I leave it in your hands, dear Goddess.
I love the fact that you've kept Draco in-character, which is difficult for most writers to do. Some just choose not to.
When Draco told Hermione that she couldn't change who he was...damn,I was impressed that you wrote that! That needed to be said, though
I'm sure that would come as no surprise to Harry. (smiles)
But you have kept EVERY single character true to form. I mean, can't you just see Dudley running off to McDonalds like that?
And I can just see Narcissa. A tall, regal blonde, all prim and proper. And Tonks. Well just as humble, sweet ,and insecure as always.
I tend to think about Ch.43 when Draco was giving Pansy the 'treatment', and Harry ,as you said, calmly stood there and watched. Doesn't that
seem so...'Harry-like'. To many, that meant nothing at all, but it made me keenly aware that this story is extraordinary in every way, down to even
the minutest of details.
Sorceress14 had me going back a few weeks ago to re-read Chapters 7 & 8. And as she pointed out, the most fascinating part about it all, was Harry denying the the fact that he was just as mutually attracted to Draco. And when Harry noticed Draco watching him out of the corner of his eyes, and telling Hermione to straddle Harry's face (to block his view of course) ,damn! Well, we all know what happened after that don't we. That WAS what Draco wanted wasn't it! Sly devil!
I still can't get those chapters out of my mind. Chapter 9, that bathroom scene ...man! (One more H/Hr moment, Petals. Please!)
Chapters 21 & 22, puts certain screenwriters to shame. To me, those were the defining chapters. The tension builds moment by moment. It's as if I'm sitting in a theater, watching a motion picture when I read those chapters.I recall reading Ch. 17 in a hotel restaurant this past summer, cackling like a demented hag.
The following Chapter,18, did me no favors. I'm talking harum-scarum, here. Slapping my knees, clapping my hands, tears rolling down my cheeks,
wetting my lacey doilies! *hint hint* You talk about utter humiliation! I proudly rose from my table, head held high, tear-stained face,red swollen eyes,
wet panties and all, and made a cool and collected exit as those haughty patrons gave me dirty looks. Had to change those panties,you know!
*My mother hides her face in shame*
Since the story is nearing its end, those are some of my favorite moments, Petalsoft.
Keep going. No matter how many flames, coal, harsh criticism or whatever else you may endure, you just keep going. It's something that comes along with
the package of success and there's not a damned thing you can do about it.
You're simply brilliant
And I can't WAIT to see my Dark! Harry next chapter. I couldn't agree with Harry more. *Mmmm the possibilties.* I'm concerned about the whole
mess with Ron, though. *sniffs the air for the wretched stench of Betrayal* He felt abandoned before, and now he feels betrayed. He just may return the
favor. Dumbledore's got secrets, Snivellus has stolen the key. *sigh* I need a latte.
I leave it in your hands, dear Goddess.
I love the fact that you've kept Draco in-character, which is difficult for most writers to do. Some just choose not to.
When Draco told Hermione that she couldn't change who he was...damn,I was impressed that you wrote that! That needed to be said, though
I'm sure that would come as no surprise to Harry. (smiles)
But you have kept EVERY single character true to form. I mean, can't you just see Dudley running off to McDonalds like that?
And I can just see Narcissa. A tall, regal blonde, all prim and proper. And Tonks. Well just as humble, sweet ,and insecure as always.
I tend to think about Ch.43 when Draco was giving Pansy the 'treatment', and Harry ,as you said, calmly stood there and watched. Doesn't that
seem so...'Harry-like'. To many, that meant nothing at all, but it made me keenly aware that this story is extraordinary in every way, down to even
the minutest of details.
Sorceress14 had me going back a few weeks ago to re-read Chapters 7 & 8. And as she pointed out, the most fascinating part about it all, was Harry denying the the fact that he was just as mutually attracted to Draco. And when Harry noticed Draco watching him out of the corner of his eyes, and telling Hermione to straddle Harry's face (to block his view of course) ,damn! Well, we all know what happened after that don't we. That WAS what Draco wanted wasn't it! Sly devil!
I still can't get those chapters out of my mind. Chapter 9, that bathroom scene ...man! (One more H/Hr moment, Petals. Please!)
Chapters 21 & 22, puts certain screenwriters to shame. To me, those were the defining chapters. The tension builds moment by moment. It's as if I'm sitting in a theater, watching a motion picture when I read those chapters.I recall reading Ch. 17 in a hotel restaurant this past summer, cackling like a demented hag.
The following Chapter,18, did me no favors. I'm talking harum-scarum, here. Slapping my knees, clapping my hands, tears rolling down my cheeks,
wetting my lacey doilies! *hint hint* You talk about utter humiliation! I proudly rose from my table, head held high, tear-stained face,red swollen eyes,
wet panties and all, and made a cool and collected exit as those haughty patrons gave me dirty looks. Had to change those panties,you know!
*My mother hides her face in shame*
Since the story is nearing its end, those are some of my favorite moments, Petalsoft.
Keep going. No matter how many flames, coal, harsh criticism or whatever else you may endure, you just keep going. It's something that comes along with
the package of success and there's not a damned thing you can do about it.
You're simply brilliant
schedule
December 23, 2005 at 12:00 AM
ok so i just read the whole of the story so far and i must say that i am enthused about the rest of the tale and i believe you have a great gift for writing....in short the story was wonderful....write more soon..i cant wait to read it
schedule
December 23, 2005 at 12:00 AM
*giggle* I loved Dudley's escape. Tonks is so sweet. :) I hope that they can be friends. And I feel like a kindergartner saying that. I'm exhausted and currently experiencing brain disconnect, so forgive me for the incoherency of this review.
I can't WAIT for Harry to find Draco and Hermione. *drools* I love Dom!Harry.
I also thought that your Draco/Ron scene was spot on. I love Draco, but he's no angel. No matter how much he loves Harry and Hermione (or perhaps because of it) he's bound to be an ass to Ron when provoked in such a manner. I do hope that there are no horrible lasting consequences from this animosity. *cuddles Draco and Ron*
I'm excited for the next chapter. :P
I can't WAIT for Harry to find Draco and Hermione. *drools* I love Dom!Harry.
I also thought that your Draco/Ron scene was spot on. I love Draco, but he's no angel. No matter how much he loves Harry and Hermione (or perhaps because of it) he's bound to be an ass to Ron when provoked in such a manner. I do hope that there are no horrible lasting consequences from this animosity. *cuddles Draco and Ron*
I'm excited for the next chapter. :P
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December 23, 2005 at 12:00 AM
It was hard to get through the latter half (and I still haven't finished). It was grudging reading, and please, I don't mean that as a flame. WWN is somewhere between a PWP and plot-- you run over the plot like you don't really want it to be there and spend a great deal on the plot, completely overshadowing it. Choose something. If you're going to have plot, the plot should only be there to develop the characters more.
Your sentence structure needs work. I understand avoiding adverbs, but you need them here. Your nouns are tiresome.
Your characterizations of each character are bland and lack depth. Think about what the characters would really say and really do instead of just scribbling down whatever "sounds cool".
You also have a tendancy to restate the obvious plenty and repeat yourself. Don't confuse quantity and quality.
I think I will end my reviewing here. Take me off your list, thank you.
Your sentence structure needs work. I understand avoiding adverbs, but you need them here. Your nouns are tiresome.
Your characterizations of each character are bland and lack depth. Think about what the characters would really say and really do instead of just scribbling down whatever "sounds cool".
You also have a tendancy to restate the obvious plenty and repeat yourself. Don't confuse quantity and quality.
I think I will end my reviewing here. Take me off your list, thank you.
schedule
December 23, 2005 at 12:00 AM
im loving it more and more each chapter keep up the good work.
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December 23, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Oh Holy Hell this is awesome! It has taken me hours to read it, but it was oh so very worth it. Your plot is wonderful and the sex is divine. You really are very good.
Thank you,
;) Sandy
Thank you,
;) Sandy
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December 23, 2005 at 12:00 AM
OMG i freakin love this story!!! i just read the whole thing, and it took me FOREVER!!! but i am in love, and i really really need u to update sooon! o ya and i'm just curious, wheres Remus? i mean, isn't he like the last somewhat of a father figure to Harry? wouldnt he like to know whats been going on? alright, please update soon! luv, Liz