rate_review Reviews

I really like this story alot. Can you please write some more chapters?

Ooooh, ouch. I'm sorry, pet peeve of mine but please please please dear God, do not use americanisms when refering to England and English speaking characters. mummy, not mommy, mum not mom, and so on and so forth. Also, poor formating. Poor story full stop.

i cant wait in till you finsh the chapter and update so please update soon .

It\'s an alright story so far. Definitely room for improvement, though. I am curious, though, to find out what Snape wants with Hermione.

Please not only use a beta but make the chapters longer. I agree this plot has potential but it also needs a lot of work done to it before it\'s ready for posting.

Good Luck in your future writings and I hope to see this removed and improved before it\'s back here agian.

HAHAHAHAHA!!! You can\'t even spell the main characters name right!

ok and i thought my story was bad... ok there is no fealing or like anything. I mean a 20 dollar bill, this is england everyone who writes fanfiction knows that england uses pounds, its like an insult to americanis them so badly. please clean this trash up and a good chapter is like 7 pages double spaced, not half of one page double spaced.

hey, i know how exciting it is to post, and the impatience that tends to win out sometimes, but you have to control it. 1 paragraph is not a chapter, and it tends to turn people off from even reading the story. a decent length is at least 5 pages, 3 isn\'t bad, but it should be longer. you need to take both chapters down, incorporate them into one chapter, and add more to it before posting. If you can\'t keep it on your hardrive, put it on webspace for a free homepage, and work on it that way. This will be a good learning excercise for you, so do NOT think i\'m flaming. I\'m not. I\'m just a semi-retired fanfic author with no time to finish my own stories right now.
it takes a lot of effort, and a lot of will power to reach 5 pages. It\'s not easy, i know. But exploring the scene and describing it so that we, the reader, can actually SEE it in our minds will improve your writing. You also have to keep the dialougue (Spelling, i know, but review forms don\'t have spell check) balanced with the description. Don\'t spin the description out too much, describing EVERY thing a charactor is wearing. that get\'s annoying, too.
EXAMPLE - what sounds better? Hermione pulled on a simple black jumper, them skimmied into her favorite pair of jeans before padding bearfoot down the hallway. OR Hermione walked into the hallway bearfoot. She wore a tight, black jumper with sparkles over a white dress shirt. Completeing the outfit was her favorite pair of hip-hugger jeans that had a pheonix airbrushed onto the leg. BOTH SOUND GOOD TO THE NON-PICKY READER, but the second is WAY TOO WORDY, and breaks the rhythm of the fic up. It\'s really not needed in the big scheme of things. To be blunt - who cares that she has a pheonix painted on her pants? It\'s not relevant to the story. anywho - I hope your next try is better. ~ Caliko

You have the potential for a really good story here, but it needs a lot of work before it will be ready to post. You should be aware, SSHG is one of the more well-written pairings; though there is some garbage out there, most of the people who write this pairing are in their very late teens and older. Generally, even if people don\'t agree with a particular story line, Hermione/Snape fans are used to authors who spend a very great deal of time working on their stories. A *very* great deal. As such, they are not nearly as forgiving as, say, Hermione/Draco fans (which, in my experience, is probably the worst-written pairing in Harry Potter fanfiction). If you were to substitute Malfoy for Snape, I\'ve little doubt this would be well received by many of those fans. I have no idea how old you are, and honestly, I don\'t much care. Whatever your age, your writing style seems as though you\'re rather young. If English is not your first language, get a beta. If English *is* your first language, get a beta. Frankly, I\'ve known eight year olds with a better grasp of syntax and dialogue than is displayed in this story.

Like I said, this has the potential to be a really good story. Rework and replace what you have already posted, and take your time. Many fans of this pairing will willingly wait months for an update if the story is good. It doesn\'t seem like you\'re making a genuine effort to write a good story here. And perhaps you did put a lot of work into it, I don\'t know. But if so, you need to try harder to let the evidence of that effort come through.

If you\'re not sure about where to find a beta, FictionAlley.org is a great place to look. And there are pairing-specific sites that would be glad to help you find a beta as well.

Please understand that I\'m not trying to flame you. I\'m sure you\'re capable of much better than this. I\'m just trying to point you in the right direction (and no, I don\'t write fanfiction, but I\'ve followed this pairing for awhile, and I do beta for a writer within this pairing. I have a pretty good idea of what other HGSS reader are looking for in a story).

your chapters are TOO SHORT!!!
though the story line is still good.
please update soon.