schedule
August 23, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Read the chaps posted at veelainc... sp HAPPY to find the rest of the story!
schedule
July 2, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Okay, I shall put this simply. You have the poten for for a nice plot, but I would not know how nice it could possibly be because I cannot read this piece of junk anymore. Your dialogue is completely unrealistic and obviously mediocre; you write things that could easily be implied and are by any author who can write. The development of the story is pathetic; since when have the main characters ever called Sirius \"Siri\"? Try to stick to the names used in the books, it reads better.
\"You really do want me happy, and what\'s best for me, don\'t you?\" Harry asked
rhetorically, but received a nod in reply anyway. \"Your not going to hurt me, I understand that now, but I can\'t just put aside
everything you have done e ane and my friends our first four years here. I like how you act towards me now. Just give me some
time to adjust. I really could learn to love you, if you are like this towards me all the time.\"
This does not sound as though it belongs. It is too early into the story and Malfoy has done nothing to prove his devotion; he has only given his word. It would be better if you developed this through action, not simply saying it and making it fact early on in the story. Good stories show things not only through dialogue but experiencf thf their characters.
He hadn\'t gotten much sleep for
the night. His thoughts went back to the previous day. He couldn\'t believe what he\'d heard about how Harry was raised. It
angered him greatly. Those muggles would pay for their betrayal of Harry. They were trusted by the whole of the wizarding
world to care for the beautiful..\'Beautiful? Where did that come from? Oh well, he is very easy on the eyes.\' young man that
Harry was and they betrayed that trust
This passage sounds too choppy, you\'ve strung too many simple sentences together which honestly aren\'t necessary; this could have been developed later in the story or through his reactions to Harry\'s confessions. You don\'t hto sto say \"It angered him greatly.\" Instead,le Hle Harry is revealing his past to Malfoy (and so early in the story didn\'t really seem appropriate; they need to get to know each other more before Harry would be confessing these things), *show* Malfoy\'s anger. Perhaps he grips the edge of the chair tightly and tenses in anger; perhaps his face flushes red and he becomes rigid. Malfoy is more reserved. He may be passionate about how he feels, but it seems unusual for him to be so expressive with his emotions with Harry, at least, until the plot has developed more.
These are just a few things I\'ve picked out. Re-read and Raluaaluate your writing style.
\"You really do want me happy, and what\'s best for me, don\'t you?\" Harry asked
rhetorically, but received a nod in reply anyway. \"Your not going to hurt me, I understand that now, but I can\'t just put aside
everything you have done e ane and my friends our first four years here. I like how you act towards me now. Just give me some
time to adjust. I really could learn to love you, if you are like this towards me all the time.\"
This does not sound as though it belongs. It is too early into the story and Malfoy has done nothing to prove his devotion; he has only given his word. It would be better if you developed this through action, not simply saying it and making it fact early on in the story. Good stories show things not only through dialogue but experiencf thf their characters.
He hadn\'t gotten much sleep for
the night. His thoughts went back to the previous day. He couldn\'t believe what he\'d heard about how Harry was raised. It
angered him greatly. Those muggles would pay for their betrayal of Harry. They were trusted by the whole of the wizarding
world to care for the beautiful..\'Beautiful? Where did that come from? Oh well, he is very easy on the eyes.\' young man that
Harry was and they betrayed that trust
This passage sounds too choppy, you\'ve strung too many simple sentences together which honestly aren\'t necessary; this could have been developed later in the story or through his reactions to Harry\'s confessions. You don\'t hto sto say \"It angered him greatly.\" Instead,le Hle Harry is revealing his past to Malfoy (and so early in the story didn\'t really seem appropriate; they need to get to know each other more before Harry would be confessing these things), *show* Malfoy\'s anger. Perhaps he grips the edge of the chair tightly and tenses in anger; perhaps his face flushes red and he becomes rigid. Malfoy is more reserved. He may be passionate about how he feels, but it seems unusual for him to be so expressive with his emotions with Harry, at least, until the plot has developed more.
These are just a few things I\'ve picked out. Re-read and Raluaaluate your writing style.
schedule
October 17, 2003 at 12:00 AM
Wow... I\'m almost speechless... I LOVE THIS STORY!!!
I read it las night till chapter 13 and it was 2:30AM when I decided that it was better to sleep *g*
Now I\'ve finished it and it is really great and beautifull!
Now I\'m going to read the sequel but first I had to leave a review :)
I read it las night till chapter 13 and it was 2:30AM when I decided that it was better to sleep *g*
Now I\'ve finished it and it is really great and beautifull!
Now I\'m going to read the sequel but first I had to leave a review :)
schedule
July 21, 2003 at 12:00 AM
WOW It\'s an incredeble story. Keep Writing and I hope you can write the sequel soon.
Shadow
Shadow
schedule
July 1, 2003 at 12:00 AM
Just wanted to let you know I loved this story. Can\'t wait til you get around to the sequel.
schedule
June 26, 2003 at 12:00 AM
Happy belated birthday :-)
I\'m sure you have heard this but I LOVED chapters 3 and 9 and 18
You have a wonderful writing style for plot development, character development and dialogue. Everything was so believable and touching! I can\'t wait until you do the sequel.
Have a great summer
I\'m sure you have heard this but I LOVED chapters 3 and 9 and 18
You have a wonderful writing style for plot development, character development and dialogue. Everything was so believable and touching! I can\'t wait until you do the sequel.
Have a great summer
schedule
June 19, 2003 at 12:00 AM
Whoo hoo! The NC-17 version was even better then the non-NC-17 version! Wow, I\'m practically crying at this beautiful story! And just wow!
schedule
June 14, 2003 at 12:00 AM
Write more or a sequel. I WANT MORE! :( :o |||||||||||||||||||| how dare you not write more?! I command you, I am of royal family! (NOT!) more!
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June 11, 2003 at 12:00 AM
This story was terrific! I so look forward to the sequel when you start to write it. And I hope that your birthday was a happy one, too!
schedule
June 10, 2003 at 12:00 AM
Happy B-day great story but mean to make me wait on the sequil (can spell) any who congrats on writing a great story the only thing I would recommend is they have a wedding .....