schedule
July 1, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Well, let me start off by saying a few \'good\' things.
- You\'re writing and grammer in general are decent. No problems there.
- The premise is good.
Now I\'m going to be a little negative, or very critical.
- You\'re character development is horrendous. They actually have no development, which is confusing. One minute they hate each other, the next Snape is a compassionate man who needs a wife like Hermione to complete him. Same old same old.
- The Dialogue is awful. Everything they say has no substance, and in no way helps the development of the story.
- Like the other characters, there are three that you messed up severely on: Snape, Draco, Hermione. You made Snape very undecided in the beginning of the plot, but then you quickly, and I mean quickly turned him into someone who actually cared for Hermione. Not to mention you had him hanging out with the Weasley\'s, which isn\'t in his character. In fact, you had them following him into the dungeons and into his private rooms. I don\'t know what gave you that idea. Draco has no development whatsoever. You use connections that really have no relevancy. The Slytherins would in no way recieve those punishments. It seems that you took the opprotunity in your under-character developed story to feed out your own desires. I guess you must have wanted that to happen in the REAL books, but of course, for the sake of real writing, the Author was smart and didn\'t turn her book into a trashy Romance novel. Last but not least, Hermione. You play on her \'bossy know it all\' traits a little too much. You really give her no substance. From what you make her out to be, it would seem that she was suddenly thrown into a box and forced to be the \'Potions Mistress\' she always wanted to be. For god\'s sake, she\'s not going to enjoy her marriage to Snape that much. And then you conviently throw in the \"Oh no, let\'s do it now, for the hell of it\", crap, so that you can just have your smutty interludes. It\'s really awful stuff.
I think you need to go back to the drawing boards on this one. That\'s assuming you even thought about it in the first place. I was laughing at your story into the 3rd chapter. irstirst I wrote off your non-character development and shaky plotline as something you were going to make up for later, but as it moved on I couldn\'t even stand reading it anymore. I quit at the end of chapter 7. I don\'t know if miraculousy you came up with an ACTUAL PLOT, but it didn\'t seem to possible. Please don\'t try to write something like this again. Either be a little more creative, or use the same cliche plots over and over again, like this one. I guess it\'s your choice wether or not you want to pain those individuals who actually have an idea about reading these fanfiction stories. I suppose you could write off this little critique as negative, but seriously, you need to learn how to write.
- You\'re writing and grammer in general are decent. No problems there.
- The premise is good.
Now I\'m going to be a little negative, or very critical.
- You\'re character development is horrendous. They actually have no development, which is confusing. One minute they hate each other, the next Snape is a compassionate man who needs a wife like Hermione to complete him. Same old same old.
- The Dialogue is awful. Everything they say has no substance, and in no way helps the development of the story.
- Like the other characters, there are three that you messed up severely on: Snape, Draco, Hermione. You made Snape very undecided in the beginning of the plot, but then you quickly, and I mean quickly turned him into someone who actually cared for Hermione. Not to mention you had him hanging out with the Weasley\'s, which isn\'t in his character. In fact, you had them following him into the dungeons and into his private rooms. I don\'t know what gave you that idea. Draco has no development whatsoever. You use connections that really have no relevancy. The Slytherins would in no way recieve those punishments. It seems that you took the opprotunity in your under-character developed story to feed out your own desires. I guess you must have wanted that to happen in the REAL books, but of course, for the sake of real writing, the Author was smart and didn\'t turn her book into a trashy Romance novel. Last but not least, Hermione. You play on her \'bossy know it all\' traits a little too much. You really give her no substance. From what you make her out to be, it would seem that she was suddenly thrown into a box and forced to be the \'Potions Mistress\' she always wanted to be. For god\'s sake, she\'s not going to enjoy her marriage to Snape that much. And then you conviently throw in the \"Oh no, let\'s do it now, for the hell of it\", crap, so that you can just have your smutty interludes. It\'s really awful stuff.
I think you need to go back to the drawing boards on this one. That\'s assuming you even thought about it in the first place. I was laughing at your story into the 3rd chapter. irstirst I wrote off your non-character development and shaky plotline as something you were going to make up for later, but as it moved on I couldn\'t even stand reading it anymore. I quit at the end of chapter 7. I don\'t know if miraculousy you came up with an ACTUAL PLOT, but it didn\'t seem to possible. Please don\'t try to write something like this again. Either be a little more creative, or use the same cliche plots over and over again, like this one. I guess it\'s your choice wether or not you want to pain those individuals who actually have an idea about reading these fanfiction stories. I suppose you could write off this little critique as negative, but seriously, you need to learn how to write.
schedule
July 1, 2004 at 12:00 AM
I really like this story! I hope you hurry up and get the next chapter out and I also think that Snape turning into a cat was funny. (just had to imagine Crookshanks in Snape form) I can\'t wait for the rest of this story and I hope it\'s a long story too!
schedule
June 30, 2004 at 12:00 AM
You may need to look into getting a BETA to fix some of the gramical and spelling errors.
schedule
June 30, 2004 at 12:00 AM
I\'ve been bad. I haven\'t reviewed yet, but I\'ve been thoroughly enjoying your story. I look forward to each new chapter to see what you\'ll parody next. I can\'t remember the last time I\'ve laughed this much at a fan fiction. Thanks for writing it. :)
schedule
June 30, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Loved the laying of the egg. LOL And now Ginny and Lupin. Do keep going. :)
schedule
June 29, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Hey. I am enjoying your story. I like the humor in it and the different twist of the mariage law. Like your part at the end from Matilda (i think thats the name of the move) Did you notice that Aunt marge in 3rd moie was the same actress in Matilda?
schedule
June 28, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Hey, no fair leaving on a cliffhanger!!! How can Lucius Malfoy challenge when she is three months pregnant with three magical babies? If Draco\'s wife isn\'t pregnant, then she should be given to someone else by now -- unless they already killed Draco\'s wife?
schedule
June 28, 2004 at 12:00 AM
How on earth will Lucius do anything as Severus and hermione have consumated their marriage. Hermione is with triplets...over three months pregnant. Lucius can\'t do anything. can he?
schedule
June 28, 2004 at 12:00 AM
This is not a flame - mera sua suggestion. If you don\'t have a beta, please, consider getting one. I saw quite a few errors that are not terrible, but bad enough to put me off your story. ie - using their instead of they\'re. Where Dumbledore is telling Remus \'their serious\' should be \'they\'re serious.\' Good luck.