schedule
June 18, 2004 at 12:00 AM
This is an interesting story, with a creative premise. I have a couple of constructive comments. I\'ve read up to chapter 7, just so yoow wow where I\'m coming from.
1- You\'ve created some real sexual tension. However, the plot is not entirely believeable, particularly in regards to Lupin\'s and Dumbledore\'s condoning the liaison. Also the way Snape just flat out caved from the very beginning. He is a smart man, knows what he has to lose, and I think he could be a bit more creative in thwarting her. That might just be me. Hermione, with her cat/werewolf DNA, actually is intirely believable, but just isn\'t the girl we\'ve grown used to. It\'s more of a whole different character. There is just something missing.
2- The really interesting, *different* thing that you\'ve created is the Hermione cat/werewolf. You\'vvotevoted a lot of words to the sexual part, but theas bas been a lot of HG/SS pairings in other literature. Her vengeance is a great opportunity to do something suspenseful, scary, and exciting. I really hope to see you do a lot more with that.
3- Your prose is very weak, and so is your writing style. This will come in time, but only if you keep writing and get yourself a good beta/editor to help you with it. You need someone who can critique your writing in a more thorough way than what you can get here.
4- Your grammar and punctuation really need attention. In some places it was so bad that I had to re-read the passage to understand what you were saying. This goes beyond the misuse of \'their\' and \'there\' and things like that. Get a beta!
5- Personal comments in parentheses are unprofessional and spoil the reading. Leave them out. Actually the personal comments at the end of each chapter are a bit annoying, too.
Hope this helps.
1- You\'ve created some real sexual tension. However, the plot is not entirely believeable, particularly in regards to Lupin\'s and Dumbledore\'s condoning the liaison. Also the way Snape just flat out caved from the very beginning. He is a smart man, knows what he has to lose, and I think he could be a bit more creative in thwarting her. That might just be me. Hermione, with her cat/werewolf DNA, actually is intirely believable, but just isn\'t the girl we\'ve grown used to. It\'s more of a whole different character. There is just something missing.
2- The really interesting, *different* thing that you\'ve created is the Hermione cat/werewolf. You\'vvotevoted a lot of words to the sexual part, but theas bas been a lot of HG/SS pairings in other literature. Her vengeance is a great opportunity to do something suspenseful, scary, and exciting. I really hope to see you do a lot more with that.
3- Your prose is very weak, and so is your writing style. This will come in time, but only if you keep writing and get yourself a good beta/editor to help you with it. You need someone who can critique your writing in a more thorough way than what you can get here.
4- Your grammar and punctuation really need attention. In some places it was so bad that I had to re-read the passage to understand what you were saying. This goes beyond the misuse of \'their\' and \'there\' and things like that. Get a beta!
5- Personal comments in parentheses are unprofessional and spoil the reading. Leave them out. Actually the personal comments at the end of each chapter are a bit annoying, too.
Hope this helps.
schedule
June 18, 2004 at 12:00 AM
HELL YA!!!... I\'m from Alberta...oh man...I wish I wasn\'t but oh well....the crappiest place in Canada is still better than the best place in the UI\'mI\'m not American bashing, just stating a simple fact.
Anyways....GREAT chapter. Your chapters have such good flow. I would love to see Hermione get caught kissing another guy by none other than Snape. That would be delicious. He would be so mad. Can\'t wait for the next chapter ^.^
Anyways....GREAT chapter. Your chapters have such good flow. I would love to see Hermione get caught kissing another guy by none other than Snape. That would be delicious. He would be so mad. Can\'t wait for the next chapter ^.^
schedule
June 18, 2004 at 12:00 AM
If someone has a problem with the personal comments at the end of a chapter, they should keep their comments to themselves. Don
schedule
June 18, 2004 at 12:00 AM
This is a really interesting original idea and I like what you did so far although the timeline seems a little slow so far (is it two weeks altogether?)
I was wondering about the whole pregnancy motiff. would it be even possible to carry the child while her body changes drastically every month? also, if she takes the silver doses while she is pregnant that could mean that her child will be deformed and dim-witted to boot. maybe that could add a tragic cast to the story but I\'m not sure if that is where you want your story to go. even if a little poison doesn\'t kill you it can still have profound effects on you(like permanent infertility for example)
I was wondering about the whole pregnancy motiff. would it be even possible to carry the child while her body changes drastically every month? also, if she takes the silver doses while she is pregnant that could mean that her child will be deformed and dim-witted to boot. maybe that could add a tragic cast to the story but I\'m not sure if that is where you want your story to go. even if a little poison doesn\'t kill you it can still have profound effects on you(like permanent infertility for example)
schedule
June 18, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Sorry, I was going to send you the Snape Plushie, but I don\'t think you will want it now I\'ve drooled all over it. I only came across this story tonight, and the biggest complaint I have is that IT IS STILL TOO SHORT -UPDATE, UPDATE, and UPDATE again.
schedule
June 18, 2004 at 12:00 AM
WOW!!! I have just discovered this Fabulous story!!! It\'s taken me the better part of two hours to go through all the chapters!!! I love it!! I love the storyline and I love the way you\'ve written my favorite couple!!! I really hope there\'s more coming soon!!! Wonderful job!
schedule
June 18, 2004 at 12:00 AM
excellent as usual...I don\'t even know what else to say, other than...bravo ^.^
schedule
June 18, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Longer chapters, please! :)
schedule
June 18, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Nice chapter-thanks for posting it so quick. ing ing her out of the wards first works since that chapter was a bit vague, but if you ever re-write this or edit it in full it might be something to clarify in chapter. Excellent Harry, I can see him doing just that after his anger with Dumbledore. Got to admit, I\'m still a bit upset with the old guy. Nice to see Remus is thinking for himself, if only Snape would do the same. Bit curious about what\'s up with Ron though. Aren\'t we near the full moon now? It runs the 3 nights (before, actual moon, and after), so if I remember correctly, tonight should be the first of the three? Or am I off by one? As for titles, not sure on that. Numbers work, or you could name it by progression of the SS/HG relationship, or even by action. All depends on your preference. I always like when it runs along the main plot, that way if you are re-reading or noting something it is easier to find. Looking forward to 19!
schedule
June 18, 2004 at 12:00 AM
I never thought I would do this, but...
I am.
I just want to say that if I thought the story was bad, I would not have bothered to write a review in the first place. Tawny has a great creative imagination, and is writing a well-plotted story. However, there are some obvious things she needs help with, and that is why I took the time to review--to HELP her make her writing better. Why should reviews just applaud the good stuff and leave out any constructive criticism? Why should she just be content with a good story, when she could make it a great one?
As far as using the MS Word and the thesaurus, I don\'t. This is the way I write naturally. I have a high IQ, a large vocabulary and spend 2-3 hours a day writing. I\'ve had my writing professionally critiqued, and I know of what I speak.
I\'ve read all 19 chapters, and am looking forward to more.
I am.
I just want to say that if I thought the story was bad, I would not have bothered to write a review in the first place. Tawny has a great creative imagination, and is writing a well-plotted story. However, there are some obvious things she needs help with, and that is why I took the time to review--to HELP her make her writing better. Why should reviews just applaud the good stuff and leave out any constructive criticism? Why should she just be content with a good story, when she could make it a great one?
As far as using the MS Word and the thesaurus, I don\'t. This is the way I write naturally. I have a high IQ, a large vocabulary and spend 2-3 hours a day writing. I\'ve had my writing professionally critiqued, and I know of what I speak.
I\'ve read all 19 chapters, and am looking forward to more.