rate_review Reviews

this is awesome. please keep writing.

I like this story so far, I hope you update soon.

I think that you did a good job with this first chapter. I also think it's a shame that you never continued this story.

If ur that fucking poor, then why can u pay the net??

Hey, here\'s some helpful criticism. This looks very first-draft-y. Using spell check will make it a little easier to understand. Try reading it aloud to yourself as well, before posting it. It can help you to smooth out any choppy sounding sentences and catch any spelling errors your computer might have missed. Be careful of your _homophones_ as well. Capitalize names(i.e. Fred), the beginning of sentences, and abbreviations(CD). Also watch your commas, make sure they\'re in the right place. I hope my review will help you improve your future writing.

Nice prologue.
I espcially like where Bill put Ron in a tree. *snicker*
Pleeeeaasssse update soon. I\'d like to read more of your story. Actually, I\'d like to see Harry and Snape have a heated argument and then Snog but since that\'s part of the story......yeah.

I like it so far it would be better if I knew......(crikits chirp in the silence)........(Loki looks from side to side)........(looks at computer top to bottom under the computer and behind the computer)..............(O.OLoki looks up)....wheres the rest of it chi. Wheres the tenticle smut. Come on sing it with me " I Want some teeennty suy suum tteeenty smutttty giiive me some yooaai soome yoai smut wiith teennttyy make it nice and juicey I waant som (Loki's song and manic dacing get short cut short rather sudenly. By her split personality Embrium hiting her in the fore head with a rolled up news paper) Embrium : HENTAI! Loki: Owie!! OOOOooh Em I didn't know you liked it rough:). Em: -_- You do remember you straight right? Loki: (Big grin):) Yah I know I am straight but I think our case would be more like weird masterbation....you know same person different personality. Em: O_o OOOOoook! ; #1 thats just to much info and insight into the way your twisted mind works, and #2 why are you in such a hyper hentai mood!!!! Loki: HA! HA! HA! 1st of all its kinda your mind to (Em: Don't get any more complicated than you already are.)Oookay and 2nd of all..............Em:YES!.... Loki:?yes what?.....Em:2nd all *>..<*WEELL!.......Loki: Because I felt like it! ;} (Em lets out a deep breath ~.~.) Em: Huff! Your hopeless aren't you? Loki: YUP! :) Em:.........Loki: Well now that thats setteled! Like I was saying saying It's good so far Chi, But it needs more chapters and juicey tenty yoainess so PLZ UPDATE SOON AND THANK YOU FOR STORY BYE!!!! Oh Ems is sulking but she says to so type to ya later. LOL!

well first thing's first. Do not just fly into the plot like that. Also loved the part when Bill is yelling at ron (^.^) give it time, ya kno the meeting wit Snape, like make it when skool starts in his office while the Sorting ceromony is goin on. C'mon man, now here I am, goin around Adultfanfiction.net just GIVING away my own ideas that i could put into my own fanfic rite here on the site. The name is by the way is "New Developements". Check it out by the way.
~1~

I would be happy to read more of this story idea of yours \'cos I love Harry/Snape-pairing.

That\'s sweet...Mrs. Weasly the understanding one...Ha...well, in GoF, she jumped to conclusions a little fast...
Still a very good story though...!