schedule
September 21, 2004 at 12:00 AM
This is a well written story and a very good concept however, the reason that I have decided to stop reading it after chapter 6 is that she is far too young for there to be anything physical happening between them yet. If I am correct she is what, 14 by chapter 6? and Sev making out with a 14 year old girl.......well, that just veers way too close to the pedophile line for me and the fact that no one seems to not only not have a problem with it, but is happy about it just makes my skin crawl.
Like I said, its a really good story and well written but just too disturbing to continue to read.
Like I said, its a really good story and well written but just too disturbing to continue to read.
schedule
July 14, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Would you PLEASE finish this fic. It is wonderful and I am about to die to see what happens next. I love the relationship between the two and when is Harry going to find otu she is his sister? PLEASE FINISH THIS!!!!!!
schedule
April 25, 2004 at 12:00 AM
I like this storyline. A marysue it may be, but I like it.
The only thought I have for you so far is encouragement to cease using such terms as, \"He thought.\" Rather than voicing his thoughts, or having him mumble his thoughts directly under his breath, show his thoughts in actions. If he is frustrated, try:
She left the room, her shoes tapping a frantic rhythm against the tile. Just as Snape turned to go to his dungeons, Harry Potter turned the corner. Snape hexed him, and removed fifty points from Griffendor\'s house for some minor insult, but this did not abate his frustration.
THERE! The reader can tell he is irritated, without using a literary cop-out by simply stating his thoughts. Be coy. Make your readers read between the lines. All good literature has side-points that aren\'t clearly stated in the words, but the reader can still get the point
The only thought I have for you so far is encouragement to cease using such terms as, \"He thought.\" Rather than voicing his thoughts, or having him mumble his thoughts directly under his breath, show his thoughts in actions. If he is frustrated, try:
She left the room, her shoes tapping a frantic rhythm against the tile. Just as Snape turned to go to his dungeons, Harry Potter turned the corner. Snape hexed him, and removed fifty points from Griffendor\'s house for some minor insult, but this did not abate his frustration.
THERE! The reader can tell he is irritated, without using a literary cop-out by simply stating his thoughts. Be coy. Make your readers read between the lines. All good literature has side-points that aren\'t clearly stated in the words, but the reader can still get the point
schedule
March 14, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Its pretty good so far, but its a little choppy. Do you have a Beta? If not, its a good idea to get one. When you go to upload another chapter, try writing it in the text form AFF provides. It will give you an idea on how to space out your paragraphs. The content is good, maybe you should develop angelina a bit more. Overall, its getting there!