schedule
January 20, 2004 at 12:00 AM
\'For hours they moved together and he was now gasping for breath.\' 0_0
My goodness...... it cracks me up when virgins write smut !! The only thing men do for hours is sleep !!!
Smut Meizer
S
schedule
January 20, 2004 at 12:00 AM
And more adultry (it is a typical plot device around here)...even if it is \"necessary\" I just don\'t think any good will come from this. Until next chapter. Thanks.
schedule
January 20, 2004 at 12:00 AM
This is really good. I\'ve read a lot of stories where Harry is a Snape, disguised to look like a Potter, but the idea of a Potter offspring being disguised to look like and be reared as a Snape is one I have not seen before, keep up the good work. Just one point about the last chapter. Wasn\'t Draco killed off in chapter 13ing ing the wizard\'s duel or was it simply a vanishing spell?
schedule
January 18, 2004 at 12:00 AM
better than some fanfictions, but i didn\'t get very far. i found snape to be very, very, very OOC, and would have preferred a warning in the summary. also, it would benefit from a better beta reading; example: \" \"YOUR MARRIED TO SNAPE.\" The entire hall looked at the Professor as Ron\'s voice come threw the Great Hall.\" YOUR should be you\'re, and the fact that it is in capital letters and remained unnoticed before you posted boggles my mind.
schedule
January 17, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 14..... I\'m glad that you have updated & hope you are feeling better soon!!! This chapter may have been short, but it was GOOD!!! Till chapter 15, Deb >^..^<
schedule
January 17, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Interesting concept! It\'s quite hard to come up withy story plots that are entirely new any more but I don\'t think I\'ve come across one like this before. But I think you should make the chapters longer! There isn\'t enough!
schedule
December 30, 2003 at 12:00 AM
It doesn\'t really seem possible, but I know where you\'re coming from. Everyone takes these characters and puts them into thier own fantasies, even if it doesn\'t make sense. I do it all the time. I think it\'s great that you were able to put them into this story for yourself. It\'s quite good.
schedule
December 28, 2003 at 12:00 AM
I like the story enough so far, but I\'m having a few problems with it.
The hardest part of reading through your story so far is that you have a medium-sized amount of grammatical and spelling errors that break up the flow of your story. If you need a beta, please feel free to email me... I\'d be happy to help you out.
The hardest part of reading through your story so far is that you have a medium-sized amount of grammatical and spelling errors that break up the flow of your story. If you need a beta, please feel free to email me... I\'d be happy to help you out.
schedule
December 28, 2003 at 12:00 AM
I hardly ever critisize people on their work, but I can\'t stand by and not say something to this.
I\'m going to try to be helpfull instead of flaming.
It would look much better and be much less trouble to read if you just combined all of the chapters into one chapter, they are all rather short and it will look more organized.
When writing smut, imagine what you are writing as if you were experiencit ant and write what you imagine it would feel like, in Detail! It will make it much more believeable and look less like a 10 year old trying to describe sex. If you have not experienced sex, read some of the novellength (or longer) R rated stories (as they are often written much better than the 500 word storries) to understand the intricasies that are often included in a relationship and sex. And don\'t only read ONE story because that will NOT make you any kind of expert, read at least 5-10, so you have some kind of overview on the storytelling method.
One can never say to many times...SPELLCHECK.
Try to go more into the emotions involved in the relationship, the thoughtprocesses and reason that the charakters think what they do. WHY does Hermione accept that Snape loves her so quickly? WHAT does he do to make her se that he loves her? WHAT does she/he find appealing in him/her? WHEN does Hermione fall in love with him? WHY did Snape fall in love with her(there must be some reason other than she looked good)? WHY does Snape not discuss this with Dumbledore? WHY don\'t they look for other ways to solve the problem? WHY does Hermione sign right away without even thinking about it?
Last but not least... Good luck.
I\'m going to try to be helpfull instead of flaming.
It would look much better and be much less trouble to read if you just combined all of the chapters into one chapter, they are all rather short and it will look more organized.
When writing smut, imagine what you are writing as if you were experiencit ant and write what you imagine it would feel like, in Detail! It will make it much more believeable and look less like a 10 year old trying to describe sex. If you have not experienced sex, read some of the novellength (or longer) R rated stories (as they are often written much better than the 500 word storries) to understand the intricasies that are often included in a relationship and sex. And don\'t only read ONE story because that will NOT make you any kind of expert, read at least 5-10, so you have some kind of overview on the storytelling method.
One can never say to many times...SPELLCHECK.
Try to go more into the emotions involved in the relationship, the thoughtprocesses and reason that the charakters think what they do. WHY does Hermione accept that Snape loves her so quickly? WHAT does he do to make her se that he loves her? WHAT does she/he find appealing in him/her? WHEN does Hermione fall in love with him? WHY did Snape fall in love with her(there must be some reason other than she looked good)? WHY does Snape not discuss this with Dumbledore? WHY don\'t they look for other ways to solve the problem? WHY does Hermione sign right away without even thinking about it?
Last but not least... Good luck.
schedule
December 28, 2003 at 12:00 AM
Well, aside from the poor grammar and sentence structure....and weak plot....let\'s just say if you don\'t have a BETA get one, and if you do, get a new one. One peice of constructive criticism: You rush your writing and it comes across as impetuous and sloppy. I think you have a good idea going but your writing needs some work.
\"I\'ll do what I can, Ron is acting like a ass.\" I thought that this was a one-time error you made in trying to post quickly, but you made the mistake more than once. In writing, the form a is used before a word beginning with a consonant sound, regardless of its spelling (a frog, a university). The form an is used before a word beginning with a vowel sound (an orange, an hour).
Better luck next time.
(Sorry for being such a bitch.)
\"I\'ll do what I can, Ron is acting like a ass.\" I thought that this was a one-time error you made in trying to post quickly, but you made the mistake more than once. In writing, the form a is used before a word beginning with a consonant sound, regardless of its spelling (a frog, a university). The form an is used before a word beginning with a vowel sound (an orange, an hour).
Better luck next time.
(Sorry for being such a bitch.)